Hi all, this is mostly to get it all out of my head but any advice or thoughts are welcome.......here goes......
I am a 36 year old white male who is divorced once and in the process of getting a second divorce. All my life i knew that having only one person to love was not for me, sadly, i feel like i am the only one who feels like this. Towards the end of my second marriage I met a woman who i met on a swinger site. My wife knew of her and at the time approved. When the time came for us to play the first time, my wife freaked out and moved in with a friend of ours and who i had encouraged a relationship with. I later learned that there was a much deeper relationship with him then i was told about despite the repeated statements that she would be totally honest with me. I leaned on this new woman, Ill call her B, much more then i should have at the time. We did develop some pretty serious and intense feelings for each other and while sometime has passed, we still havent officially become a couple. I refer to her as my not-girlfriend do to my having label issues. She means the world to me as well as her kids but still cannot bring myself to label our relationship although i am very committed to her and the kids. I have been very upfront and honest about my inability to be with just one person emotionally and while it took an enormous amount of work, the relationship we have no is no less then perfect for the both of us. When i do find a new woman that i feel intense feelings for, the transition to a new woman can be a bit rough but with honesty and communication we generally work through it. Some of them have even become friends. I recently met a new woman and again, was upfront and honest with her, K, about my lifestyle and the person i am. While she stated In theory it sounds logical, she was unsure she could be in a poly relationship. I told her i understood and tried to only be a friend. We ended up sleeping together and became quite close. K, stated that she would try the poly lifestyle and while no official label was put on the relationship, we acted very much like a couple. When K told me a guy from her work asked her out, I encouraged it and approached it like another part of our relationship. After one or two dates, she informed me that this man, would not accept another person in a relationship and while they are not a couple, she did break things off with me. I find myself now with a void where she was and cant get her out of my heart and mind. Another factor compounding the issue is that B lives where my family lives, and K lives near where i recently moved for work. About 2 hours away. so now i feel like i am totally alone in my new surroundings and have struggled as of late as too why i feel wrong in who i am and what i want in my relationships. Thoughts of suicide have crept into my mind and while i am doing my best to stave them off........recently i was placed on administrative leave from work, unpaid, as i was having a bad day and my supervisors took my saying so in the wrong context. All I really want in this life is a big family, including B and her kids, but including another.......why is it so fucking hard to find someone who can accept other people??
why do i feel like im the only one, while in the back of my mind, knowing im not, that feels this way?........
End of rant........
I am a 36 year old white male who is divorced once and in the process of getting a second divorce. All my life i knew that having only one person to love was not for me, sadly, i feel like i am the only one who feels like this. Towards the end of my second marriage I met a woman who i met on a swinger site. My wife knew of her and at the time approved. When the time came for us to play the first time, my wife freaked out and moved in with a friend of ours and who i had encouraged a relationship with. I later learned that there was a much deeper relationship with him then i was told about despite the repeated statements that she would be totally honest with me. I leaned on this new woman, Ill call her B, much more then i should have at the time. We did develop some pretty serious and intense feelings for each other and while sometime has passed, we still havent officially become a couple. I refer to her as my not-girlfriend do to my having label issues. She means the world to me as well as her kids but still cannot bring myself to label our relationship although i am very committed to her and the kids. I have been very upfront and honest about my inability to be with just one person emotionally and while it took an enormous amount of work, the relationship we have no is no less then perfect for the both of us. When i do find a new woman that i feel intense feelings for, the transition to a new woman can be a bit rough but with honesty and communication we generally work through it. Some of them have even become friends. I recently met a new woman and again, was upfront and honest with her, K, about my lifestyle and the person i am. While she stated In theory it sounds logical, she was unsure she could be in a poly relationship. I told her i understood and tried to only be a friend. We ended up sleeping together and became quite close. K, stated that she would try the poly lifestyle and while no official label was put on the relationship, we acted very much like a couple. When K told me a guy from her work asked her out, I encouraged it and approached it like another part of our relationship. After one or two dates, she informed me that this man, would not accept another person in a relationship and while they are not a couple, she did break things off with me. I find myself now with a void where she was and cant get her out of my heart and mind. Another factor compounding the issue is that B lives where my family lives, and K lives near where i recently moved for work. About 2 hours away. so now i feel like i am totally alone in my new surroundings and have struggled as of late as too why i feel wrong in who i am and what i want in my relationships. Thoughts of suicide have crept into my mind and while i am doing my best to stave them off........recently i was placed on administrative leave from work, unpaid, as i was having a bad day and my supervisors took my saying so in the wrong context. All I really want in this life is a big family, including B and her kids, but including another.......why is it so fucking hard to find someone who can accept other people??
why do i feel like im the only one, while in the back of my mind, knowing im not, that feels this way?........
End of rant........
