Welcome back, Boolean.
It's good to hear from you. I remember your posts and am glad to read an update.
So, your situation is now as follows?
- C plans to end it with T in Jan 2015
- You must be monogamous until then
- You will both be monogamous from Valentine's Day
- C fundamentally feels that she's bad at monogamy
- C has offered to try non-monogamy again
- You're concerned her and T are closer than she's letting on
- You've said you want to stick to the plan of monogamy
Boolean, a few things really concern me. Firstly, I think C *is* closer to T than she's letting on. Or, simply, rather selfish. There are two main red flags that lead me to believe this.
1. She's dragging her feet. Honestly? She should have ended it with T within a couple of weeks of your last discussion about it... in SEPTEMBER. It's not impossible for her to avoid sleeping with T, she just doesn't want to stop. C also has a history of hiding things from you and going against YOUR wishes (no protection with T) whist expecting you to cater to her wishes. These issues lead me to think she doesn't want to end it with T, and I'm wondering if she even fully intends to.
2. This:
She said she's willing to 'try again.' (to let me have a lover on the side.)
Boolean, she's trying to bargain with you. I also have a hunch that C has a habit of offering you less than she's experiencing herself. When she labelled T as a FWB, she suggested you remain mono. I'm betting that she's grown quite attached to T now, and so she's offering you a casual FWB hookup to rid herself of her own guilt over that.
Even if she doesn't have feelings for T - certainly not to the level she has for you - she clearly doesn't want to give him up. If this is the case, there's nothing wrong with her suggesting that you BOTH become non-monogamous, as she has now done. However, I dare say that she's not motivated by a wish for *your* happiness. I think she sees it as the price she has to pay to do what *she* wants to do.
Other things that concern me:
She says she thinks she would be ok with it, 'as long as I can be sure she isnt going to try to steal you away from me.'
But I think I need to know that she would go mono for us.
Also I think she and T may be getting a bit too close emotionally.
I think you're both in for a rocky ride. C is going to flip if you ever become emotionally involved with a woman. You also don't seem to like the idea of her being too close to T. In non-monogamy, you can never guarantee that emotions won't happen.
She's tried to dismiss my "hangup on fairness" as a Libra thing but I said no, it's a fundamental principle of human relationships.
Haha. This made me laugh when I read it. As a fellow Libra, I can say that we do like our equality, mm? Silly little Libras that we are.
She said she loves me and wants to grow old together with me but is afraid she would "let me down" in a monogamous relationship, since, after all, her track record with monogamy is 'not so good' (her statement).
I know that you may not want to deal with this, but it sounds to me that you will need to pay attention to this statement very carefully if you continue to be in a relationship with C. If you force the monogamous route, you are essentially ignoring this statement.
if and when it all falls apart, and I decide I do need to leave her, I want to know that I did everything I could to make it work. That it wasn't my sullen resentment and negativity that ended things.
I think you've been perfectly fair with your fundamental points. When you are in situations that are unfair on you, you aren't going to feel positive. If it ends, it's not because you are needlessly negative. You have every logical reason to feel negatively about things right now.
So. What do you people suggest? How can I get through this time until Valentines day with a smile on my face and a positive attitude?
Hmmm... Boolean? I'm honestly not sure how you can. Why on Earth would you be able to? Simply, your girlfriend is fucking someone else until January while you've agreed not to fuck anyone else. Of course that's going to hurt. Things you could do to ease this time for you:
- Re-suggest non-monogamy (for BOTH of you)
- Tell her that *your* boundary is that you need her to end it in the next 2 weeks, or for her to admit that she needs non-monogamy
- Continue as you are until V. Day and find ways to distract yourself and have fun while she's out. Friends or family you could see? Watch every episode the UK BBC version of Sherlock?
I do think that non-monogamy is going to be in your future if you marry C. I honestly think it's better to start thinking about this now. C is almost certainly going to go ahead and do it, or express that she wants to, in the future.
Finally, I have to say that I'm still concerned about C's character and the way that she conducts herself. I am pleased to see, from what you have written, that you've been standing up for yourself in a kind, non-abusive, but clear manner. I'm not saying that C is like your ex-wife, or that she doesn't have many wonderful qualities - I hear from your earlier posts that she does have many wonderful qualities. But the screaming at you on the phone, calling you selfish, blaming you for adding stress to her life, and so on. These are toxic ways of communicating that we are all capable of slipping into at some point, but it's worrying if they become the norm.
Based on your previous marriage, you may have done a lot of reading already about abuse and codependecy. I came across a wonderful book recently, by the popular Simeon Lindstrom -
Codependency: Loves Me, Loves Me Not. If you haven't already read it, it covers jealousy among other things. You may find it really useful.
Another book I'd highly recommend -
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. I find the advice applies to interactions with anyone who has narcissistic or borderline traits, or is highly self-focused, blamey, over-emotional, explosive, etc., even if they don't have NPD or BPD.
