Tried Poly...GF Freaked Out and Ended Relationship

seeker2020 said:
Lesson learned: make a deep assessment of your partner's intensions. If there is slight hint of lack of authenticity, better not give Poly a try and/or wait until later.
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Here in this forum, and also in books about poly relationships, honesty and openness about feelings is something very remarked because quite simply you can't expect the partner to read your mind, even more so when you're reaching the boundaries of what each considers acceptable or significantly undermining.

That's something I've been practicing more often lately with my main partner. He knew I wanted a poly relationship when we started some years ago, but only now is he understanding the full consequences, that I might want to love / have sex with someone he doesn't like or he's jealous about, or he's feeling insecure about our relationship. So I'm letting him know more than ever that I love him and he's special to me, and I often ask him 'How do you feel?'. 'How do you feel' expecting an honest reply. He feels he wants to be with me and he'll go through the trouble of getting fully accustomed to an open relationship. But if at any point he's feeling down or has doubts, I'll spend time with him or talk with him if needed.

There is little chance of making a deep assessment of your partner's intentions if they're not being honest / don't see the importance of being honest about something as touchy as this subject.
 
I want to add my support to the voices telling you that it isn't your responsibility to read her mind. It is unfortunate that she decided to be dishonest with you in order to test you, but that isn't something you could or should have predicted necessarily (unless she had a pattern of this type of game). It is her responsibility as a person and as an adult to communicate her wishes and desires to you.

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time and I hope that your healing is going well.
 
I think there's a faulty meme that's been passed down through the generations (starting with the Romantic Era I suppose, 19th century) that true love is so indescribably perfect and sublime that two soulmates will know each other's thoughts. Hence, "If you *really* loved me, you'd have known that I meant something other than what I said." The truth is rather mundane in comparison. Humans are rather piss-poor at mind-reading; they even filter language through their own (mistrust and) fallacies. One usually has to find a way to be extraordinarily clear and direct if one wishes to be understood. So giving veiled/coded messages almost guarantees that the recipient won't in a million years know what your real message was. And when you're talking about as big of a deal as a polyamorous issue, you especially need to say exactly what you mean.

I suppose you can get into a habit of double-checking: "Are you sure that's what you meant? You said (x), but did you maybe mean (y) instead?" The problem with that, though, is you might hurt the other person's feelings if they were being totally honest with you.

An alternative approach might be to say, "It sounds like you're saying (x) [repeating (x) in your own words]. Is that right?" This gives the person who stated (x) a chance to come clean if they didn't *quite* mean (x) ... and if they did mean (x), it gives them a chance to feel reassured that you're carefully listening to them. You're essentially confirming what they said without implying that they might be fibbing. They remain 100% for admitting it to you then if they were fibbing. But I think that in order for relationships to work, we have to start with the assumption that we can believe what the other person says. We can be cautious in certain ways, but I wouldn't want to (have to) be cautious in such a way as to make the other person feel like I didn't believe them.
 
bookbug said:
This statement brought home to me again the dynamics in my own failed triad. I tried very hard to go back and analyze everything to see if I'd missed something that could have avoided all the pain and grief. In other words, I too, tried to take full responsibility (as did the wife's husband - the Philosopher mentioned in my signature). But analysis after analysis revealed that my primary mistake was in believing the wife as she laid out what a wonderful life we would have as three. There was no way I could have predicted she would do a complete 180. No hint. No clue.

Later when called on it. Instead of saying something like: I thought I could do it, but I can't, I'm sorry; she instead would say things like, you took that seriously? I was just playing around, or I was drunk. Riiight. She encouraged our triad for weeks, and I can attest to the fact that she was not drunk for weeks on end. In other words, she took no responsibility whatsoever.
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Wow, that woman's sense of reality was quite contaminated. Lots of manipulation, power control dynamics and way too much deception. So sorry you went through that hell....

mischa said:
Here in this forum, and also in books about poly relationships, honesty and openness about feelings is something very remarked because quite simply you can't expect the partner to read your mind, even more so when you're reaching the boundaries of what each considers acceptable or significantly undermining.

There is little chance of making a deep assessment of your partner's intentions if they're not being honest / don't see the importance of being honest about something as touchy as this subject.
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It seems like deep honesty is very difficult for some people to achieve. I really wish my ex-GF would have said what she really had in her heart.....

MusicalRose said:
I want to add my support to the voices telling you that it isn't your responsibility to read her mind. It is unfortunate that she decided to be dishonest with you in order to test you, but that isn't something you could or should have predicted necessarily (unless she had a pattern of this type of game). It is her responsibility as a person and as an adult to communicate her wishes and desires to you.

