Daenerys
New member
Hi! I’m in a terrible place right now and I would love to get some pointers. Here’s my story (short summary at the bottom):
I identify as poly and I’ve had a happy polyamorous relationship in the past (that ended because of other traumatic issues). I’ve been alone for five years before I started a new relationship with A, who was not comfortable with polyamory, but was not opposed to the idea, so we had a few conversations where I told him what being poly is about and how it worked for me. I gave him my copy of The Ethical Slut and he skimmed a few pages but never really read it. We had an agreement that I would not pursue any other romantic interests for the time being, and I was ok with that. I also said that if he felt like exploring polyamory for himself, I would be open about that as long as he was honest with me and told me about everything. We’ve been together for more than a year in what I experienced as a meaningful, committed relationship, which became more and more important to me, even though we had our issues.
And now A cheated on me. He was away working at a kids’ summer camp for a month during which he openly started a relationship with another woman, K, without telling me. And there are so many painful details that really get to me: Last year I had visited him at said camp and we spent some of our most wonderful days together. This year he was reluctant about my visiting and was going back and forth between yes and no, which was already very hurtful. When he finally made the decision that I shouldn’t visit (he was already at the camp), he told me quite coldly, which was hard for me (a few days later he started sleeping with K). We had regular contact on the phone and I could already feel that something was wrong, after another week I told him that I was hurting because he was so emotionally disconnected from me. I asked him about what was going on and he said he was just distant because of the special atmosphere at the camp. I asked if he would reconnect with me afterwards, and all I got was a “don’t know, probably” which hurt even more. I was deeply worried about our relationship the whole time, wondering what had gone wrong. When he came home, he told me about her, and that he figured it wouldn’t be a big deal because of my poly experience. He also admitted to being selfish, not thinking about what he was doing or caring much about my feelings because he was so emotionally detached (without knowing why he was so detached in the first place). He also conveniently forgot about an eerily similar scenario that happened to our friends not too long ago, where I explicitly stated that I would see this as cheating and that I DO NOT want to be told of an affair afterwards, but immediately, on the phone when necessary. Sex with others might happen unexpectedly sometimes, but relationships don't. There's always time to communicate.
I was devastated, and still am. The night that followed was the worst of my life. I had never been cheated on and I had no idea how badly it would affect me. I feel betrayed. I feel the most intense pain over the broken trust and the loss of intimacy and connection between us. At my obvious grief he reconnected emotionally and said that he wanted to save the relationship and that he was really sorry for the pain he caused. He has since tried (almost always successfully) to be there for me during many, many painful talks, tears and a lot of frustration.
I asked him to temporarily (maybe permanently) cut ties with K to focus on our relationship and he agreed, although reluctantly. He wanted to speak to her in person and I agreed on the condition that I got to meet her. K was reluctant at first, but agreed. I found her very likeable, but am worried because she showed little respect for my relationship with A. She knew about me but simply didn’t care, and while being sorry for my pain she openly confessed to having no regrets about what and how it happened. She knows about polyamory (she’s 23, we’re 30) and has shown some interest in the concept. I told her that I care about her feelings and her wish for a serious relationship with A, but that I cannot see that working out after what has happened. K was understanding, but is quite in love with A and sad to lose him, and I personally think that she was hoping he would break up with me. A says he has a crush on K but is willing to give it up for the sake of our relationship. We parted with the agreement that we would get together again in two months.
So here’s my first question: what is the ethical way to deal with K’s feelings of being pushed aside? Normally I would have said that I don’t want “enablers” of cheating in my network, and that if there is no insight into wrongdoing after it has happened, we’re not on the same page ethically and I’m in the right to protect my primary bond. But I feel that my judgment right now is heavily clouded due to the betrayal and the ensuing jealousy.
My second question: how do I go about repairing my relationship? It’s been two weeks and I'm tormented by uncontrollable bouts of anger and sadness. I’m paranoid and needy and terribly insecure. There are pictures and thoughts about the cheating in my head and I can’t seem to get past the HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME to work productively on the situation. Some days feel a little better, others feel like I haven’t made an inch of progress because the pain is so intense. A has been supportive so far, but I feel like I’m wearing him out quite quickly, and he has enough commitment issues as it is. I have doubts about whether our relationship really was what I perceived it to be, when something like this could happen so easily, and I’m worried that it might happen again because I still don’t know WHY it happened. But I feel we are both determined to give it our best shot over the next few months and to find out where that takes us. I’m yearning to feel some connection between us again, to see that the special bond is not gone but just damaged. But how? What actions are helpful? How do we both manage to stay sane? I have ordered “After the Affair” by Janis Spring for some guidance, we spend as much time as possible together (which is often tense and exhausting), we are going on a little getaway for some good moments, but I’m worried that I’ll ruin it because my emotions are all over the place. Any advice on how to deal with this?
Sincere thanks to whoever bothered to read through this.
SUMMARY
1) My boyfriend, A, cheated on me with K, who is in love with him but shows little respect for my relationship with A. What is the ethical way of dealing with K’s feelings of being pushed aside because I asked him to temporarily (maybe permanently) cut ties?
2) Any practical tips on what actions are helpful in re-establishing trust and the feeling of connection between A and me? How do I keep my rampant emotions from ruining any nice moments together which we desperately need right now?
