Discrimination

Apologies if this exists in another thread.

One of my biggest fears in coming out as poly is the potential for discrimination that may follow. I am a young adult starting my second year of college studying chemical engineering. I've got scholarships to apply for, internships to fight for, and research positions to try for. After undergrad, I've got graduate schools and fellowships to apply to. From there, I may start a career in the government sector (although either way, I will need funding for projects). I have been "warned" that coming out or being open may jeopardize my opportunities at school and in my future career. I wanted to know if these warnings are justified. Have any of you experienced severe discrimination in a school or career setting? What are your thoughts?

Thank you!

-Mary Beth

I am completely out at school and in my life. I haven't experienced any discrimination and actually-college life seems to have been where it has been MOST easily accepted and gotten little to no attention from anyone.

I live in the bible belt and I've never been discriminated against for being poly, bi, or atheist.

So far, you guys are giving me hope.

People in general don't care enough about you for it to be an issue. Now if your government job involved a backround check or a lifestyle polygraph than maybe but short of that there is no scholarship that would dig into your personal life to that extent.

Of course coming out isn't something you *have* to do. I've been "in the closet" about it since I started living a poly life in 2006, and I don't feel any great need to come out now (though I had an adjustment phase in the first year or so).

Having said that, it sounds to me like you're entering into a scientific field, and scientists can usually be counted on to think logically. Discriminating against you for something in your personal life doesn't make logical sense. I would think the people you'll be working with will be a lot more interested in your scientific expertise than they will be in your poly preferences. I could be wrong of course, but that's how it seems.

I have no issues. I just live my life. Honestly no one gives a darn.

I think it depends on where you live and who you're with, and a host of other variables. It would hurt me a lot if I was too open, but our circumstances will change eventually and it won't be an issue. We do intend to be open at some point.

I think you need to assess your situation and decide for yourself. Are you dating a married partner? Are you married? If you're applying for grants and such, it may be wise to hold off on being freely open about it.

Also, consider why and how open you want to be. There are degrees of openness, after all.

WhatToDo said:

People in general don't care enough about you for it to be an issue. Now if your government job involved a backround check or a lifestyle polygraph than maybe but short of that there is no scholarship that would dig into your personal life to that extent.

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Many of my friends that are poly or involved in BDSM work for the federal government in some capacity. Many of them have had to do both polygraphs as well as background checks. if you are open and honest about multiple partners, BDSM, affairs, etc. the government does not care. If they find out you hid something they are more likely to have a problem with your lack of honesty.

What is your motivation for coming out? I would love to be more open, but I know my conservative, traditional family would disown me. I also work in a field that has a "morality clause" and while I would fight if there was ever issues, I would rather just not have work know. I do have friends that are also poly, so it is nice to talk freely among them. I have never denied being poly if people were to ask, I just do not bring it up.

Hearing you guys remind me that people don't really care that much about my personal life is comforting, and I especially appreciate knowing honesty is valued.

To give more of an immediate and detailed worry: I am a member of a professional co-ed fraternity. Though the group is usually very open-minded and accepting (we have our fair share of amazing lesbians, gays, and transgenders, with one especially fantastic drag queen), there is a particular group of people that tend to... well, torture/bully me to be frank. I have also had the unpleasant experience of listening to a living room full of educated young adults bash on a mutual friend because she was poly.

But no matter what I do, that group is going to continue to bully me. So I'm thinking, why let that dictate my life? If I have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend and I want to invite both to a football tailgate or a social event at my fraternity (where I live in-house to boot), then who is to tell me no? I can always introduce them as my partners to the people I know and respect, and not waste my time with the rabble.

It's just still awfully scary knowing you're giving ammunition to some mean jerkfaces by being your awesome-self.

AlsoMary said:

there is a particular group of people that tend to... well, torture/bully me to be frank. I have also had the unpleasant experience of listening to a living room full of educated young adults bash on a mutual friend because she was poly.

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This sounds like high school. Honestly I think a more relevant question you should be asking yourself and talking with a guidance counselor about is how to remove yourself from this toxic situation. Anything which could qualify as "torture" or "bullied" is well outside of acceptable behavior. That, and learning how to stand up for yourself... it sounds like you might want to get some therapy (and join a martial arts class).