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time and I hope that your healing is going well.
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Thanks. I am beginning to take baby steps into healing. Therapy is going well, and the books I am reading are helping a lot. This process sucks, and I am hurting. But in the midst of everything I am hopeful...


kdt26417 said:
I think there's a faulty meme that's been passed down through the generations (starting with the Romantic Era I suppose, 19th century) that true love is so indescribably perfect and sublime that two soulmates will know each other's thoughts. Hence, "If you *really* loved me, you'd have known that I meant something other than what I said." The truth is rather mundane in comparison. Humans are rather piss-poor at mind-reading; they even filter language through their own (mistrust and) fallacies. One usually has to find a way to be extraordinarily clear and direct if one wishes to be understood. So giving veiled/coded messages almost guarantees that the recipient won't in a million years know what your real message was. And when you're talking about as big of a deal as a polyamorous issue, you especially need to say exactly what you mean.

I suppose you can get into a habit of double-checking: "Are you sure that's what you meant? You said (x), but did you maybe mean (y) instead?" The problem with that, though, is you might hurt the other person's feelings if they were being totally honest with you.

An alternative approach might be to say, "It sounds like you're saying (x) [repeating (x) in your own words]. Is that right?" This gives the person who stated (x) a chance to come clean if they didn't *quite* mean (x) ... and if they did mean (x), it gives them a chance to feel reassured that you're carefully listening to them. You're essentially confirming what they said without implying that they might be fibbing. They remain 100% for admitting it to you then if they were fibbing. But I think that in order for relationships to work, we have to start with the assumption that we can believe what the other person says. We can be cautious in certain ways, but I wouldn't want to (have to) be cautious in such a way as to make the other person feel like I didn't believe them.
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That's interesting! YOu are so right. Where have you gotten you wisdom from? It seems like you have a good handle on human behavior. Are you a therapist by the way?
 
:eek: Heh, not a therapist, though if I was I could say my rates were great and came with a money-back guarantee. :) Which reminds me, where I said, "They remain 100% for admitting it to you then if they were fibbing," I was supposed to say, "They remain 100% *responsible* for admitting it to you then if they were fibbing." Smart therapists don't goof up their posts like that. ;)

When I do manage to spew out a little wisdom, I credit the wisdom I've read in other people's poly forum posts over the years. And I like to think I've learned a little from the many mistakes I've made over the years (both pre- and post-poly).

But yeah, I do believe that the right opening move in any relationship or conversation is to work from the assumption that the other person is being honorable and telling the truth. Then if they're not telling the truth, that's their bad and they were the only ones who were enabling it.
 
So I've been doing some self-care lately. Found a good counselor which is helping me tremendously.

I also joined a local poly group. Awesome people, great community, great source of support and knowledge.

Quite frankly...wish I could have joined a poly group before I ever tried poly. It would have been great for my and my now ex-GF to interact with other people that have tons and tons of experience with different ways of doing relationships.
 
I hate it when hindsight is 20/20. :)

Sounds like you are taking some great steps in life. I'm glad to hear that. Keep us posted!
 
kdt26417 said:
I hate it when hindsight is 20/20. :)

Sounds like you are taking some great steps in life. I'm glad to hear that. Keep us posted!
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So true!

Oh well...now I know a little better:)
 
kdt26417 said:
I think there's a faulty meme that's been passed down through the generations (starting with the Romantic Era I suppose, 19th century) that true love is so indescribably perfect and sublime that two soulmates will know each other's thoughts. Hence, "If you *really* loved me, you'd have known that I meant something other than what I said." The truth is rather mundane in comparison. Humans are rather piss-poor at mind-reading; they even filter language through their own (mistrust and) fallacies. One usually has to find a way to be extraordinarily clear and direct if one wishes to be understood. So giving veiled/coded messages almost guarantees that the recipient won't in a million years know what your real message was. And when you're talking about as big of a deal as a polyamorous issue, you especially need to say exactly what you mean.
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This reminds me of a recent issue I had with a guy I've been chatting with from OK Cupid.

He and I had been chatting since June, so, about 3 months, on and off. He lives 150 miles away, and we'd planned to meet in in September.

So, he was raised Christian, rebelled and went pagan for some time, but is now a Christian again, altho, to hear him tell it, a very liberal Christian. In both our profiles we call ourselves interested in mythology.

So, recently I was telling him about my ideas about the roots of Christianity, and how, if I am interested in Christianity at all, I prefer the Gnostic, so-called heretical flavor. Thinking, since he was a former pagan and now a liberal Christian, he would be interested and it would lead to a cool exchange of personal views about Christianity and Greek Paganism, and their intersection.

