Curbing the Insecurity Monster

I'm not new to polyamory. I'm not new to these forums, but I have changed my account. (If there's a way to do so on my other account, please let me know. But I kinda want that to be historical record of that part of my life.)

At any rate...

New partner. New partner has another partner (a year into our relationship).

I'm getting the lovely "She's skinny, and I'm not, and I feel insecure suddenly" issues coming up. I'd like for that to go away.

I know he loves me, wants to build a life with me.

Overall, I'm much more aware of the pitfalls and things to watch for, and things I will and will not tolerate, in addition to having hard conversations sooner rather than later.

She's lovely (if a little broken). She's becoming a good friend. I believe you can never have too many friends.

I have no jealousy over them spending time together. I simply want to be kept in the "loop," and for the time I have with him not to be reduced or altered.

By altered, I mean he ditches family time for sexxy time with her. We have a family and kids. There's a whole lotta other stuff that goes with that. I have felt taken advantage of, taken for granted, and I won't put up with that.

So... yeah. How do I get rid of those feelings of insecurity? How do I get keep it firmly in my mind that the perceived slights are just that... perceived? He hasn't changed how he treats me. My insecurity is just seeing it as slightly different.

Maybe if you had some sort of set family time, a fixed routine, specific days are scheduled family time. Or maybe your schedule changes so you'd have to do things weekly or monthly. I just think being able to see that his time to do the family thing were set in stone would help you to be more assured he won't let things slip too far.

Hi azorkanesbrat,

Sometimes getting rid of insecure feelings is something you do just by waiting it out. Your partner needs time to prove to you that he and his love can be trusted to stay with you. It's one thing to know something in your mind, but another thing to feel it in your heart. The heart has to see the proof before it can feel secure.

Other than that you just talk things out as you go along. Let him know what your needs are, and if there's anything specific you need him to do.

And give yourself some time to adjust.
Regards,
Kevin T.

Would it be correct to assume you are insecure/self-conscious about your weight already, and that it just so happens to be triggered by the fact that he's found someone who is "smaller" then you? If that is the case, the solution is in working through your issue with your weight, and by that, I don't mean losing weight. Work on yourself to accept yourself for who you are, possibly changing your opinion of what is/isn't attractive.
These are lofty goals and not easy.

I'm not saying this with the thought that you should just "do it" and all will be well. I'm saying it because if you already believe that there is something wrong or less attractive about your weight, nothing he does or doesn't do will change that.

Yes and no. I am, but I'm not, if that makes sense.

The competition isn't with her, It's with myself, who I was 20 years ago when we were first together.

He loves me, and finds me sexxy. I know this. But I don't love my body, and I've gained about 10 lbs in the last month. So I'm struggling with that because I was doing so good at following my plan, and I was happy with where my body was.

[punches self from 20 years ago in the shoulder] "Stupid self!"

Ah yeah, I feel ya. Glad I'm not the only one in that boat ...

When Azorkane and I first got back in contact, I said to him, "You know I'm not as skinny as I was 20 years ago, right?"

I outweigh my 20-year old self by 100lbs. Currently in the process of finding that skinny girl again, because I want to be healthy, not because I want to be skinny. Skinny is the byproduct of being healthy.

Hi azorkanesbrat,

With regards to the family time, as others have said, I'd just suggest that you talk about what commitments and responsibilities you have together and agree on a minimum. Like X amount of family days a week, X amount of dates with you per week, X amount of days spent in each other's company, etc.

I would say that it can help to leave some space for the growth of other relationships, but to ensure that the minimum needs of you/your relationship/your family are being met.

As for the skinny issue...

I have to say, as a woman who adores curvy (and by this I mean anything from hourglass curvy to BBW) women, I passionately believe that attraction comes from one's self-image, intelligence, personality, dress-sense, and overall confidence. I've dated 'skinny' women, but I'd honestly choose a curvier woman any day. It just seems to be a preference.

