Stuck in a really tough spot...

Hi everyone.
This is my first time posting and I am new to both polyamory.com and polyamory itself. I am posting because I need some advice on the situation that I am currently in.
So about 7 months ago, I met a girl in the BDSM lifestyle for what was supposed to be casual sex. I found out she was married and had a kid shortly after we began talking but I decided to pursue something with her anyways because I figured it was just going to be something casual that would eventually fizzle out and also because I was very intrigued by her. Side note: her husband knows she is bi and poly and allows her to pursue women outside of their marriage.
Long story short, we ended up falling in love and our relationship evolved quite differently than it was supposed to. I myself am not poly but now find myself in a relationship and in love with a woman who is married and has a family. I am really struggling with the fact that she is married and has someone else. I've spent months trying to accept it and make things work despite my unhappiness with the situation.
In addition, the relationship between my girlfriend and her husband is incredibly rocky and they have tons of problems that have made this even more difficult for me to bear. They tell me that none of the problems have to do with me but I have a feeling that her husband is now no longer okay with her having another relationship. He's mainly just passive aggressive about things and can't stand when she spends time with someone other than him or has sex with someone else. We've all had threesomes (purely just a fwb situation between me and the husband.) However, recently he cheated on her and I no longer want anything to do with him sexually. I think that their relationship is toxic and that he is emotionally abusive but she won't leave him and thats frustrating to watch.
I've spoken to my girlfriend about my unhappiness and I have even tried meeting and dating other people to try and get my needs and wants met that she cannot fulfill. This has not worked because I have given my heart to her and I am unable to focus on starting another relationship or giving my heart to someone else while I am still with her and in love with her.
I don't want to leave or end things with her but each passing day, I grow more and more unhappy with the situation and with being her secondary. (Even though she claims that I am not a secondary relationship) I know that if it comes down to it, she would choose him and that breaks my heart. I would never make her choose but I'm afraid he will one day. When I talk about possibly ending things, she gets incredibly upset and begs me to try and figure out a way to make this work. She really just won't let me go even though she realizes that I am unhappy and neither of us sees a way to fix it. She tries to spend more alone time with me but she can never spend the night with me because of her husband and baby and I want more than anything for us to move to that level of our relationship. I can see her trying and that breaks my heart because it's just not enough for me.
I've tried so many things to make this work and to try and accept the situation and find the good in it. At the end of every day, I'm alone and I hate that.
I am wondering if anyone sees a way(s) in which I can make this work or if I should just end things even though that is so painful to think about.
Thank you all for reading!

I'm sorry you struggle.

I found out she was married and had a kid shortly after we began talking but I decided to pursue something with her anyways because I figured it was just going to be something casual that would eventually fizzle out and also because I was very intrigued by her.

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I mean this kindly ok?

Stripped of all the extra details it seems like this to me --

• You went against your judgement in choosing dating partner. Did not end up serving you well.

At this time you find you don't like being in this, don't like she is married, etc. Maybe you also find you are not "casual dater" in style. These pop out at me --

I am really struggling with the fact that she is married and has someone else. I've spent months trying to accept it and make things work despite my unhappiness with the situation.

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I am unable to focus on starting another relationship or giving my heart to someone else while I am still with her and in love with her.

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I grow more and more unhappy with the situation and with being her secondary.

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I am unhappy and neither of us sees a way to fix it.

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she can never spend the night with me because of her husband and baby and I want more than anything for us to move to that level of our relationship. I can see her trying and that breaks my heart because it's just not enough for me.

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The only conclusion that makes sense to me is to end it. So you can be free to find what it is you seek -- a partner more able to meet your time/attention needs. Call it a learning experience and move on.

Get yourself out of this situation that isn't joyous for you. Accept limit reached. Don't linger in the hurting space -- move on to the healing space. So in time you can feel better.

In future could pick dating partners more carefully so you aren't setting yourself up for avoidable dings. Dings that happen one cannot help? That happens. But dings you can avoid? It's on you to know yourself well and try to avoid them rather than ignore them. Next time don't go against your judgement. That doesn't sound like it pans out for you.

You could point her to resources like http://speakoutloud.net. But whether the stays or goes... you could get YOU out of the toxic situation.

I am very sorry you deal in this. Still has to be dealt with though.

Galagirl

Your story sounds a lot like mine.

XBF went into it figuring it would just be some fun times. Maybe I did, too. Instead, it turned into a deep connection and love.

He insisted I wasn't secondary. But any other name it can be called is just a game of semantics when one person of the two is always the one going home alone; when one person of the two will never have more; when one person of the two is dispensable, if push comes to shove; when one person of the two is not and will never be the first priority. I have no doubt that he loves me deeply, even now. But it doesn't change the practical fact that he wasn't going to give me any of those things, and that I was the dispensable one of the two of us (me and his wife) if need be.

Like your situation, he got very agitated any time I tried to back away. In fact, it's been 9 months since I broke up with him, and he's still seeking ways to reel me back in for something, anything, any excuse to spend time with me.

Like your situation, his spouse had an issue and was very passive aggressive about it.

Like you, I believe that he's very unhappy with her. I believe she treats him with disrespect and disregard, and shows no interest at all in his accomplishments or hardships. I believe she uses him shamelessly, and doesn't carry her weight in the relationship. But that's his choice. It's not mine to fix.

