Am I being unreasonable?

I'll try to be brief here and provide more details if they are needed.


My partner and I are newish to being poly, we've been together 3 years and throughout we've both had other partners to play with but this is the first relationship either of us have ever had where we successfully had that kind of situation.

My partner has had a recent new interest, which seems to me more romantic then her past one was. This one she texts frequently, draws porn of, researches online, etc. I, on the other hand, do not have another interest currently and am being cautious about developing one while feeling hurt.

I discussed the situation with my P and we made some ground rules. The short of it was I don't want to hear about the dating aspects of that relationship. I don't want to see that, and I want to feel like I am always number 1 priority in our relationship. She agreed that she also wanted to feel that way but admitted it was difficult for her not to fawn over this other person. None the less the guideline was set, and she agreed to expose me as little as possible to that relationship (outside of agreed upon topics like having sex or something that would expose me to risk; which I did want to know about).

Since then there have been several instances where this rule was broke. Most notably one where she asked me to help facilitate a date situation for her and this new person. I feel very disrespected, and like my partner is ignoring my request to keep that aspect of the 'ship on the downlow.

What can I do here?

Be mono? DaDt relationships are completely unfair to any other person you bring into the relationship. If you think you can have your cake and eat it too (enjoy a poly/non mono type, while still pretending you're mono), than go for it. But it rarely ends up in a good place.

If you want an open relationship, than please, just acknowledge it and stop acting like your partner isn't dating the guy. You don't have to have sex with him or be best friends. But coordinating a schedule? Like, "Hey, I want to go out with X this week, what is a good night for that and how can you work around your and my schedules?" is completely reasonable.

Maybe I mis communicated. This isn't DaDt. We tell each other when a new relationship is started, discuss what is OK with that partner and what level of detail we want to know about that relationship. So there is a lot of conversation regarding the relationship, but there are boundaries to what level of communication I personally would like to hear.

Is that still not enough communication? Do poly relationships need to discuss every bit of detail to work?

*edited to add*

This isn't the first other person brought into the relationship. In her prior partner we arranged dates, etc. It was never an issue since the romantic element was not there. This one is more problematic for me since it is.

well since you don't want to hear about her other partners, every time she brings them up just shut her down. remind her that you don't want to hear about it and that she agreed to that, then don't listen. If she wants to brag about her new partner she can do that with her girlfriends.

I prefer not to talking about other partners personally

Re (from cowpunch):

"So there is a lot of conversation regarding the relationship, but there are boundaries to what level of communication I personally would like to hear."

Click to expand...

What are those boundaries, if I may ask? What are some examples of stuff you would or would not like to hear?

Re (from OP):

"I, on the other hand, do not have another interest currently and am being cautious about developing one while feeling hurt."

Click to expand...

Can you identify the source of this hurt?

Re:

"She agreed that she also wanted to feel that way but admitted it was difficult for her not to fawn over this other person. Nonetheless the guideline was set ..."

Click to expand...

I'm getting a vibe that she wasn't 100% behind this guideline. If she wasn't, then it isn't a big surprise if she then broke the rule.

Re:

"Most notably one where she asked me to help facilitate a date situation for her and this new person."

Click to expand...

What do we mean by "facilitate?" Did she want you to contact the new person, orchestrate the date, and encourage the two of them to go on it, or was she just trying to coordinate schedules?

DADT isn't an all-or-none proposition; pretty much everyone has some DADT in their relationships. It's not a question of whether it's there, it's a question of whether it's there in wholesome proportion.

Re:

"What can I do here?"

Click to expand...

You can't force her to obey the rule. You can complain, you can act out, or you can break up with her (temporarily or permanently). You can choose your actions. On the same token, she gets to choose her actions.

I think I would need more information before I felt comfortable giving more advice. If you could fill in a few more of the details, that would help.

I am sorry you struggle.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want space from her NRE stuff, but I do think you could be more clear first in what you need, why you need it, and how you would like it to be met by your partner.

I have questions if you could be willing to clarify.

1) Why are you hurt? How does this boundary being put into place alleviate the hurt? What does it solve for you? What IS the boundary exactly? What you are willing to do, what you are NOT willing to do? I'm not hearing it clear cut.

