When he brings his partners home for the night

I'm having an issue dealing with my partner bringing home his other partners and it's causing a huge strain on our relationship.

Background: I met him when he was married. He and his wife had been together for 15+ years and had recently gone from an open marriage to poly. She had very strong restrictions on him (he was never allowed to spend the night) and eventually decided she wanted to go back to being monogamous. He loved me and was definitely poly so he ended the marriage and he moved in with me.

We've been living together for about a year now. At first I had a problem with him bringing partners back to our one bedroom. I'm very protective of my personal space and hated the idea of someone else having sex in my bed and room hours before I was going to sleep in it.

When we moved we made a point to get two bedrooms to avoid this problem. Apparently though it was only half the issue. The first time he brought someone home while I was here I spent the whole night in my room sobbing. It turns out that while I have no problem with him being with other partners, I have a huge problem with being home when it happens. The apartment isn't very big and so I can still hear most of what's going on and it just kills me. Even when I can't, the knowledge that they're right there eats away at me.

I realize that the obvious answer to this is to leave when he has a date, but sometimes it isn't an option. Tonight for example he made plans to meet someone for a first date that they both knew would end up in sex. They're going to be home soon and I have no where to go as it's a work night and I need to go to sleep. Him playing music isn't an option since if it's loud enough to drown everything out it's too loud to be playing late at night in an apartment building. They've just come home and are in his room and I can't stop crying.

To make matters worse, he has plans to bring another woman home tomorrow night, and he has a fwb coming over on saturday afternoon. While I can make plans to not be here both of those times, it makes me feel just as bad to feel like my weekend has been planned for me since I'm spending it accommodating his dating life.

I'm fully aware that some of this has to do with my own insecurities and I'm completely willing to take responsibility for having to work that out on my own. I try very hard to be accommodating to him, especially because his ex was so restrictive. But I just can't get over this hurdle.

I've tried talking to him about it but his knee jerk reaction is to get defensive and feel as though he's being attacked. I feel like he's not listening to me and it just goes around in circles with no resolution. He wants the freedom to date and have his partners here after nights out and I want the respect of him taking my feelings into consideration when planning these since he knows how difficult it is for me. I want to get better, I want for him to be able to have an orgy in his room if he wants and I can just chill in the living room with a movie but I don't know how to get from here to there. The more this happens the less I feel like he understands or cares where I'm coming from.

Has anyone had these experiences? Does anyone have any advice for getting over this issue so that the fighting and anger on both sides don't destroy what's an otherwise awesome relationship?

I recently went through this when nate had a booty call in our room. I was with my boyfriend at the time so at least I didn't have to be present for it but it still bothered me nevertheless. Normally he goes to his fuck buddy's houses but this particular one has a rule that she can't bring men into her home so they had no choice and telling nate she couldn't come over would have caused a huge fight.

Could you move out and he can come spend time with you at your place? I don't think I'd be ok with a revolving door of women in my home. Im very territorial

You've started this with expectations clear. He doesn't want to treat these women as less than you, though they most probably get much less time and commitment.

He chose to be poly with you, over mono with her. He didn't leave her for you; he left her because he had to choose one, and with you, he could still be himself and poly.

It's hard sometimes for the women to have him come to them, depending on how open you are. Hotels are expensive and make many women feel cheap. Would you mind if he stayed with them and was open with whoever they lived with about him being poly?

@inyourendo - if I moved out it would be equivalent to breaking up. When we moved out of my old place it was as a couple moving somewhere together. And everything else about being together here is fine. I don't mind him bringing women home, and I want to be ok with being here when he does.

@candiedlove - I've never been under some delusion that he left his wife for me and we're going to live some part time poly life together. The clear expectations in this relationship have been trust, flexibility, openness and respect. By going along with this even though it hurts me I think I'm demonstrating my efforts to do this. My issues are mostly that he tends to completely disregard my feelings and any attempt at conversation leads to arguments.

I want to learn how to get over this so that we can have a completely flexible attitude at home. I have absolutely no issue with him going to other women's places for the night, or women coming here when I'm not home.

I should also mention that there have been instances in the past when he's felt uncomfortable with me having someone over even when he's already out and I've respected that.