End result, like you, I looked and looked for a way to make it work, to be happy with it. But most people are not going to be happy knowing deep down that they're ultimately dispensable, knowing that they're never going to have the things that normally come with a relationship, the things one normally comes to desire from someone they love, knowing they are not, ultimately, the priority of the one they love. [Never make someone your priority while you are their option.]

You're not going to get those things with her. As long as you stay with her, you're far less likely to find it with anyone else.

I still love him. He still loves me. But I'm glad I broke up with him, and I will never again be someone's option or second.

I personally think the wise thing for you to do is move on, even though it's going to hurt in the short run.

WhatHappened said:

[Never make someone your priority while you are their option.]

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I just wanted to lift this up, because WH put it perfectly. Both GalaGirl and WhatHappened have offered wonderful advice, as always. All I can do is agree with them and add to this.

I hear that you began your relationship thinking it would be casual sex and it evolved into something deeper. I understand how this happens, and I've been there too. You now find yourself in what feels like an impossible situation.

I think it's great that you've identified your limits in terms of wanting no sexual involvement with your girlfriend's husband. I also understand your struggles with watching their relationship problems and emotional abuse.

I also understand all too well how you being in love with your girlfriend is causing you to have little interest in investing yourself in another person.

Ultimately, you have to listen to yourself, as painful as it is. You are recognising that you do not want to be in a secondary relationship.

The only possible way your current situation could work if it remains the same is for you to be somehow able to adjust your perspectives. If you can find a way to accept and appreciate the love that comes into your life and the experiences you *can* currently share with your girlfriend, you may be able to find some happiness in this. However, you feel what you feel, and I dare say that the looming threat of being the "last one in, first one out" should an ultimatum ever be given is going to leave you lacking security for as long as you are in this situation.

If you cannot invest yourself in someone else who could offer you more of the things you crave, and you cannot be fully satisfied in your current relationship setup with your girlfriend, I'm genuinely sorry to say that I don't see an option outside of removing yourself from the situation.

In this case, it's down to you to lay your cards on the table. You want a more involved relationship with your girlfriend that involves (at least) some overnights and more 'togetherness'. You want to be more immersed in a traditional type of commitment where you perhaps live together, and perhaps become a part of her baby's life (?). If your girlfriend also wants these things, I'm afraid that she is the only person in control of making those decisions. She has to be willing to change her lifestyle in order to create that type of relationship with you.

I wish you all the best of luck with this, and I hope that you will keep us updated as to how you are doing.

Hi IC8,

Re (from OP):

"I am wondering if anyone sees (a) way/s in which I can make this work or if I should just end things even though that is so painful to think about."

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I'm very sorry that it's as painful as it is to think about it, but I have to agree with the others. You should just end things.

Over and over in your narrative I heard you saying you are miserably unhappy with the situation, and it's only getting worse as time goes on. That's not the type of thing one can make work. It would be like trying to make a car work with square wheels.

Polyamory is probably not a good thing for you, unless you can be a co-primary partner, in deed and not just word, with sleep-together privileges and the whole ball of wax. And I would not presume to prod you in that direction. Save yourself some heartbreak in the future: Seek a loving monogamous relationship.

in a similar situation

I am in a relationship with a married woman, I live with her and her family. I still struggle with her being married. Tonight they are downtown and staying in a hotel. I am at home with their children. (its their datenight) I was my choice to watch the boys, they could have gotten a babysitter and I could have gone out. I am getting better at not feeling left out (like why does your husband get to spend the night with you at a hotel and I don't.. The answer is because he is your husband and he is important.. that's how this relationship works.) There were, and I am sure still will be, nights where I cry myself to sleep...

I went into this whole thing with my eyes wide open... I chose to do this. I also have to do my part to make it work, and part of that is being happy that she and her husband have such a great relationship that they can do stuff like that.

Now all the time I get to spend with her is magical, I love every minute of it, every second, she is just one of those amazing people who have come into my life. So I sort of live through the nights like this, knowing tomorrow night is our datenight and its going to be amazing (tomorrow will anniversary of the day I met her and her husband)

I guess you sort of have to weigh the how great is it when we are together with the how low do you get when she is with him.

Middlegirl said:

... why does your husband get to spend the night with you at a hotel and I don't.. ....because he is your husband and he is important..[B]and I'm....not?[/B] that's how this relationship works.

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Yes, I added the words in blue. But they seem a very natural conclusion, if spending the night is BECAUSE someone is important...and you're not getting to spend the night.

I personally feel that if a couple claims they can genuinely love others outside the marriage, then they need to be able to do so in a way that does not leave that person miserable, crying, and feeling that 'how the relationship works' is going to leave them continually feeling that way.

It's why I finally broke up with XBF. He made me grand promises about how poly could work. If it really can work the way he promised, then I can only conclude he and they are incapable of doing it well, but I wasn't about to spend any more time giving him all the joy and happiness and NRE and attention and admiration he wasn't getting from his wife in return for always feeling second.

Sorry for the rant, but I see a real problem with any relationship where one person is routinely miserable.

I'm not routinely misarable

I'm not miserable now, maybe overly dramatic (lol something I have never been accused of being)

she didn't get married after I met her, and I knew they were going to do this all week. I told her this morning I wanted to stay home with the boys tonight. I could be out doing whatever but I am here, and I am not unhappy about it. Maybe a little venting...