2) How long ago was the talk? A few days? A few weeks? If she's been in the habit of sharing everything with you as her primary partner, I could see where it could take her a few attempts before she gets it to the right volume/frequency if this is a new boundary. Changes take time. A ramping up, if you will. How fast did you expect 100% compliance?

3) This boundary's time frame -- is this forever like a "hard limit?" A deal breaker? (Which could change your primary-ness if you are closing off to her sharing her inner life with you. Who else is she suppose to share inner life with if not her primary? In your model, do you guys envision emotional sharing/support as part of the primary's role? How do you guys define "primary" for yourselves? )

Is this boundary a "soft limit" just for a few months while you adjust to the new partner in your world and then you become more willing to share in her inner life again? (Are you dealing in poly hell things that you both might want to talk about? )

4) What is the consequence of broken boundary? Right now it sounds like it has none. If so, your boundary setting skills could need tweaking. Boundaries are expectations of behavior for yourself. If X behavior happens towards you, YOU will do Y. You cannot control how others behave, but you can control what you will and will not allow around you and how you respond.

So what happens if she crosses the line then? What was your expectations of YOU as consequence? "If partner does X, then I expect myself to do ....?"

Have you thought that out? Because without a consequence, a boundary means nothing. It could be 3 strikes, 5 strikes, 10 strikes... but it isn't going to be 100, 100, 1 million, infinity strikes without any response from you, right? For me I go with 3 strikes. I expect myself to speak up and say "hey, I don't like that. Please stop!" up to 3 strikes. Then I expect me to walk away and get out of the line of fire. I control my "stayingness." If I see partner is trying, then I might allow some "getting used to new boundary" time first. But if there is NO effort to change behaviors to respect my limit, then I just start counting strikes to myself.

FOR NOW SUGGESTION:

While you think all that out? Here's what I think you could do for now.

You could say "I am not up for this. We have an agreement that we go no deeper than X when talking about your other partner. This (whatever she asked you to facilitate beyond calendar coordinating) falls into the "too much" bucket to me. But I hope you have a nice time and the date goes well."

Then detach and let her deal with planning her date on her own. You don't have to be involved past stating that your willingness is "not up for that."

If you are having anger response and are unable to just let it go and detach? Could figure out why.

What are your expectations of her? Is it that you want her to mind reader you? Protect you from experience yucky feelings in polyship? Make it so you do not have to do boundary keeping and follow through on the behavior you set for yourself? Something else?

Are you finding you are monoamorous and polysexual (love share with 1 person, sex share with more than 1) and it bothers you to discover she is polyamorous and polysexual (love share with more than 1, sex share with more than 1)? Are you discovering you are polysexual-friendly, but not polyamorous-friendly? Something else?

Hang in there with it while you sort your thoughts out. Hopefully you can start to feel better.

Galagirl

Romance and love are integral to polyamory. If you're not willing to accept that and hear and acknowledge that romance is part of her other relationships, then maybe you simply aren't ready for the challenges of poly.

Woah so much responce!

First off thank you all for taking the time to write. I'll do my best to answer the questions you asked...

kdt26417:
I would not like to hear the specifics of dates. Saying "we're going to the movies and then back to his place where I am going to use the Hitachi on his shaft for a while" would be unacceptable where as "I'm going to go out with *** Saturday night" is acceptable.

Source of hurt... presumable insecurity? Jealousy? Stuff I want to work through but don't want to be smashed in the face with every time we have a conversation.

Is she 100% behind the guideline. No, she stated it would be hard for her. I'm not really surprised she's pushing past my boundaries but that doesn't make it less damaging to the relationship.

Facilitate- I can't get into the specifics here... Sorry. It wasn't just coordinating schedules, that part had been worked out. Let's just say she asked me to get them into a concert for free, and it was a concert we had wanted to see together. I think that is a reasonable comparison.



GalaGirl: Some of this is answered above so I am just answering the q's that I didn't already do.

How long ago - initially 3 months, but then more recently twice in 3 weeks

Time limit - Till I feel more comfortable with the situation. Yes I'm willing to share some of that stuff, but I don't want it dropped on me whenever. If I've set up the time and headspace to deal with it then that's fine, but when it interrupts me from appreciating the time we have together I am annoyed.