Brixbrak said:

By going along with this even though it hurts me I think I'm demonstrating my efforts to do this

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I've always believed that a healthy relationship is about mutually giving each other what they want, not mutually denying. It's problematic that he had trouble accepting you bringing dates over...but the way to deal with that is not to give in to his insecurities, anymore than he should be dealing with this by giving in to yours. It's completely unfair to the other people you're using as pawns and doesn't address the real issues.

Mutually denying each other something to "prove" your love and commitment is a bad cycle to get into....

Why are you the only one who has to make plans to be somewhere else? It's your house too right? You guys need to sit down and make a schedule. If he has the 'right' to have people over then you have the 'right' to have the house to yourself every now and then, especially on nights where you have to go to sleep because you have to work the next day.

Why can he never go to the house of the women he dates? Maybe they have boyfriends who put their foot down more than you. They are getting a good night's sleep...

It just sounds very disrespectful to me and in my mind, has not much to do with insecurities. If you live with someone you want them to be comfortable. You don't start listening to loud music when your partner wants to sleep, you don't have loud sex with someone else when your partner wants to sleep!

Cleo said:

It just sounds very disrespectful to me and in my mind, has not much to do with insecurities. If you live with someone you want them to be comfortable. You don't start listening to loud music when your partner wants to sleep, you don't have loud sex with someone else when your partner wants to sleep!

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You can't spend time with a woman without having loud sex? If I were a woman he was dating, I would just want to be able to come over and sleep with him. And I'm capable of being quiet and intimate...I mean, I've lived with roommates before. They were able to do the same. It's not hard.

Is the issue here about them having loud sex? Or about him having guests over?

Well I guess having a schedule in place where certain nights are for you and certain nights he cannot have guests over. I think thats a fair solution. Maybe having a partner over when having people over when he has people over will make it easier.

So your bf wants to bring home a different woman like, every friggin night? I'd put my foot down. Being poly means loving more than one. It doesn't mean you need to suck it up and not get a good night's sleep because your bf and his shagging partner can't be quiet. It doesn't mean he gets to bring a noisy sex partner home on a weeknight whenever he wants.

Common decency and respect for your needs for privacy and sleep should be in the mix. I'd feel weird too if my gf was bringing home a different partner every night!

Some people aren't really polyamorous. They diss their longterm partner just to get their NRE hit and excitement of sex with new people. This is not love, its just using you for stability while he pursues his real agenda of being a NRE junkie.

Thank you for all your input. To be fair, this is normally a once in awhile thing. He's generally very good at going to their place and the three in a row is uncommon.

In terms of the noise being an issue, that can be part of it but even when they're relatively quiet I still feel the anxiety and negativity. I was up for hours last night even after she'd left and he'd fallen asleep (in his room as it was very clear I didn't want to see him).

This is more the issue I want to deal with. For the most part he goes somewhere else or I leave and feel resentful about it. I want to be able to leave without feeling like I'm being pushed out, or go to bed without the sadness and anger. Today I'm exhausted and there's so much tension between us because we can't discuss it without emotions getting in the way and turning it into a fight. I don't feel it's fair to either of us.

Having someone over at the same time is a good idea. I've been assuming this is something I'll get used to with practice, the same as learning to deal with jealousy or scheduling in poly. In my experience it just takes time and you learn how as you go. This just doesn't seem to be going that way. Do some people just never acclimate to certain aspects of poly? Should we just accept that I can't do this and I have to go through this now and then, or are there ways to make it better?

It took me a long time to get used to nate have fuck buddies. It was one thing when we were having group sex or swaps but when he would leave and go somewhere solo I remember just laying there seething. The longer he was gone the more furious and sick to my stomach I became. Even several months he accidentally fell asleep somewhere when I had been expecting him to come home and I was pretty hot about it.

It's hard to wrap my head around it because it just seemed involuntary almost. My head told me I had no reason to be upset but I still was. I seemed to have gotten over that, he has several sex partners and I don't feel any issue with him seeing them except this new one because I thought they might get more serious. Not that there is anything wrong with that but every new change that comes up solicits a new response until I get used to that.

Just like when I got a boyfriend after not having any other sex partners for 2.5 years, nate had a hard time with it. He knows he'd rather me have one committed partner instead of several fuck buddies like him but he still had feelings about it. Thankfully time seems to make things easier. Just like if Nate spent the night somewhere else now I would be fine with it.

I am sorry you struggle. Blue is mine.

