Just LR

Yes, Kevin. Maca is relatively good at being supportive and helpful, EXCEPT he has MAJOR insecurity issues and always has. Whenever he goes out of town everyone and everything is suspect, every FB post, every delayed reply to a text, every word, every minute.

GG has always been good at following instructions. So if someone gives him a direct order for an immediate action, he will do it. However, if it is something that requires his own ongoing supervision over an extended period of time-- not going to happen. If it is a matter of him figuring out what needs done-- not going to happen.

So in the past, GENERALLY I have handled everything and divvied out responsibilities on a daily basis. If I were in crisis, such as when I hurt my neck, Maca would give explicit instructions.

The change isn't in perception, it is in circumstance. I can't be the sole coordinator/organizer/boss AND do school. I changed MY role. They SAID they were completely behind the change because the long-term benefits far outweighed the immediate responsibility. However, Maca can not take on any responsibility beyond finances if he is gone. And due to GG not taking care of HIS part of the responsibilities, Maca had no choice but to take work out of town in order to cover expenses. It is a vicious downward spiral that originates with GG not holding up his end of the deal, and becomes more and more screwed by the subsequent bullshit that has been created because of that trigger, ALL of which starts with me returning to school.

But I think that going to school is important to you. Am I right?

Seems to me that this is Maca's and GG's opportunity to show that they'll support you when you really need them to. If there's a vicious circle going on, then it's up to each of the guys to stop the cycle when it gets to them -- rather than passing the problem back to the other guy. People can learn, change, and grow. Maca and GG can both learn, change, and grow. This would be an excellent time for them to do it. This is the time when you need them to step up to the plate.

What can be done (realistically speaking) to ease the financial situation? After GG moves out, can you move into a smaller house? Is that something you'd even want to do?

Going to school can be exciting but stressful and you need less, not more, stress in your life in order to be able to thrive in that academic environment. I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel.

Selling the house wouldn't net us enough at this point to be able to buy another place. I am working on paying off bills (medical and vehicle loans) and reducing ones (CC, car insurance). That will help somewhat with finances.

Unfortunately, vehicles will come into play. In Kodiak all transportation costs are covered. Here Maca has to cover his own, and it's 50 miles each way for work, at a minimum.

But we will figure it out. To be honest, yes, growing up and being supportive would be helpful. But no one can make another person do that.

It has been three years since we all agreed I was going to school to get my degree. We laid out precise plans for what responsibilities they would each take over so I could. But the BS continues.

It's been 5 years since I dropped the "poly bomb." The emotional BS continues.

Just tonight GG is posting all over my FB his lovey-dovey bullshit, not two hours after we had a serious talk AGAIN about the fact that WE are OVER.

Maca is texting me, "I saw you flirting on FB and I am going to BED."

Really? Grow the fuck up, guys.

To GG, stop trying to portray to the world that we are still a couple. ACCEPT REALITY, because until you do, you can't fix shit.

To Maca, for fuck's sake, even if I was flirting on FB, GET OVER IT! I am poly and I can do that. (It just so happens I wasn't on FB. I was watching a movie. But that's arbitrary.)

I am so SICK of the passive-aggressive guilt trips. I came out as poly AND agreed to a divorce, if that's what he wanted, blah blah blah. It has been five fucking years. GET OVER IT!!! If you can't handle seeing the TRUTH of me being ME, QUIT PRETENDING YOU LOVE ME. Because you don't. You love a fictional character that you named after me.

((hugs!))

I take it Maca's refusal/inability to get over the poly issues ties into his confrontation toward Panther. Seems like he's still trying to guilt-trip you about that aspect of yourself. (And ironically, GG is inadvertently egging him on)

What GG doesn't seem to understand is that there has to be a clean break between you and him before there can be any connection in the future. The original relationship is dead and buried. Anything in the future would have to be an entirely new relationship. Not built on the past. At least that's my perception of it. GG seems to be trying to live in the past.

Obviously this is a difficult time for you with a lot going on. I see the storm from a distance and only have a limited grasp of it, but I do sympathize.

Yes, Maca still has issues with me being poly, which is exactly why he confronted Panther, because I told Maca I wanted to change that relationship to FWBs. He got insecure and wanted to control how it went down (his words). He wants anyone I am sexually involved with to "obey" him and his expectations. He's the picture perfect example of what NYCindie rails about in couples. As far as he's concerned, unless they are willing to bow down to his authority and let him define what is or isn't allowed, they aren't trustworthy.