Consequences - I don't like ultimatums. I'm not willing to put an unnatural consequence on the relationship. I've communicated that this behavior makes me feel insecure and that I would be more likely to act out and pursue another relationship as a result of it. Also I am sure it would become much more tit for tat. I am trying to avoid that, hence the discussion. There is no "limit" because I am not going to deliberately act like that, but the line between me involving myself with someone else because I want to and because I am jealous can get blurry sometimes.

Polyamorous or polysexual- IDK I'd like to think I am both ... that's difficult to know without the breath of experience there.


Nycindie:
That sounds a lot like "Just man up" to me. Isn't there room for hearing a limited amount? Is a relationship about finding balance and harmony between two people, or is it about them just sucking it up whenever they encounter something they dislike about their union?

No, I am definitely not the type to say "man up." LOL

I could be misunderstanding you, but it seems quite evident from your posts that the thing that bothers you most about her relationship is that it is indeed a *relationship* and is not just physical playing around.

Lots of polyfolk have boundaries about how much information they want to hear, but it seems that your reasons are not just about having a certain level of tolerance for private details shared. It seems that don't want to hear about her other relationships specifically because there is a romantic/intimate/loving quality to it, beyond the sex.

Polyamory is not just about having multiple recreational sex partners. If you sign up for poly, you need to accept that the potential for love/romance/intimacy is part and parcel of that - otherwise, you might as well just go to swinger clubs or have casual sex with anonymous people.

So, I am not saying "man up." I am saying go deeper. This is serious shit. It is an issue that you need to look inward in order to resolve. No amount of trying to control or police her behavior will address your discomfort with that fact that she wants to share more than just her body with another person besides you. No matter how much you insist, and she agrees, that you are her #1 priority, you don't own her and you cannot control her. You already know that, I am sure. Your state of upset, and the fact that you choose to take offense at how she is conducting her own relationships that have nothing to do with you, can only be resolved with inner work on yourself. Only deeper self awareness can help you. Drill down - why are you uncomfortable with it? What is the fear/insecurity/threat? What is the worst case scenario? How can you reassure yourself without attempting to limit your girlfriend's freedom and right to be true to herself?

That's an interesting perspective, thank you for the quick responce. I'll start with this bit:

"No amount of trying to control or police her behavior will address your discomfort with that fact that she wants to share more than just her body with another person besides you. Your state of upset, and the fact that you choose to take offense at how she is conducting her own relationships that have nothing to do with you, can only be resolved with inner work on yourself"

I'm not trying to control or police her behavior. I am hurt by the behavior and I am communicating that I am hurt by the behavior. The natural consequence of that hurt is that I will behave in shitty detrimental ways that I would like to avoid.
Saying I am choosing to take offense makes it all too easy. If I were easily able to not be offended by this I would simply not be. Also, I pretty strongly feel that the part of the relationship I am annoyed with does have to do with me. How she conducts her relationship with him is not being limited by me, but I would like to limit the amount of information that I am receiving about it.

On to the questions...
I am uncomfortable because I don't want to get replaced or left behind. A pretty standard fear I imagine for many poly people. I guess that is complicated by feelings of abandonment in prior relationships that did not work out. Which I would say is probably true for most 35 year old divorcees.

Worse case scenario? We break up, she burns my house down, and sues me for emotional damage? I'm not thinking this is a real concern. The most likely scenario is that we hurt each other back and forth unnecessarily and it leads to a break up situation.

How can I re-assure myself... well I'm trying to have some conversations with impartial parties because I think that might help As for her freedom, I'm doing my best. I'm not putting any hard limits on her and never had, our conversations are 100% this is what you're doing and this is how I feel. It's never you need to stop this, etc.

I'm sorry that your partner isn't respecting your boundaries in terms of how much info is too much. That doesn't sound easy to deal with.

I think it is completely reasonable to set *specific* limits on what you are and are not comfortable hearing. Hubby did the same thing when it became apparent that S2 and I were heading for more than friends-with-benefits (and when NRE shut down my internal censor... I definitely overshare sometimes). In our case, he asked that I not share details of our dates and that I not tell him things S2 has said to me that make me happy... but he also put in that I can *ask* if it's okay to share something and let him decide whether he's okay with hearing it.