That being said, if you are happier in yourself and feel healthier when you were smaller, do the work needed to get yourself there! You are in complete control of that.

Otherwise, or in the meantime, look inside and see what really makes you attractive. When I'm feeling low in self-esteem, I do something that I feel proud of. I write, or learn a language, or take a class, or do a good deed, expand my horizons, take an independent trip... things that make me feel improved as a person, which boost my self-confidence as a benefit. As an added bonus, I also find myself less threatened by others, because I embrace my self-worth. Make sense?

Good luck!

Re (from azorkanesbrat):

"I outweighed my 20-year-old self by 100 pounds."

Click to expand...

Gods, I'm about 85 pounds heavier than I was 20 years ago -- and 100 pounds heavier than I was 30 years ago. And I thought I had a "problem body" back then! [swears up a storm] I know darn tootin' well that my metabolism has changed -- though I also know I have bad habits I should work on. I'm trying, but it's discouraging.

My talents have changed too ... I think I'm better at helping people (at least online) than I was 20 years ago. [shrug] I know it doesn't sound like much, but what if some little thing I say gives someone the one piece they were missing in a puzzle they were trying to solve? What if it changes their life for the better? That's nothing to sneeze at.

But yeah, we should form a "Stupid Body Support Group" or something ...

Ah the joys of self-comparison.

Beauty in your eyes, which was my guess, added worry because he knew you before.

I totally know that one! Same process, though. Gotta work on self, which of course you know, and when those sneaky-niggling feelings come wandering in, start reciting your physical accomplishments. I'm unsure which are appropriate to list here, but we all know they exist.

sparklepop said:

I have to say, as a woman who adores curvy (and by this I mean anything from hourglass curvy to BBW) women, I passionately believe that attraction comes from one's self-image, intelligence, personality, dress-sense, and overall confidence. I've dated 'skinny' women, but I'd honestly choose a curvier woman any day. It just seems to be a preference.

Click to expand...

I love curvy women too. I love the softness of the skin, the roundness of the hips and boobs, the way everything feels when we *mesh* together.

I see not the flaws in other women, but the beauty and the sexiness and the amazing personalities.

@LovingRadience, I'm not hiding. I just don't really know how to make the transition without having to explain everything. I think I disappeared off the forums before the shit really hit the fan, and I haven't gone back to look to see if I ever updated.

Well then, by all means, my dear, revel in all of your accomplishments!

Here's what to think about when the emotional turmoil about your body hits the fan.

Think of our walk compared to today! When we took our Mother's Day walk, you were telling me how you hoped to be able to be in a derby bout "one day." You were trying to master jumps! You were struggling through and making practice but life was kicking your ass. You stuck it out through all of the hell that was spinning tornado-style around you, and look what you have accomplished! Shit, you make me look lazy as hell!

You may not be "skinny" (as if that matters) but you have strength! You've pushed through to reach those physical goals. (I know you pushed through emotional and mental goals too, but that isn't what you say you feel insecure about.)

Be proud! You've done a lot.

Okay, 10 pounds. Seriously, serious as hell, I gain and lose 10 pounds every month. That's not a huge issue. And this month is the shittiest month of your year. Besides, stop beating yourself up over 10 pounds. We aren't measuring accomplishment in pounds! We're measuring it in strength,
right? STRENGTH!

Go read our mutual friends' various FB posts about strength, not size. Remind yourself! You got this. Skinny isn't strong. Strong is sexy. And you, my dear, are strong.

As the "skinny" other partner in a similar dynamic, I just want to say that it ends up sucking all round when people start playing the comparison game. We see the people we love as more than the body they're in. Your boyfriend sees you as more than a body. You're a whole person to him, and so is Amber. We fall for who people are inside, not the shell they're in.

When we compare ourselves to others, we always set ourselves up to lose. We know ourselves, and our shortfalls, better than anyone else. All you can do is to be the best you that you can be, and accept the love that is offered to you.