However, I see it differently. We have agreements of our own, and I see those as being between him and me. I don't believe he should be speaking to someone else I am considering dating about those issues. I SHOULD. Either he trusts me or he doesn't, and as far as I'm concerned, he just made it abundantly clear (again) that he doesn't.

Furthermore, because of the constant issue of changing rules to be stricter when they pertained only to me, but wanting them laxer when he was dating, we agreed two years ago that the boundaries would be negotiated at three-month intervals, NOT any other time. We spent almost three months negotiating them in the first place. We have discussed them every three months for the last two years, and he's been fine with them, UNTIL I brought up Panther. All of a sudden he wants stricter rules added. I agreed. But I won't agree to remove them again later, because it's fucking ASININE.

He thinks it's all in my head. It's not in my head. It's a double standard. Oral sex *shouldn't* require protection if HE is dating someone else. But if I am dating someone else, he wants it as a boundary. The same with anal sex. If it's HIM dating, he NEEDS that privilege. If it's ME dating, that's absolutely unacceptable.

Uh huh.

Fucking stupid.

Right about now I feel like it was a mistake to even come out to him. I feel like I've wasted five years of my life trying to be honest, forthright and considerate so that he can continue to play games with me by trying to hold me on a short leash, while simultaneously allowing himself to have long free reins.

I'm very much in a "FUCK ALL OF YOU" place today. I'm so disgusted and offended and TIRED of the double standards and the damn games.

I know I don't post much, and so it probably doesn't matter much to you, but I've been reading your story and I just wanted to empathize and say FUCK double standards and I really, really hope your situation gets better and the people you're involved with can learn to be more mature. Immaturity in grown-ass adults is one of my least favorite things. ::hugs::

Eoh, I didn't realize Maca had a double standard thing going. Sorry to hear about that.

It seems as if he can only handle *you* being poly if he can tightly control the situation. Or maybe he's trying to imply that you're not trustworthy whereas he is trustworthy which is why he should get special power and privileges?

I know you said you didn't do everything perfectly in the beginning as far as poly was concerned. But you can't have a healthy relationship without forgiveness, and I feel like Maca is withholding some of his forgiveness. He is only forgiving *part* of the way. Like you said, when it's been five years that's a long time to hold a grudge.

I just hope this eventually leads to Maca (and GG) coming to a realization that they can, and should, mature a little bit more at this time.

I'm so freaking annoyed and frustrated and exhausted by all of it. I am on the edge of buying a damn one-way plane ticket and returning to Missouri (where my mother just moved) and getting a job. I'm just SICK of being punished for shit that happened well over 5 years ago; for being taken advantage of, taken for granted and then shit on because other people won't take responsibility for their own emotions, their own behavior and their own SHIT.

I can't tell you how much I regret not taking time to avoid being in relationships with people who aren't SELF-motivated to personal growth. SO much regret and SO sick of living with it.

Do you ever just reach a point where all you can do is roll your eyes?
HOURS of bullshit.
False allegations against me (which he took back), drama-filled "I had a reason" to distrust me and Panther (which he didn't) because he "felt" insecure.
WHATEVER.

Anyway, it all culminates in apologies, and wanting to know if we can work shit out, or if I am "done with (him) the same way I am done with GG."

My response was, "THAT depends upon YOU.
Which DONE are you asking about? How far done, I suppose, is up to you. How fucking far are you going to keep dragging this shit out?
Are you going to fucking get over the past?
Accept that I am going to have sex and romance with other people?
Accept that loving you doesn't mean limiting myself to you?
Accept that loving me doesn't mean controlling me?
Accept that being with me doesn't mean you get to control my OTHER relationships?
Or is this drama is going to repeat AGAIN the next time I am taking a new lover?

I am sick of being treated like I did something wrong when I wanted another lover. I expect anyone I fuck to be respectful of you AND US. I have proven I don't allow ANYONE to fucking play games, try to take me away from you, or disrespect my commitments to you. I don't let anyone con me into giving in and acting like a SINGLE whore. I don't ever prioritize any other relationships of any kind OVER ours.

So what the fuck more do you want?

I am NOT EVER GOING TO BE HAPPY IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE EVER. I DO NOT WANT IT. NOT EVER.

