Cheating and Re-entering Poly

Sigh, I have no idea where to start, or if there is even a starting line. So I will start with SO and I first experience with someone in our relationship. It was in October of last year, after a friends wedding, where SO and I ran into a co-worker of his. She seemed really fun and interesting

Fast Forwarding--> The three of us hooked up and it started having feelings for each other, however I started to notice that her feelings for me where not the same as my feelings for her. In turn, SO and her were really into each other, but the both kept trying to reassure me that feelings were the mutual all around. When I mentioned to my SO what I had been feeling, that I felt like he was giving her more attention, I felt that the where both going to hit it off and leave me out of the loop, that I felt like I was interested in her but she didn't feel the same, the list goes on, he convinced me that it was not true.

Around Christmas time of last year, she comes to us both and tells us that she did in fact had more feelings for him, not the same feelings for me and wanted to end it so we all did. Should have been the end right? For some odd reason, I felt like it wasn't, and come to find out, SO has been seeing her, without my knowledge, while the three of us were together as well as when we called it off. Emotionally and psychically. I also found out that she did in fact have a hidden agenda to break the two f us up. I was very very hurt. But we have a one year old , and breaking it up didn't seem like the right option. I honestly to believe that he got caught up in the fantasy and the newness, but when I mentioned to him all of my feelings and some warning signs about her, I felt ignored and like he was really trying to push this relationship on me.

Now, a month ago we got into the discussion of trying poly again, and I told him flat out NO. Not because I wasn't interested, I am Bi-sexually and would love to have another female or couple enter our relationship, but because for some reason I don't trust him in that aspect, or still have this feeling that he will leave me or become less interested in me once he is with the other woman, as well as other intense emotion that I have no idea on how to deal with. I know he has even wanted to do a poly triad, but I have not idea how to deal with that. One of the reasons is that I feel like he would find someone before me and I would be stuck not having as much fun, I am not a very social person though I try and I am not very good and starting relationships or any kind

I have even talked to him about how he felt about me [when we had our poly discussion during the time that we were with the other female] with A) another couple B) another man C) another female, and he was most comfortable with me with another female but is it unfair that he can have a relation with another female, but if I found interest in another man, that I would not be able to pursue it? How would I even be able to make him comfortable with the idea if this ever occurs?

I do realize that some of these emotions are due to insecurities but I still don't know how to deal with them, or how getting into another poly relationship will effect my emotional state.

Side-note: I am currently pregnant with our second child. I love him and knows he loves me, and at the moment I know that we are not trying anything new due to raising a little girl and waiting for the arrival of our baby boy . But I know at least a year from now when He and I are about to finally break away and explore that this would come up again and I would like to know how I should deal with it?

I know this is a lot, and if it seems confusing, please let me know!
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE

I know this is probably not very helpful so sorry in advance! But dang, with a kid and baby on the way, sleepless nights, diapers, nursing, I am not sure how you find time to consider adding other people to the mix. Again, sorry, don't mean that in a bad way. It's just, I been there! You are right : putting your fam first for now and revisiting the poly dialog later when things are a bit different. Glad you could write out your situation and have a place to vent. Seems like you know that dealing with what's at the forefront is the best option.

The part about triad

When I mentioned the part about triad, I had a misunderstanding about the definition. What I mean is, he is interested in being in a relationship with another female who is not emotionally of psychically attracted to me but is still willing to have fun with me when the three of us our together. Does that make sense? Urgh lol

Blissismydivision said:

I know this is probably not very helpful so sorry in advance! But dang, with a kid and baby on the way, sleepless nights, diapers, nursing, I am not sure how you find time to consider adding other people to the mix. Again, sorry, don't mean that in a bad way. It's just, I been there! You are right : putting your fam first for now and revisiting the poly dialog later when things are a bit different. Glad you could write out your situation and have a place to vent. Seems like you know that dealing with what's at the forefront is the best option.