This is more the issue I want to deal with. For the most part he goes somewhere else or I leave and feel resentful about it.(is it easier on you if he goes somewhere else?)

I want to be able to leave without feeling like I'm being pushed out, or go to bed without the sadness and anger. (What do you think when you leave or go to bed?To me you sound upset he is being inconsiderate with noise. He is. Feeling ugh is appropriate in that case. His behavior is affecting your sleep!)

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You seem to be seeking something you can do alone to get over this. Like your feelings are wrong somehow. I think it is appropriate to feel yucky when you have a fresh roomie. Nobody I know goes "Yay! I have a fresh roomie! So fun!"

You seem to think it is a poly layer problem. To me it is a fresh roomie layer problem:

• Bringing guests over a lot with few breaks in between
• Making noise that is disturbing your sleep on a work night
• Not wanting to own his fresh roomie behavior when you bring it to his attention.

The solution is not you (getting used to fresh.) It is (ending the fresh!)

• For now you could get ear plugs at the drugstore for short term help on the noise. You can do that today for yourself.
  
• For medium solution you could ask him to dial down the frequency, and the noise. Adjust his behavior so it affects your sleep less. It is the reality of living in an apartment with thin walls.
  • If he is willing to adjust his behaviors? The longer term solution may be you guys seeking a split floor plan where the bedrooms are on opposite sides of the layout. Make it easier on you both in the next lease.
  • If he is not willing to change his behaviors? Maybe you move out to not have to deal with his bad roomie habits. Date him from there, or do not date him from there -- the roomie part of it is solved.

You guys could talk this out. Since he sounds quick to get defensive, keep it on the concrete roomie level. Behavior done/not done. Noise, sleep on work nights, a schedule so you get to have the flat how you like on your days (alone or with guests) and he gets to have it how he likes (alone or with guests) on his days. That is fair, reasonable, and totally in the land of "roomie stuff."

Today I'm exhausted and there's so much tension between us because we can't discuss it without emotions getting in the way and turning it into a fight. I don't feel it's fair to either of us.(how do you guys handle conflict resolution?)

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This part seems to be about the HOW of communicating.

Get some rest first. Do not go into talks when HALT. (hungry, angry/anxious, tired.) Make a date to talk later down on the calendar.

When you do talk? Take time outs if tempers flare. Wait 20-30 min before continuing to see if it passes. If it is going HALT? Table it and set a date to reconvene.

Maybe talk over email or by letter than than verbal. That also helps keep the emotions down.

Could skip the feelings for now. I know you feel them, and I see he where he is being inconsiderate. But if he is prone to making it be about (your feelings being your problem) rather than (him owning his behavior?) Or feelings get in the way of constructive conversation?

Can always talk about feelings some other day. Just skip any feelings talk in the first discussion in order to keep the focus on the behaviors that you would like to request he change:

• Could you be willing to make a schedule for each of us to use the flat how we like -- alone or with guests? I have not gotten a chance in the last few week to have the flat how I like it. I would be willing to take turns.
• Could you be willing to tone down the noise when you do have guests over? I have gotten ear plugs to help on my side of the wall, but on your side of the wall it would also help to lower it down some. We live in a flat with thin walls, and I would like better sleep on work nights.

There is nothing emotional in those. Totally reasonable roomie requests.


Once that is solved? On the poly layer?

Is it that he is more polysexual where you are more polyamorous? And living together is bringing that to light fast? You haven't been living together very long -- just a year.

Galagirl

I am floored that, in this thread, there are reports of men who seem like absolute Casanovas; getting laid with an ease I can't fathom. Who are these men and what is their secret? Seriously, I am attractive, educated and gregarious and I've been looking for playmates for about a year now, with just about zero luck. I find women who are interested, but as soon as they find out I'm in a committed open relationship, they bail.

Anyway, on to the point at hand; sounds like your man is giving you a double standard with you having guests over. That's not cool.

Also sounds like he's pretty inconsiderate of your feelings. Also not cool.

You guys need to talk.

One solution for you might be to find someone you can be with on the regular; i.e. someone who is available to be with you when your guy is bringing girls home. This isn't a permanent fix, just a band aid until you guys can establish a little more trust and consideration.

veradico said:

I am floored that, in this thread, there are reports of men who seem like absolute Casanovas; getting laid with an ease I can't fathom. Who are these men and what is their secret? Seriously, I am attractive, educated and gregarious and I've been looking for playmates for about a year now, with just about zero luck. I find women who are interested, but as soon as they find out I'm in a committed open relationship, they bail.