Either you accept me for who I am, or it doesn't matter what I want, because if you can't, then it doesn't matter if I want to or not, because it won't be fixable! If you are never going to be ok with non-monogamy FOR REAL, then NOTHING I DO is going to make this work.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I want to be with you IF you can accept me completely AND trust me AND respect me? Yes.
Do I want to continue to be treated like my desire to have multiple relationships is wrong? No."

AND THEN, he pulls THIS out of his ass:

"There hasn't been what seemed like the proper time to say anything, but, you brought up honesty, even brutal honesty. And I just don't know what to do. I talked to some ppl on OKC. Haven't met up. Was going to do that with you, but don't know if that will ever happen. And I talked to B recently. Not in regards to talking about you, or even about her and me, just checking up on how I was doing."

(That would be the 24-yo drama queen whom he lied to me about before.)

Yeah, I just rolled my eyes. I WANTED to say, "Yeah, so I get it now. Since YOU have been lying and sneaking around behind my back, it made sense to you to attack me for SUPPOSEDLY doing the same, because OMG, why would I ACTUALLY be honest and forthright?"

Fucking WOW.

LovingRadiance said:

I WANTED to say "Yeah, so I get it now. Since YOU have been lying and sneaking around behind my back, it made sense to you to attack me for SUPPOSEDLY doing the same..."

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Not sure I wouldn't have said that in your situation. Yes, I have gotten to the place where I can roll my eyes, BUT I will not stand for false accusations. Sometimes I worry that I can roll my eyes at stuff and wonder why I'm not more bothered by it.

I didn't say it. I did say he is being completely psychotic, needs to get to the therapist, and if he doesn't arrange to come home asap I will go to his boss.

Re (from LovingRadiance):

"False allegations against me (which he took back), drama-filled 'I had a reason' to distrust me and Panther (which he didn't) because he 'felt' insecure."

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You mean his Spidey-sense was tingling? Eyeroll indeed. Sounds to me more like he had an opportunity to penalize you (again) for your sins of the past, and snatched up the opportunity.

Re:

"Anyway -- it all culminates to apologies and wanting to know if we can work shit out or if I am 'done with [him] the same way I am done with GG.'"

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And let me guess: These apologies took the form of, "I didn't do anything wrong, but I apologize."

So he has been a leedle dishonest in his own time -- and projected that dishonesty onto you. Sounds like he needs to spend a buck and buy a clue ...

Hugs, LR.

I can commiserate until the cows come home about double-standards and projecting. For lack of a better phrase, it sucks donkey balls.

It seems that at times like this, the emotions just feed more emotions in other situations. When it rains, it pours. Maybe a visit to mom isn't such a bad idea, just to get away from the mess and clear your head for a while? (Not sure how this impacts school, the kids, etc., though)

Ironically I got a call from my mom yesterday saying she may be flying up this week.

Yesterday I got to see SplitPea for the first time in 3 years 10 months. He's 17 now. As soon as I got there he came running out and into my arms. I missed that boy. On my drive home, the anger and resentment of him being taken away hit full force. But it can't overpower my happiness at seeing him again.

Today Maca was loaded on a little four-seater plane and flown to somewhere more remote than Kodiak. I don't know when I will hear from him again. He has no idea if there will be cell service or not.

His depression is dangerously out of control. His anxiety is bordering on a psychotic break. He is being irrational and illogical. I feel like throwing up thinking about it. His coworkers have noticed. But everyone is "just doing their job."

I wasn't at all joking when I said I am concerned that they will end up sending my husband home in a coffin. He needs to be seeing his doctor, not going somewhere he can't get any medical care at all.

The plane lands in the ocean and drops them. He won't be back for four days, weather permitting. This is fucking NOT the job for someone who should probably be under suicide watch, and is possibly having additional issues with blood pressure on account of his ongoing emotional state.

Sounds like a ruthless job.

Kevin, right now I'm pissed off about the job. I just can't say anything else about it. When your job is a higher priority than your physical and mental health, what is the point of anyone being emotionally connected to you? It pisses me off beyond words.

So, he is volunteering to meet this job's extra demands? Does he know it's taking a toll on his physical and mental health?

Him coming home in a coffin is a scary thought.

Yes, he knows.

Last night one of my kiddos lost another friend to suicide.

And today Spicy Pea has been having contractions three minutes apart all day. The doctor has her waiting one more hour and if they don't stop she goes to the hospital. Due to the hole in her cervix, they don't want her in labor at all, because the risk of her bleeding out is too high. This early isn't good anyway. (She's due mid-January). But with the additional risk to HER life, in addition to the baby... shit is tense.