I identify as poly and I’ve had a happy polyamorous relationship in the past (that ended because of other traumatic issues). I’ve been alone for five years before I started a new relationship with A, who was not comfortable with polyamory, but was not opposed to the idea, so we had a few conversations where I told him what being poly is about and how it worked for me. I gave him my copy of The Ethical Slut and he skimmed a few pages but never really read it. We had an agreement that I would not pursue any other romantic interests for the time being, and I was ok with that. I also said that if he felt like exploring polyamory for himself, I would be open about that as long as he was honest with me and told me about everything. We’ve been together for more than a year in what I experienced as a meaningful, committed relationship, which became more and more important to me, even though we had our issues.
And now A cheated on me. He was away working at a kids’ summer camp for a month during which he openly started a relationship with another woman, K, without telling me. And there are so many painful details that really get to me: Last year I had visited him at said camp and we spent some of our most wonderful days together. This year he was reluctant about my visiting and was going back and forth between yes and no, which was already very hurtful. When he finally made the decision that I shouldn’t visit (he was already at the camp), he told me quite coldly, which was hard for me (a few days later he started sleeping with K). We had regular contact on the phone and I could already feel that something was wrong, after another week I told him that I was hurting because he was so emotionally disconnected from me. I asked him about what was going on and he said he was just distant because of the special atmosphere at the camp. I asked if he would reconnect with me afterwards, and all I got was a “don’t know, probably” which hurt even more. I was deeply worried about our relationship the whole time, wondering what had gone wrong. When he came home, he told me about her, and that he figured it wouldn’t be a big deal because of my poly experience. He also admitted to being selfish, not thinking about what he was doing or caring much about my feelings because he was so emotionally detached (without knowing why he was so detached in the first place). He also conveniently forgot about an eerily similar scenario that happened to our friends not too long ago, where I explicitly stated that I would see this as cheating and that I DO NOT want to be told of an affair afterwards, but immediately, on the phone when necessary. Sex with others might happen unexpectedly sometimes, but relationships don't. There's always time to communicate.
I was devastated, and still am. The night that followed was the worst of my life. I had never been cheated on and I had no idea how badly it would affect me. I feel betrayed. I feel the most intense pain over the broken trust and the loss of intimacy and connection between us. At my obvious grief he reconnected emotionally and said that he wanted to save the relationship and that he was really sorry for the pain he caused. He has since tried (almost always successfully) to be there for me during many, many painful talks, tears and a lot of frustration.
I asked him to temporarily (maybe permanently) cut ties with K to focus on our relationship and he agreed, although reluctantly. He wanted to speak to her in person and I agreed on the condition that I got to meet her. K was reluctant at first, but agreed. I found her very likeable, but am worried because she showed little respect for my relationship with A. She knew about me but simply didn’t care, and while being sorry for my pain she openly confessed to having no regrets about what and how it happened. She knows about polyamory (she’s 23, we’re 30) and has shown some interest in the concept. I told her that I care about her feelings and her wish for a serious relationship with A, but that I cannot see that working out after what has happened. K was understanding, but is quite in love with A and sad to lose him, and I personally think that she was hoping he would break up with me. A says he has a crush on K but is willing to give it up for the sake of our relationship. We parted with the agreement that we would get together again in two months.
So here’s my first question: what is the ethical way to deal with K’s feelings of being pushed aside? Normally I would have said that I don’t want “enablers” of cheating in my network, and that if there is no insight into wrongdoing after it has happened, we’re not on the same page ethically and I’m in the right to protect my primary bond. But I feel that my judgment right now is heavily clouded due to the betrayal and the ensuing jealousy.
My second question: how do I go about repairing my relationship? It’s been two weeks and I'm tormented by uncontrollable bouts of anger and sadness. I’m paranoid and needy and terribly insecure. There are pictures and thoughts about the cheating in my head and I can’t seem to get past the HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME to work productively on the situation. Some days feel a little better, others feel like I haven’t made an inch of progress because the pain is so intense. A has been supportive so far, but I feel like I’m wearing him out quite quickly, and he has enough commitment issues as it is. I have doubts about whether our relationship really was what I perceived it to be, when something like this could happen so easily, and I’m worried that it might happen again because I still don’t know WHY it happened. But I feel we are both determined to give it our best shot over the next few months and to find out where that takes us. I’m yearning to feel some connection between us again, to see that the special bond is not gone but just damaged. But how? What actions are helpful? How do we both manage to stay sane? I have ordered “After the Affair” by Janis Spring for some guidance, we spend as much time as possible together (which is often tense and exhausting), we are going on a little getaway for some good moments, but I’m worried that I’ll ruin it because my emotions are all over the place. Any advice on how to deal with this?
Sincere thanks to whoever bothered to read through this.
SUMMARY
1) My boyfriend, A, cheated on me with K, who is in love with him but shows little respect for my relationship with A. What is the ethical way of dealing with K’s feelings of being pushed aside because I asked him to temporarily (maybe permanently) cut ties?
2) Any practical tips on what actions are helpful in re-establishing trust and the feeling of connection between A and me? How do I keep my rampant emotions from ruining any nice moments together which we desperately need right now?