So I might say "I saw S2 last night", which is fine with Hubby, but it's then either on him to ask for more info/details, or on me to say something like "He did something really cool, may I tell you about it?" with the understanding that if Hubby says "No, I'd rather not hear it," I keep my mouth shut.

Our situation is slightly different from yours in that while *I* am poly, Hubby is not, and has had to do some major mental shifting to accept me as I am and accept me having another partner. But Hubby's request as far as what I share with him comes from the same roots as yours: Worry that he'll be replaced; feeling insecure; and feeling jealous. All of which he has admitted and owned.

If the problem you're having *with her* is solely with the amount of information being shared, rather than with the emotional depth of her relationship(s), that's more easily dealt with in my opinion. When she goes on a date, remind her of your specific boundaries in terms of what she shares. If she starts oversharing, broken-record her. In other words, just keep saying, "I'm sorry, that's crossing my line for what I'm comfortable hearing." If she keeps talking, walk away.

And make it clear to her that you are NOT her social coordinator. I think you need to make sure she knows *she* is responsible for her own dates, and not get involved with any aspect of them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I came from a truly DADT situation which WAS unreasonable (like husband would not acknowledge the existence of other lovers.) But I see no problem with someone not wanting to hear all the details of the romance and sex life of their partner. As long as you acknowledge the existence and importance of the other partner, I don't see why you should have to hear details of dates, sex, or anything else that doesn't have anything to do with your relationship to your partner. It's none of your business, and you shouldn't have to feel that your partner keeps invoking other partners during your time together. One of the ugliest poly situations I've ever seen involved a couple who told each other every gory detail, leading to some of the most ridiculous, perfectly avoidable fights I've ever heard.

I say, if your wife really needs to crow to someone about her lover, and you don't want to hear it, let her bend a girlfriend's ear.

I wish to add another viewpoint. I am in a relationship with a woman, which has lasted almost 6 years now, and there have been very very few instances of me feeling jealous, even when she recounts the romantic and/or sexual details of her dates with others fully.

However, I broke up a 2 1/2 year relationship over the summer that I had with a man. I hated hearing about his dates, and we could never figure out how much detail was enough or too much to tell. I'd feel rotten either way, with less or more detail. Why was there so much difference between my 2 partners?

I think it was several factors. I trust my gf to pick out partners that I feel are worthy of her, and that I also respect. She is very picky and careful. Another thing is, she is so much in love with me and shows it in so many ways I appreciate. (5 Love Languages: I have all 5, and she gifts me in all areas.)

However, my ex bf seemed to constantly pick out sketchy people in awkward messy life situations. Once when I complained about all the drama with his OSOs, he said. "I like drama!"

When he took up with a married couple, who were new to poly and not "out," in which the male partner was so jealous he insisted all sex and dates be 3ways, and when the 3 of them "broke up" and got back together again twice in one month, on and on with dramatic highs and lows, a rollercoaster of poly hell, or like silly high school shit, I'd had enough!

I was tired of him being a slave to NRE and thinking with his dick at every turn. He wasn't meeting my needs for reassurance. Less and less did he gift me with meeting my needs in many areas of life. He had done well with that in our first year, but then dropped the ball when NRE faded and he thought he had me in the bag.

There was even a similar incident like the one you recounted about the concert you'd hoped to share with her, and she wanted you to arrange for her and her OSO to go for free. I drove my bf (who was feeling tired) to a drum circle he wanted to go to with me. He'd promised me sex before we went, had seemed eager in chat online to do me good, until I got there. Then he was all of a sudden too tired for sex, but still wanted to go dancing. I even drove out of our way to get him his favorite kind of chocolate to revive him. When we got to the drum circle he became energized and spent the night sexy dancing with 2 other women he has crushes on. As soon as the dancing was over, he was "tired" again, and I just drove him home and dropped him off!

This was the most egregious example of a common pattern he got into after our first year together. I felt used, neglected, and set on a shelf so he could dip his cock into new people. He took me off the shelf when he needed me to do something for him. We talked about this, over and over, and he'd try to make amends, and then do the same damn thing all over again immediately once he'd placated me.

Is your gf meeting your relationship needs, speaking your love languages? Maybe if she did, you'd be better able to feel compersion for her other relationship, rather than envy and jealousy and a need to act out and do petty tit for tat things. Maybe not wanting to hear about her dates isn't the real issue, it's just a side effect of other things going on, her neglecting those needs of hers she used to fulfill, like it was with me and my ex?

