Wife trying convert to polyamory

Hello. I have been in what we both called an "open marriage" for 17 years. My understanding was that it was OK to have sex outside the marriage. I thought that was how my husband believed also.
About a year ago, my best friend of 30+ years moved in because she needed a place to stay. It was fine with me for my husband to have sex with her until he told me that he fell in love with her and can not be happy without both of us.
First he acts like a puppy dog around her. Grins and glows when he hears her voice. Wants to be with her every second he can. She sleeps over about 3 days twice a month (our paydays). Second he is very defensive about her. He spends money we don't have on her.

I did not sign up for or ever imagine he would fall in love. I am so hurt but I told him I would try to be happy with this arrangement. He is asking me to change and be OK with polyamory, but he will not change and be monoamorous.

Lovehubby said:

He is asking me to change and be OK with polyamory, but he will not change and be monoamorous.

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He's not asking you to be polyamorous, but to accept him. He's accepted that you are monoamorous, has he not? Has he pushed you to be in love with someone else? Told you that you really are poly, that everyone is poly, and you just are denying it?

Also, why is it okay for him to want to just use her for sex, but no feelings? How would you feel if he treated you like that? If he were the kind of person who just wanted to use you for sex, but didn't really care about you as a person?

Let me repeat what I understand so I knew it got it. Correct me if I get anything wrong ok?

You were ok with him being polysexual, but not polyamorous.

His love struck behavior concerns you financially when he over spends on dates. Simplest thing there to me is to move to a system of house acct, his allowance, your allowance. Nobody spends out of house.... That the bills, car, mortgage, credit cards, etc. Each can spend from their allowance as they see fit even down to broke. Because then it is not affecting the household. If he spends it on CDs, books, dates, cookies, etc... Does not affect the house budget.

That is the easier behavior to fix to me. It will mean some budget changes to arrive at it, but it could be done over time.

His "moony" behavior bugs you. Is there envy... Like you miss him being moony about you and wish you had some? In his NRE lala's is he neglecting you? Oversharing? Poly hell stuff? That you guys could have to solve one thing at a time depending on which it is you are experiencing. I see you articulate discomfort, but not exactly why his moony behavior is off putting.

He wants space to enjoy his new love. You want space to be free of it. So that ultimately you both could arrive at being ok in polyship if that is the desired outcome.

I am not clear where she lives now. You mention she moved in but then sleeps over? Does that mean he fell in love when she lived here but now she lives elsewhere? Could he go sleepover at her place instead sometimes then? So he can be moony over there without you having to deal with moony? That could be a place to start.

You also could work to articulate more precisely what about the moony bugs you in his behaviors. Is it making him useless with house chores? Is he not present with you on you and him dates because he texting her on the phone? What? If you can do that then it becomes easier to think of ways to ask if he is willing to change those behaviors without triggering his defensive button.

Galagirl

Greetings Lovehubby,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from OP):

"First he acts like a puppy dog around her. Grins and glows when he hears her voice. Wants to be with her every second he can."

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Sounds like NRE to me -- New Relationship Energy. It's something that always happens when someone has recently fallen in love.

I take it you feel like he deliberately broke your agreement by falling in love ... though falling in love isn't something I think people do on purpose. It's just something that happens.

Re:

"He spends money we don't have on her."

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Technically that's a separate problem. Everyone needs to adhere to a basic budget in order to hold a house together. Sit down with him and negotiate financial matters without bringing any other issues into the conversation. Separate "necessity money" from "spending money" and divide up the spending money equally into two parts, your part and his part. If he's not willing to do that, then you may have to consider if that might be a deal breaker for you.

Tough situation. We'll try to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Lovehubby said:

Hello. I have been in what we both called an "open marriage" for 17 years. My understanding was that it was OK to have sex outside the marriage. I thought that was how my husband believed also.

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Hello Lovehubby.

I'm wondering if you both established some rules/boundaries 17 years ago that everyone concerned would have to consent and adhere to?

If not, then that's something that might need to be established.

Best.

RenaissanceMan said:

I'm wondering if you both established some rules/boundaries 17 years ago that everyone concerned would have to consent and adhere to?

If not, then that's something that might need to be established.

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Since the situation has DRASTICALLY changed since 17 years ago, I respectfully suggest that any preexisting 'rules' need to be revamped, if not discarded, and new agreements made.

Thank You for your help

GalaGirl said:

His "moony" behavior bugs you. Is there envy... Like you miss him being moony about you and wish you had some? In his NRE lala's is he neglecting you? Oversharing? Poly hell stuff? That you guys could have to solve one thing at a time depending on which it is you are experiencing. I see you articulate discomfort, but not exactly why his moony behavior is off putting.

He wants space to enjoy his new love. You want space to be free of it. So that ultimately you both could arrive at being ok in polyship if that is the desired outcome.

I am not clear where she lives now. You mention she moved in but then sleeps over? Does that mean he fell in love when she lived here but now she lives elsewhere? Could he go sleepover at her place instead sometimes then? So he can be moony over there without you having to deal with moony? That could be a place to start.

