Help With Fear and Insecurity About Sex and Polyamory

So I'm new to these forums and I'm here seeking some advice from those with more experience to help me assuage my fears and insecurities about the idea of opening up my relationship with my wife. My situation is as follows:

My wife, I'll call her Amy, and I have been together for 11 years. She and I have three beautiful children together. The course of our relationship has been atypical in that Amy and I had our first child at ages 21 and 20, respectively, and we did not "tie the knot" until 6 years later--so we've been married for 5, and have (by and large) been monogamous for our whole relationship.

Amy has largely been a stay-at-home mother, supporting me while I worked, finished college, and earned my graduate degree. I have a great career now, and she's hoping to get her own started, although that has been a pretty tough transition for her.

I love Amy fiercely, and she loves me the same way. I love waking up next to her, holding her, and making love to her. Most mornings it’s hard getting out of bed because she doesn’t ever want to stop cuddling. Truthfully, while I admit that I can get very excited, sexually, about other women, I really just have no motivation to go out and pursue another relationship. While Amy and I have our ups and downs, overall, I am really, really happy to be with her.

Recently, Amy has been talking about dating outside of our marriage. It seems like it's something she really wants to do, and by and large, I am O.K. with it in terms of nearly every area of our relationship, except for one: Sex. And this is where my fear and insecurity sets in.

See, I have always had a much higher sex drive than Amy. I would say that in my perfect world, I would be having really good, intense sex about every other day to every day. For Amy, she tells me her preference would be once a week, if that. We seem to compromise at about 2-3 sessions per week, although our sexual experiences are, by and large, pretty vanilla (it’s still passionate and I really enjoy her and feel fulfilled when we make love, but I will admit to wanting something more). She seems to be okay with the rate and the way we make love.

I consider myself a pretty generous lover, but at the same time, I have a lot of my self-esteem tied to my performance, sexually. Often times in the past, for me, I experienced our difference in libido as rejection, and have frequently felt like she didn’t desire me when we slowed down. Although I’m working to get over that, I have been guilty of withholding affection as a result of her apparent sexual disinterest—something which has perhaps created a stigma for us and our sexual togetherness.

Where this all ties in is, when Amy talks about dating outside our marriage, which includes sexual relationships, I get really scared that perhaps I do not satisfy her, and this notion makes me feel really, really low. I guess the story I am telling myself is, what if Amy has never been satisfied by me sexually (she just likes my other relationship qualities), and now she wants to go and meet someone who will turn her on in a way that I just can’t?

She and I have talked about this fear, and she assures me that this is not the case, that she gets more than enough satisfying sex with me, and that she really wants us to explore other relationships because she thinks it would be good for her self-esteem and because it will motivate us to be better, more attractive, and more attentive spouses to each-other. She says she will be more turned on for me if she is getting male attention elsewhere, and also will get more turned on if I am getting female attention elsewhere. We’ve both agreed that we’re together for the long-haul, and that no matter what, we’ll always be one-another’s “primary.” In fact, before Amy and I got together, Amy had far more sexual partners than I, and she has told me many times that she’s never connected sexually with anyone like she has with me.

Still, I can’t seem to shake the nagging, insecure feeling that, because she knows how sensitive I am to this subject, Amy may be withholding the truth from me in order to protect my ego. It would make sense—I would be pretty devastated if it really were the case that I didn’t meet her sexual needs and she wanted to go elsewhere for them. Frankly, I’m not sure how I would handle such a revelation.

There is one other twist I would like to add to this. A few times, Amy and I have experienced other women in our bed, in the threesome context, but never really in the context of an ongoing relationship. Each time, Amy got extremely jealous, but also extremely turned on. In fact, the aftermath of these scenarios were some of the very few times when Amy’s libido actually outstripped my own. I know exposing me to other women, sexually, was a really scary plunge for her, so I can’t help feeling a little bit hypocritical that I’m feeling so insecure about her being with other men.