As I was explaining what this meant to me, he responded with "cool... interesting... *smilie face.*"

Then suddenly he stopped responding at all. 10 minutes later he came back and ripped me a new asshole for expressing my ideas, which he found inappropriate and offensive. When I told him I thought he was interested because of his positive responses, he came back with, "I was basically doing the online chat equivalent of politely smiling and nodding, hoping you'd notice and realize the conversation was going in ways that weren't working for me. I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough of you. This definitely isn't going to work out. Best of luck to you!"

Oh my freeking god. Passive aggression is so not my cup of tea. "Hoping I'd notice" what he was really feeling (offended and in disagreement) while he was telling me my views were cool and interesting? :eek: :rolleyes:
 
If I even see Christianity in the Religion section that person is automatically passed over.
Some people don't have Religion listed and most of the time it turns out it's because they are Christian and didn't want to be looked over because of it. From my experience the sleepers are the worst type.
Ongoing bs from Christians trying to legislate the bible has already colored my view of all militant/zealous religious people. That suspicion and disrespect has been earned quite well for over a decade.
I read a profile before I go down the Details list. I see Christian and it's automatic for me to think "what a shame". Most people think that's harsh but I don't care.
 
Re (from Magdlyn):
"When I told him I thought he was interested because of his positive responses, he came back with, 'I was basically doing the online chat equivalent of politely smiling and nodding, hoping you'd notice and realize the conversation was going in ways that weren't working for me.'"
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Basically dodging his own responsibility for his own duplicity. "Sorry, but if you still can't read my mind, then you're obviously not a good match for me. Good-bye!" The games people play.

I suspect that a lot of Christian people feel threatened by the increasing amount of atheists and liberals in our society. It's inspiring those Christians to get nasty, huffish, defensive, wrathful, etc.

I guess atheism and liberalism are diseases that said Christians are afraid they'll catch. Today's world must seem to them like the zombie apocalypse.
 
So annoying! We are a 99% match on OKC too, so you'd think he wouldn't have dumped me just because I have a different take on a certain mythology stemming from the first centuries AD.

Oh well, sorry to hijack the thread.
 
Memorandum said:
If I even see Christianity in the Religion section that person is automatically passed over.
Some people don't have Religion listed and most of the time it turns out it's because they are Christian and didn't want to be looked over because of it. From my experience the sleepers are the worst type.
Ongoing bs from Christians trying to legislate the bible has already colored my view of all militant/zealous religious people. That suspicion and disrespect has been earned quite well for over a decade.
I read a profile before I go down the Details list. I see Christian and it's automatic for me to think "what a shame". Most people think that's harsh but I don't care.
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It is good to know what your deal-breakers are and to honor them.

When Xicot and I were starting to date, I said, "I know you are not a Christian, and that is fine with me-- my last long-term boyfriend was not either. I am not going to try to convert you. But if my being Christian is a problem for you, or if you are going to ask me at some point to choose between having religious faith and practice and having a relationship with you, please tell me now so I do not get too attached to you."

We work because we respect each other's positions. That previous long-term relationship didn't work, because when he told me he can't respect someone who believes something so ridiculous, I told him, "I can't date someone who's only able to respect me when he agrees with me."
 
Magdlyn said:
So annoying! We are a 99% match on OKC too, so you'd think he wouldn't have dumped me just because I have a different take on a certain mythology stemming from the first centuries AD.

Oh well, sorry to hijack the thread.
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Thread hijack is welcome:D

What that person did to you evoked strong feelings within me. Some people are just so unaware of their dishonesty and lack of integrity. Did he expect that you would suddenly develop super powers to know what was going on in his mind?

Unbelievable....:mad:
 
My best friend, the Philosopher, likes to point out how often people describe themselves as open-minded - oh except those one or two major things that are sacrosanct. Oh, so not reeeeally open-minded are we?

A lot people say don't talk religion and politics. I say as long as I approach those topics respectfully, any anger garnered by simple disagreement is a huge flag telling me not to let that person into my life.

I need to be able to discuss ANYTHING without fear of reprisal with my friends and lovers.
 
Yeah, I found it so hypocritical. He can't even approach the idea that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married? I mean, a few years back it was all the rage to entertain that idea, what with the huge popularity of the Da Vinci Code book and movie. It's also a feminist idea, and he claims to be a feminist.

And, he loves sex, he says, and has (unmarried) sex himself with various gfs, even claims to be genderqueer and bi-curious. Yet, his Jesus must be celibate. Uh huh.

I love to talk about religion and mythology, so if a potential partner is going to get their panties all in a twist to hear my viewpoints, it just isn't going to work out.
 
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