You also could work to articulate more precisely what about the moony bugs you in his behaviors. Is it making him useless with house chores? Is he not present with you on you and him dates because he texting her on the phone? What? If you can do that then it becomes easier to think of ways to ask if he is willing to change those behaviors without triggering his defensive button.

Galagirl

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There is intense envy and I do miss him being moony over me. I am defiantly in Poly hell.

She lives with her bf who does not know that my husband is in love with her. Her bf does not let her stay over much more than 3 days twice a month. My husband is not spending much time with her yet but, she has said she is going to try to be here more often.

He does spend a lot of time texting her. He also talks about her all the time. She seems to be his world. I know all of this is coming from my "poly hell" I am trying to adjust, accept, and be happy. I want my husband to be happy. I am just not sure how to get past my pain.

Could you be willing to ask him to change some of those behaviors to help make your transition a bit easier? Which ultimately benefits him too? Maybe something like...

• Could you be willing to express how you love me too? Not just her? I feel left out and miss when you used to do that about me.
  
• Could you be willing to text her (after dinner, not on dates with me) and be PRESENT with me when it is time with me? I feel ignored and taken for granted when you are distracted with the phone.
  
• Could you be willing to talk to other people about her more and not just me? Or keep a journal? I am glad you are happy, and I'm happy for you. I just feel full of near daily updates. I don't mind hearing about your new crush, but can we leave it to just (Fridays?)

Adjust the blue to be what you like best. Se if that helps any. Ask if he will read the poly hell article with you.

Galagirl

Marriage is a business

Lovehubby said:

my best friend of 30+ years moved in because she needed a place to stay. It was fine with me for my husband to have sex with her until he told me that he fell in love with her and can not be happy without both of us.
First he acts like a puppy dog around her. Grins and glows when he hears her voice. Wants to be with her every second he can. She sleeps over about 3 days twice a month (our paydays). Second he is very defensive about her. He spends money we don't have on her.
.

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So first question is she still your best friend?

Second, he has money?

So if she is still your best friend, and she was at your house, why is she someplace else now?

I find it odd that she shows up when money shows up.

Finally, for years being the Big Bad Dom I imagined myself to be, I controlled the money and everyone was broke. Forward to Japan where I finally married, got so busy I asked my wife to handle the money (everyone should have a Japanese wife, but I was luckier mine was a banker! Lol) and things were much more stable. She btw required I have a mistress (old school not the Bdsm type).

This sounds very much like the three of you should be in the same house. Money as the primary female should be in your hands. If you are not good at this, read up only about a million books and blogs on handling money and making budgets, but first rule is once money rules are made, they do not bend.

What does he need to spend money on? He needs some lessons. I grew up with money and did my best to hide that. I drove old cars, never took new gfs home, went on picnic instead of dinners in restaurants and made presents with my hands from odds and ends or natural things, talk about getting a girl to feel loved and horny, much better than a diamond in my not so very humble but extensive opinion.

Are you getting laid? Or more importantly, do you have other romantic interests? Do they get to sleep over?

Sounds like a few of these things might be things you need to add to the mix. In my experience very few women can have just sexual relationships of any duration without emotions getting involved.

Not to sound too callous, he said taking off the gloves, but shopping upmarket for another man or two, spending time away from your husband, whispering a few naughty things in his ear while you are with him and being very cool if he loses his could well wake him up a bit.

I can expand on these things at length should you wish.

But you and she need to have a financial chat at the very least.

Lovehubby said:

There is intense envy and I do miss him being moony over me. I am defiantly in Poly hell.

She lives with her bf who does not know that my husband is in love with her. Her bf does not let her stayver much more than 3 days twice a month. My husband is not spending much time with her yet but, she has said she is going to try to be here more often.

He does spend a lot of time texting her. He also talks about her all the time. She seems to be his world. I know all of this is coming from my "poly hell" I am trying to adjust, accept, and be happy. I want my husband to be happy. I am just not sure how to get past my pain.

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I would request that he not talk about her with you if it bothers you. To continue to do so is very insensitive to your feelings. You guys should have nights set aside where its your night, which includes not texting her or a certain block of time that he shuts his phone off and focuses on you. Something that weve established is that Friday and Sunday nights are for me, he cant make plans with other people during these times. We as i agreed that when he goes on dates that he goes Dutch as we can't afford to treat others.

Re (from Lovehubby):

"She lives with her boyfriend who does not know that my husband is in love with her."

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Oh dear ... I am thinking she should tell her boyfriend ... and soon.

Re:

"He does spend a lot of time texting her."

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I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to cut down on that, and not text her at all during special times set aside for just you and him to be together.

Re:

"He also talks about her all the time."

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I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to cut way down on that. Tell him you are starting to feel like chopped liver and that it would help you a lot if he would find other outlets for talking about her.

What happens next would depend on how he reacted to these requests ...