Re (from cowpunch):

"I would not like to hear the specifics of dates. Saying, 'We're going to the movies and then back to his place where I am going to use the Hitachi on his shaft for a while,' would be unacceptable, whereas, 'I'm going to go out with *** Saturday night,' is acceptable."

Click to expand...

Okay, that sounds like a reasonable boundary.

Re:

"Source of hurt ... presumable insecurity? Jealousy? Stuff I want to work through but don't want to be smashed in the face with every time we have a conversation."

Click to expand...

Okay so you have some jealousy and/or insecurity to work on, but you need to do it at your own tempo and not be rushed into it. And I take it your partner has rhapsodized over the other person quite a lot, which forces you to do more processing than you're ready to do?

So when we talk about "the guideline," what we mean is, you don't want your partner to rhapsodize to you about the other person, and you don't want to hear about the Hitachi and his shaft, and other such overshare. (In which case I think that your partner should at least be willing to try to do that, even if she's not 100% successful all the time.)

Re: dates with the other person ... it sounds like you're willing to work with her on scheduling who she spends time with and when, but you don't want to get (any?) further involved than that. (Again, sounds like a reasonable boundary.)

The others have posted good stuff; I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I am uncomfortable because I don't want to get replaced or left behind. A pretty standard fear I imagine for many poly people. I guess that is complicated by feelings of abandonment in prior relationships that did not work out.

Click to expand...

Does anything in poly hell apply?

What about jealousy? Esp page 5 & 6?

More jealousy

Could you both read those and talk it out?

"I would not like to hear the specifics of dates. Saying, 'We're going to the movies and then back to his place where I am going to use the Hitachi on his shaft for a while,' would be unacceptable, whereas, 'I'm going to go out with *** Saturday night,' is acceptable."

Click to expand...

Totally reasonable boundary.

If you have told her to STOP telling you Hitachi details and she's still telling you that and it is a total turn off? To me it is kinda fresh to keep ON oversharing like that. If that was one of the the main issues, I can see why you would say this:

I feel very disrespected, and like my partner is ignoring my request to keep that aspect of the 'ship on the downlow.

Click to expand...

I think you are right to call it disrespectful -- because it is. And not only disrespectful toward you wishing not to hear sex details like that, but disrespectful of the other partner's privacy. Those are his personal sex details too. Is she just telling whoever whatever about his sex activities and preferences? It's rude.

But I don't think acting out stuff or doing tit-for-tat stuff helps problem solve. I prefer to try to solve it collaboratively. But at the same time? Recognize all people might be willing to try but sometimes it is not able to be solved. I'm not up for beating my head against a wall forever trying to make something fly that just... doesn't. YKWIM?

I'm not sure at what point you are at though. I am sorry you are dealing in this. I hope for your sake it gets sorted out well before it goes past your limit of tolerance.

Galagirl

Thanks again everyone. You all are very helpful and surprising active on this thread. I did not anticipate so many replies. I'll do my best to respond to all of them.

Magdlyn:

I'm not familiar with the 5 love languages, but my GF is very attentive to me both physically and emotionally. There is some unbalance in our finances and life styles but we work hard at trying to keep open communication regarding those issues. My situation is nothing like the one you described with your x (thankfully!) and if it were I would definitely not be able to continue the relationship. I'm amazed you did for so long (though hindsight is 20/20 I am sure)!
That said perhaps the unbalance we do have is affecting my tolerance for this new relationship. It would be good for me to explore that a little bit and do some meditation there. Thank you for the very insightful advice!

kdt26417:

You're correct. My partner is very emphatic which I am having a hard time with (I'm having to do more processing then I can handle ATM). She is trying hard not to be though, which is a difficult for her since it feels wrong in her mind not to share what's important to her with me. TBH I respect the shit out of that and hope someday I can hear all of it without getting so spun up.


GalaGirl:

Yes the polyhell link applied and I shared it with my GF. She also found it useful. Thank you for the links!

Everyone:

Thank you all again for listening and sharing your experiences with me. I appreciate all of the help you've offered! This has given me a bit of food for thought and helped me to see some places where I could be a little more open, and what boundaries I should probably stand by for now.