As far as coming out as poly? I would say, not while you have a personality that allows bullies to kick you around. No one picks on me about my life choices because I won't stand for it.

Marcus said:

As far as coming out as poly? I would say, not while you have a personality that allows bullies to kick you around. No one picks on me about my life choices because I won't stand for it.

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Oh my, I would say I have tried to stand up to them in the past, but these college aged engineering students are very much like high schoolers. Their tactics include gossip and social media. It is really quite shameful...

As for the "toxic situation," my fraternity has its fair share of good people and opportunities, and I've been working on focussing more on those positives.

MsChristy said:

Many of my friends that are poly or involved in BDSM work for the federal government in some capacity. Many of them have had to do both polygraphs as well as background checks. if you are open and honest about multiple partners, BDSM, affairs, etc. the government does not care. If they find out you hid something they are more likely to have a problem with your lack of honesty.

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This.

Hiding things is a huge no-no.
Although, from my experience, I've told a handful of coworkers (including a friend in our security department) about Chops being poly and in other relationships, yadda yadda, and it's not a big deal. If someone can use this information against you (you're really trying hard to hide it in order to protect yourself or something), then THAT's what they consider the risk.

The reason I really don't talk about the nature of the relationship all that much (with respect to work) is that it seems that anything other than the "norm" ends up putting the sexuality aspect of your relationship front and center in people's minds (oh, you're <fill-in-the-blank>? Mind wanders to what happens in the bedroom...), especially when, in my experience, people equate "poly" to "everyone has sex together."

I don't want that - I would find it completely inappropriate, and would be concerned that the respect people at work have for my actual WORK would be overshadowed by their wondering if I have to sleep in a king sized bed to accommodate multiple people (and I'm mono!).

Socially (outside of work), I'm more "if it's germane to the conversation" about coming out. I've had friends vilify Chops for "disrespecting me" and it's aggravating. At this point, I give less of a shit about that than I did (although I'm still tetchy about my extended family knowing, because THEY get protective too).

That really sucks about those bullying types. It would be completely unprofessional behavior of them in the workplace. But you're right, they'd probably find an excuse to torment you no matter what you did. So, you might as well be yourself, and let better people form a better opinion of you.

I find it funny (in a WTF???" way, not a "hahahahahaha" way) that it's even a worry that being poly could trigger a "morals clause violation"

How the hell is love (amongst consenting adults) immoral? I never understood that.

Thought I'd throw in my two cents C: While I completely agree with what everyone is saying about the fact that most people don't give a damn about your sex life I do have a story from thr other side as well. My partner Bok recently started seeing a co-worker (who very much wanted to keep things on the DL). While all parties involved were consenting adults when word got out it DID have an effect on the team dynamic. Probably more a case of "don't date in the work place" but he definitely did loose some respect.

I just finished uni in the sciences and I can say that that's where I found the MOST support. There will be assholes where ever you go xP

Re (from RichardInTN):

"How the hell is love (amongst consenting adults) immoral? I never understood that."

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Not sure, but back in the "good old days," love between persons of mixed races was immoral. And I know there's still plenty of people who "know" gay love is (still) immoral.

kdt26417 said:

... scientists can usually be counted on to think logically. Discriminating against you for something in your personal life doesn't make logical sense. ...

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Oh, Kevin - would that that were true! It may apply to some but my experience has been that scientists can be logical in their own field and completely irrational in areas outside of their field of expertise. Grrrr.

Example: Someone bought a winning lottery ticket at the store down the road. I watched two professional colleagues arguing about whether or not it was a "good time" to buy a lottery ticket at the same store. "It just hit - so it the store is lucky and we should buy it there." vs. "It just hit - so it won't hit again." I tried to point out that the odds of winning on a given lottery ticket are THE SAME regardless of where they buy the ticket - the numbers have no knowledge of prior events...They both told me I was wrong.

They both told you you were wrong?? Huh???

Are you sure they weren't playing some kind of a prank on you.

Jeesh, didn't they have to take any probability classes in college? If you've flipped a coin 100 times and it's come up heads every time, your 101st toss will then still have a 50/50 chance of coming up heads. Once the outcome of a random event is in the past, it no longer figures into a future event. If I'm an amateur, how come I have to be the one explaining this? (and I know I'm preaching to the choir ...)

[SMH] Scientists today, right?