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I know exactly what you mean in that respect, we didn't think we could do it while we had our first one. Our daughter was 5 months old when we started the relationship with his co-worker and it was extremely easier to do, our daughter was such an easy going baby that us getting chances to go out and have fun while she was with relatives was very easy to do. So we are hoping that the second one is just as easy going as she is (not because we are eager to leave them with other's right away, but it makes it easier on mom and dad lol )

For me, personally, poly is a no-go when pregnant or newborn kiddies around unless there are relationships already established. How does he feel about you seeing other men? Or it is only a triad that you're looking for?

pinkbugbee said:

When I mentioned the part about triad, I had a misunderstanding about the definition. What I mean is, he is interested in being in a relationship with another female who is not emotionally of psychically attracted to me but is still willing to have fun with me when the three of us our together. Does that make sense? Urgh lol

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What I think you're looking for there is a lady who is "polyflexible." If that's not a term sanctioned by the League of International Polyamorists, maybe it should be.

Perhaps I'll submit it at the biannual summit. It certainly wouldn't be the first term to be given LIP service in the poly community.

Rynn said:

For me, personally, poly is a no-go when pregnant or newborn kiddies around unless there are relationships already established. How does he feel about you seeing other men? Or it is only a triad that you're looking for?

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Oh i definitly don't plan on opening any doors while pregnant. ( Background about this pregnant lady: I am a very emotional, some time mean even though I truely do not mean it, while pregnant, so my hormones pretty much rule my emotions.)

I don't think he likes the idea of me with another male at all, though it has not cross my mind much, I don't rule it out. However I don't want to feel like he can do want he wants if we did start poly and I was limited to what I want. Though I would like a triad (with another female) I feel it would be impossible to find someone who is interested in both SO and I.

You don't trust him, you and he are not on the same page so far as your intimate/sexual life is concerned (he wants only females, you want option to date other guys) and you're having ANOTHER baby with him?

Fool me once...shame on you...shame me twice?

Seriously, you guys really don't sound compatible. Maybe with a lot of therapy and counseling to get past the trust and security issues, but not as it stands now...

helieren Command

Candiedlove said:

You don't trust him, you and he are not on the same page so far as your intimate/sexual life is concerned (he wants only females, you want option to date other guys) and you're having ANOTHER baby with him?

Fool me once...shame on you...shame me twice?

Seriously, you guys really don't sound compatible. Maybe with a lot of therapy and counseling to get past the trust and security issues, but not as it stands now...

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Yes, I am having ANOTHER baby with him. I have forgiven him and love him very much. That was the very first time we have ever done anything like that and it ended badly. I understood some of what happened, ( Me going from mono to poly and feeling a little jealous, as well as him finding the newness in a different relationship.) I also said that he was MOST comfortable with me and another female, I didn't say that he ruled it out, however I wanted to make him comfortable with the idea if it came up again. Me and another guy hasn't crossed my mind much if we enter poly again however, I am not ruling it out. We are very good for each other, otherwise I would have left him right when everything happened. I am no fool. However poly is still to new to us and I wanted to figure out how to deal with it if it comes up again.

Thank you for you advice

pinkbugbee said:

Thank you for you advice

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Well...good luck. Just please don't ever expect him to change and be okay with you being with another guy. Relationships aren't about "fairness," it's about what you and he agree to. In my relationship, my partner considers it unacceptable to forbid me to be with another guy. But you can't make your guy feel differently than he does.

As for the other bit...it's natural for a woman dating both of you to develop different feelings for each. Maybe she falls for both of you. Maybe just you? Maybe just him. You kind of just have to let it fall naturally, take a deep breath, move past insecurities, and enjoy it.

Hopefully you can make this work and manage poly AND a family. It's challenging, but it's definitely doable.

Re (from Candiedlove):

"Fool me once ... shame on you ... shame me twice?"

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LOL, really? I think it goes, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Sigh.

[/hijack]

@ pinkbugbee ... consider waiting til both your kids are potty trained at least before starting a new poly relationship. Poly can be really hard to do, and babies can be really hard to take care of. Carrying a double burden will hurt your chances of practicing poly successfully.

Next, you and your SO need to have some long talks about what is/isn't acceptable in your proposed poly life together. It concerns me that he doesn't like the idea of you being with a man when that feels unfair to you.

There are some good books on poly and I would suggest you and your SO read them together. A few suggestions:

• "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
• "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.

If questions arise while you're reading the books, you can always turn to Polyamory.com for answers. Reading and posting on this forum is an important tool for expanding your knowledge base. But you'll find those books help a lot too.

Let us know how things are going.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.