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Nate spends a lot of time getting to know people and later a flirtation developes. He rarely approaches people with the intention to fool around with them. Also the majority of the women he's fooled around with are women that are lonely, they aren't very attractive, they are insecure and often have been hurt by men. Nate is kind of a lover, he isn't picky about looks and he makes these women feel good.

If he was going after young, attractive, sought after women I doubt he'd be very successful

Inyourendo said:

Nate spends a lot of time getting to know people and later a flirtation developes. He rarely approaches people with the intention to fool around with them. Also the majority of the women he's fooled around with are women that are lonely, they aren't very attractive, they are insecure and often have been hurt by men. Nate is kind of a lover, he isn't picky about looks and he makes these women feel good.

If he was going after young, attractive, sought after women I doubt he'd be very successful

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I wish I could be that way. I am too picky, I guess. But I figure, why settle? It's not about getting laid, right? It's about finding someone with whom I am compatible and, as much as I hate to say it, looks matter to me. I have faith that I'll come across the right women, eventually.

Does that make me shallow?! Ha!

Im very picky as well. I have a laundry list and won't settle for less, I waited for so long for sam to come into my life, and he's just as picky as me. . I think Nate just has a hero complex lol.

It is very interesting to me that for many people it is normal to have lovers over to the house you share with your partner, when partner is also there. To me this is NOT a normal aspect of (my) poly life and it never will be. My husband and I have very few restrictions and boundaries when it comes to our other relationships. But I have LOTS of restrictions and boundaries when it comes to my house, which is my safe place.

I would have major issues if husband brought friends over for dinner 3 nights in a row without discussing it with me. But I would have no issues at all with him going out 3 nights in a row to spend time with others. His time is his to spend as he pleases. The house we share, how we use that, we discuss and negotiate.

So OP, don't look to others to figure out what is normal. There's zillions of ways of 'doing' poly and there isn't really a right way (in my opinion). Find out what works best for you and discuss that with your partner.

Cleo said:

It is very interesting to me that for many people it is normal to have lovers over to the house you share with your partner, when partner is also there. To me this is NOT a normal aspect of (my) poly life and it never will be. My husband and I have very few restrictions and boundaries when it comes to our other relationships. But I have LOTS of restrictions and boundaries when it comes to my house, which is my safe place.

I would have major issues if husband brought friends over for dinner 3 nights in a row without discussing it with me. But I would have no issues at all with him going out 3 nights in a row to spend time with others. His time is his to spend as he pleases. The house we share, how we use that, we discuss and negotiate.

So OP, don't look to others to figure out what is normal. There's zillions of ways of 'doing' poly and there isn't really a right way (in my opinion). Find out what works best for you and discuss that with your partner.

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I personally would never be comfortable going into another woman's home. I've never dated a man with a live in partner

There is nothing wrong with saying to your boyfriend. I need MY home to be a safe zone for me. I am sorry but I do not want you having sex other partners in my home.

Murf used to come and spend the night at the house I share with Butch on occasion. It bothered him like it bothers you. Guess what Murf no longer spends the night. Butch has the right to request a safe place.

Your boyfriends partners need to host... Or he or she needs to shell out some cash for a hotel.

Re (from Brixbrak):

"If I moved out it would be equivalent to breaking up."

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Really? That's how it has to be?

It's great that you want to achieve a zen state of mind around the dates he brings home, but I think the amount of trauma you're enduring for the sake of that goal is excessive. People live in separate domiciles all the time without breaking up. You could live somewhere closeby. I'm sorry that you feel you can't even consider that option.

There are links you can go to where you can read about jealousy and how to deal with it, and I can give you a list if you're interested. But the bottom line may be that it's simply going to take a long time (and a lot of ordeals) for you to reach the zen state you desire. And I can't guarantee that one lifetime is long enough to get there.

That aside, you and he could use some training in how to negotiate solutions to problems without fighting about it. If you're not seeing a (poly-friendly) counselor together, I suggest you start. Also google "NVC" and see what you can find out about non-violent communication.

The solution could be as simple as agreeing to keep a calendar together. Marking on the calendar which days are okay for him to bring someone over, and which days are not.

I can't think of much else to suggest at the moment.