From a rational standpoint, I really have no reason to doubt Amy. But when stepping out of your comfort zone, it’s hard to keep irrational feelings of fear from overwhelming you. So that’s the main reason why I am here. I am hoping someone has perhaps found themselves in a situation quite a lot like mine. I am hoping they can tell me that they had fears like mine, but that those turned out to be unfounded. I am hoping they can tell me that their sex life with their life partner was enriched by opening things up, and not that their partner found a preference for someone else.

If you’ve read this whole post, I really thank you, as I recognize that it is very long. Any input ya’ll would like to add is most welcome.

Everyone's different, but I will say that after Hubby and I opened our marriage, *our* sex life improved vastly. I'm the one with the higher sex drive in the marriage, and he could easily go a month or more without even thinking about sex, but after we opened the marriage, the excitement of realizing he--and I--were still attractive to others and not only to each other pushed him out of that tendency. We started having sex with each other much more frequently, and without me having to remind him that sex existed, and the sex we had became less predictable and boring.

So for at least some people, adding sex with other people into the mix of a STABLE relationship can improve the sex life of the core couple.

It sounds like you and Amy got together when you were both quite young, and so maybe you haven't had much sexual experience with anyone but each other? If that's the case, exploring sexually with other people, if done with care and respect for each other, might actually be good for *your* sex life together. Again, it certainly does not work that way for everyone, but it *can* work that way. I'm friends with two couples who got together in high school and were monogamous for years, until things started getting stale; both couples opened their marriages and saw an improvement in their sex lives because they were trying new things and wanted to still be attractive/attracted to each other above all else.

Welcome, NCG.

I am hoping someone has perhaps found themselves in a situation quite a lot like mine. I am hoping they can tell me that they had fears like mine, but that those turned out to be unfounded. I am hoping they can tell me that their sex life with their life partner was enriched by opening things up, and not that their partner found a preference for someone else.

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Opening up a relationship can definitely enrich your life, but it may take some work. Usually there are some speed bumps. Usually there is some jealousy to get over...

As long as both of you keep your NRE for others in check. I think you will, you seem close and respectful of each other.

There's a yellow flag there around your ego tied to your ability to sexually satisfy her, and your suspicion she is lying to protect your fear around that.
Why so insecure? Can't you tell when she cums? It sounds like she gets plenty of sexual attention.

It would be nice if you found another lover to take the pressure off of her... at least my gf likes that, since my libido is higher than hers. But she also gets turned on to know I've had a good session elsewhere, and so sometimes I get extra sex from her too!

Another thing to be prepared for is that generally, it is easier for women to get dates than it is for men. If she joins a dating site like OK Cupid she will probably be flooded with messages. That happens to most women. However, many jerks will message her, so she will have to weed through them.

One other thing to look out for: the promise to always be primaries. I know when we marry we promise til death do us part, but really? You never know what will happen. Of course, you've been together more than a decade, have house, kids and all that. But either of you could fall deeply in love-- that's the amory side of being poly. Sometimes people end up with 2 primaries.

Thanks for the input so far. By the way, what is "NRE?"

I can certainly tell when Amy comes, although she is exclusively clitoral in this regard. Amy usually gets there once, maybe twice this way. She insists that the g-spot does not work for her, but I'm afraid my insistence and pressure with trying that method in the past may have created a psychological block to further experimentation. So while I guess I can accept that she is satisfied, I'm very afraid that someone else might "unlock" a more intense kind of sex for her in a way that I just can't. Then again, maybe she's just not physiologically built that way, as she insists. I'm not sure.

Additionally, I have a healthy dose of guilt over placing too much stock in sex. Although I have a lot of confidence in all our other areas of our relationship, Amy, perhaps ironically, insists that it is largely is non-sexual needs that she wants to satisfy by dating around.

Has it ever happened to anyone that a new lover came in and really revolutionized sex in such a way that you just lost interest in your previous lover? I guess this, most specifically, is what I am truly scared of.

NRE is new relationship energy, or infatuation. It can make people be so lost in la la land they can neglect their other significant other. We all tend to put a new person on a pedestal, we can't help but idealize them. Some people do neglect their others, and that is bad... there are a couple new people here that are newlyweds, even, and their new spouses are neglecting them already.

But it doesn't work that way for me!

Sex with others might give me new fun ideas to use with another lover. It might scratch an itch the other doesn't. But for me, the more sex I get, the more I want, so it all just flows. Everyone brings something unique to the table.

And there ARE plenty of non sexual things that polyamorists get from the SOs. My gf's libido is nowhere near as strong as mine, but I am crazy about her, she is invaluable in my life. She is so tender and good to me, so funny, so smart, sassy, cute, always surprising me with new facets of her personality and new interests... Not that the sex is terrible, it's quite good, just not as much of it as I need.

Too bad you forced attention on your wife's gspot when she didn't require it. We all have our preferences. I don't think you have learned that lesson yet! It might activate later, women's bodies go through a lot of changes. My sex drive increased greatly in my 40s and is still going strong.

Is it hearing that she wants nonsexual needs met? Because if finds someone that meets those AND satisfies her sexually, where you think you satisfy her sexually only.... You think think they are a "better deal" as a partner? So you just HAVE to be top dog sexually than anyone because you are afraid you cannot meet other needs?

Is it something else?

I'm very afraid that someone else might "unlock" a more intense kind of sex for her in a way that I just can't.

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I do not know if this exercise would help you any. You could do it on your own... Not necessarily here.

Could tack on "this would be bad because then I have to start or stop doing/thinking..." At the end of each round until you can go no further.

So the first layer in would go...

I'm very afraid that someone else might "unlock" a more intense kind of sex for her in a way that I just can't. This would be bad because then I have to start or stop doing or thinking________.

THAT would be bad because then I have to start or stop doing/thinking...

and then THAT would be bad because...

You just go til you cannot dig any deeper.

Galagirl

Hey man, I'm sorry i can't nullify your fears ,but I am going through almost the same exact thing.

My wife & i were basically monogamous until i told her to open up to her bi sexuality. Because i felt that after all the men she been with before (like you i had much less partners than my wife in the past) that after we were married her days of chasing other men were done as she got what she wanted in that aspect. So i wanted her to be able to satisfy the otherside of her sexuality.

After a failed relationship she had with another woman she began to wonder why if she could share her love with another woman and i was okay with it why she couldn't share it with another man.

Hence enters the guy she is currently involved with. He spent a week with us about 2 weeks ago ,and i gave her her fantasy of having the 2 of us share her in bed as she gave me mine with me her & her girlfriend in bed together.

She has the desire to go hang out with DOOD alone as all of us together as she said thats the only way to build a relationship and that means them kissing/holding each other alone just like they do when we're all together.

Although i'm at the same sticking point as you are with your wife seeing other men ,and thats the idea of sex. it doesn't bother me when were all pleasuring her together because to me its just another way to have sex with her just like introducing toys ,and etc. Although i have a hard time being comfortable with them having sex alone.

I'm just lucky because my situation is unique to the degree that even though she wants to be able to spend time alone with DOOD she also just as much desires us all to be together as she's told me she enjoys feeling the attention she gets from us together.

So because we are involved in this together me & DOOD have open dialogue between each other. He's already told us he knows her & i share a special bond ,and love for each other that he doesn't intend to break nor does he want to disturb it.

My wife & i have had far too many arguments about this and im sure you & you're wife have had similar issues over it. My feeling is in order for any kind of poly relationship to work communication, and mutual compromises/guidelines are necessary so everyone involved feels they are getting a equal shake in this.

Just like you my wife & i are still very early in this transition of being mainly monogamous to being more open ,and its very rough.

Just hang in there man...just keep communications open ,and be honest.

We all have fears when a new relationship starts. My SO and I met when we were 17 and 19, and she was on her way to college. I came from relationships heavy in sex (actually my ex before her was all about sex, so much to the point we cut it off because I found out she was with 3 other guys, and one of them just so happened to be her fiance and no guy knew about the other, this is cheating, not poly), and when we first started dating, we had a lot of it. She was a Virgin when we met, but she was quite skilled in oral and had been fingers before, just never went all the way with anyone else. We had amazing sex for about the first 3 years of our relationship, then it cut down after I put the ring on. I finally found out that after I proposed, she lost fear that she was gonna lose me, and the main reason she tried to play catchup to my sex drive was so that I didn't leave her for someone that could. This was never the case in my head, but it was her fear. She used to be okay having sex maybe once a month to once every other month, and I would eat her out or finger her in between those times. Me, I can go 2-3 times a day and still function in life, so this left me very serially neglected. She first opened up about a guy she was attracted to that she worked with. I knew the guy, we had hung out, and I knew they were friends, and he would flirt with her. This never bothered me, in fact. I tell her all the time that if another guy flirts, I enjoy it because in my mind, I know that J and I have her and no one else will. It gives me a feeling like, "you see the cookie jar, but you'll never get your hand in." the first guy was a one night fling, and that's cause he ended up starting a relationship about a week after they had sex. The night was so bad for me. I got shit faced drunk so that I could get over my fear and anxiety of loss, and the idea that he would be so much better in bed than me. He turned out to be hugely endowed, so much so that it hurt her and she did not know if she could continue with him if he had not started a relationship. After that, her sex drove rose and we had sex about 2-3 times a week. Eventually, it wore off, and she told me that she misses the early part of a relationship. The whole getting to know someone and learning not only about them, but them. So, she asked if she could get to know one of my friends better. The guy had told me many times that I was lucky to have a girl as pretty as her, and we had hung out many times, so I was comfortable with the situation. He slowly started to flirt with her, and she dropped it on him, actually right before he had to clock in to work, which made the whole work day awkward cause he had no idea that I was open to the situation. Afterwards, he came over and we talked. Trust me, talking is the big thing that will get you through the whole situation. It has been about 2 months since J joined our family, and we look forward to keeping him for the long haul. He has a sex drive similar to hers, but we each have sex with her about 2 times a week cause all 3 get into the mood. It's nice having someone who not only she can talk to, but I can talk to as well. We have had a few blow ups where one side had been keeping feelings in and things finally burst, and this is why I said communication is key. But, don't just talk, listen. It wasn't until the other night that I finally understood that J does get jealous of me in the relationship, and that's because he's afraid that he can never take the relationship farther than it is now. So, while you are afraid of losing her sexually, her OSO has other fears on his mind. If you get a chance, after she introduces yall, and you get to know him a little, actually sit down and get to know him. Who knows, how might be there for the long haul.

Hi NorthCarolinaGuy,

Re (from OP):

"I am hoping someone has perhaps found themselves in a situation quite a lot like mine. I am hoping they can tell me that they had fears like mine, but that those turned out to be unfounded. I am hoping they can tell me that their sex life with their life partner was enriched by opening things up, and not that their partner found a preference for someone else."

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Even if someone's situation was quite a lot like yours, it's not necessarily likely that the way things turned for them would be the way things would turn out for you. There are far too many variables as you go from one person to another, and all people are very individual and unique (both in their personalities and in their situations).

Having said that, I have heard of something called RRE -- Renewed Relationship Energy. It's what happens in polyamory when your partner gets excited about a new person they're dating, and as a result, gets more excited about you as well. Their NRE "spills over," if you will. I've heard RRE talked about often enough that I think it is a real thing that happens in a lot of cases (though not all).

Part of this depends on Amy being responsible about any NRE she experiences and making a point to include you in the benefits she is receiving from a new relationship. From your description she sounds like a responsible person, so I would encourage trusting her in this poly proposition, even if emotionally it's a scary thing to do.

Just a quick thought.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.