Radical Honesty. Interview with the author
- Thread starter redpepper
- Start date
Somegeezer
New member
Slightly amusing. I was disappointed that the writer couldn't keep with the full on honesty though. I think the Texan fellow was certainly good with his honesty, but still a guy I wouldn't like to meet. =P He sounded like a jerk.
copperhead
New member
I hope no-one minds that I'm resurrecting this thread. I just found this article on my own and wanted to ask if anyone has any experiences on radical honesty. I remember seeing someone say in some thread that they practise this with their spouse (which is why weeks later I googled the term).
I feel total honesty could be very exhausting and also unnesessarily rude, but I understand the point about being present and taking the storm the honesty causes and moving on together afterwards.
I feel I'm a lot more honest than most people. I have a reputation for it, it is a quality that is appreciated actually. People ask me for opinion on their art, because they know I will tell my honest opinion. Apparently I've somehow learned to do it in a way that isn't too harsh. I don't know how.
For a long time I kept quiet instead of telling the truth, but I find that these past few years that I've tried to learn to be more open and honest about everything my life has become easier and I connect with people a lot better. I think I've started to value honesty and openness above other things. Haven't really thought about it like that before.
So what are your experiences? If you don't have any, would you give it a try?
I feel total honesty could be very exhausting and also unnesessarily rude, but I understand the point about being present and taking the storm the honesty causes and moving on together afterwards.
I feel I'm a lot more honest than most people. I have a reputation for it, it is a quality that is appreciated actually. People ask me for opinion on their art, because they know I will tell my honest opinion. Apparently I've somehow learned to do it in a way that isn't too harsh. I don't know how.
For a long time I kept quiet instead of telling the truth, but I find that these past few years that I've tried to learn to be more open and honest about everything my life has become easier and I connect with people a lot better. I think I've started to value honesty and openness above other things. Haven't really thought about it like that before.
So what are your experiences? If you don't have any, would you give it a try?
Hmmm, that was a surprisingly entertaining article.
Jeesh, I don't know if we should blurt out whatever our mind is thinking *all* the time. First of all because I'm not sure if our audience will benefit from it, second because I'm not sure our audience can always be trusted with the information, and third because not everything our mind thinks is 100% true. I mean, just think of the weird shit we dream about at night. Our mind doesn't always come up with truth. It experiments a lot with various kinds of bullshit, possibly as a way to probe for new angles for viewing the truth.
I will say that I have the most fun with the relationships in which I feel (mostly/relatively) free to blurt out whatever, without having to worry about repercussions. Like the conversations between A.J. Jacobs and Brad Blanton. They almost seem to have a two-stooges act going, an apathy about the consequences of their words that quickly becomes friendly banter. I guess if I thought one of them was starting to be mean on purpose, I wouldn't think it was so funny, but as far as I could tell that's not what they were doing (most of the time anyway).
Many's the time I've heard someone say, "I'm just being honest," and thought to myself, "I believe that true honesty tends to be merciful. The harsh stuff that comes out of our mouths tends to issue from the bullshit part of our minds: the reptilian part, the part that reacts without thinking, hoping to triumph by beating our perceived opponent into submission." How many of us can say that we have uttered something in a moment of anger that we later regretted? even, that we realized we didn't even mean -- not really? that it was the anger talking, more than it was the real us? I can certainly confess to having done that, many's the time.
As it happens, Tristan Taormino is less than thrilled with Radical Honesty per se, at least it looks that way from the following passages in the book "Opening Up:"
I guess my take on it is that a larger amount of truthfulness would be good for our society and our world, but I also think that, especially when we are discussing some kind of a hot-button topic, we need to carefully analyze what we are going to say so that the honest part of our message can be received by our audience. Not that we'll always succeed, but we need to try. In order to be truly honest, our communication also has to be truly humane ... I guess is how we could sum up my opinion on the subject.
So, I guess I think we should all try to be both nicer and more honest at the same time. Can't be done? The two virtues don't always exist in the same space? Maybe not, but I'm thinking that they do -- by definition -- at least 99% of the time. Maybe we're just not using enough imagination to see the 99%?
Jeesh, I don't know if we should blurt out whatever our mind is thinking *all* the time. First of all because I'm not sure if our audience will benefit from it, second because I'm not sure our audience can always be trusted with the information, and third because not everything our mind thinks is 100% true. I mean, just think of the weird shit we dream about at night. Our mind doesn't always come up with truth. It experiments a lot with various kinds of bullshit, possibly as a way to probe for new angles for viewing the truth.
I will say that I have the most fun with the relationships in which I feel (mostly/relatively) free to blurt out whatever, without having to worry about repercussions. Like the conversations between A.J. Jacobs and Brad Blanton. They almost seem to have a two-stooges act going, an apathy about the consequences of their words that quickly becomes friendly banter. I guess if I thought one of them was starting to be mean on purpose, I wouldn't think it was so funny, but as far as I could tell that's not what they were doing (most of the time anyway).
Many's the time I've heard someone say, "I'm just being honest," and thought to myself, "I believe that true honesty tends to be merciful. The harsh stuff that comes out of our mouths tends to issue from the bullshit part of our minds: the reptilian part, the part that reacts without thinking, hoping to triumph by beating our perceived opponent into submission." How many of us can say that we have uttered something in a moment of anger that we later regretted? even, that we realized we didn't even mean -- not really? that it was the anger talking, more than it was the real us? I can certainly confess to having done that, many's the time.
As it happens, Tristan Taormino is less than thrilled with Radical Honesty per se, at least it looks that way from the following passages in the book "Opening Up:"
I guess my take on it is that a larger amount of truthfulness would be good for our society and our world, but I also think that, especially when we are discussing some kind of a hot-button topic, we need to carefully analyze what we are going to say so that the honest part of our message can be received by our audience. Not that we'll always succeed, but we need to try. In order to be truly honest, our communication also has to be truly humane ... I guess is how we could sum up my opinion on the subject.
So, I guess I think we should all try to be both nicer and more honest at the same time. Can't be done? The two virtues don't always exist in the same space? Maybe not, but I'm thinking that they do -- by definition -- at least 99% of the time. Maybe we're just not using enough imagination to see the 99%?
LovingRadiance
Active member
I think they do. Always. And I rarely agree with using always (or never).
"does this make me look fat?"-overweight spouse
Honest:
"I think by your question you feel uncomfortable and self conscious in that. I want you to feel proud and confident when we are together, lets find something that helps you feel that way."
Asshole:
"How the hell am I supposed to answer that?"
Or
"yes"
Lying:
"i would never notice"
Or
"no"
If we bother to take the time to consider the REAL conversation and the "deeper" truth before we open our mouths, I think we will find that TRUE honesty (opposed to radical honesty) is always kinder and more humane.
Of course; that is my personal opinion.
I committed to no more lying, about anything, September 25, 2009. I have kelt my word on that. Sometimes it required me to respond to questions with "I really don't know the true answer to that right now." sometimes I had to say things I knew were upsetting, and that meant taking time to find the loving way to say it.
But it has strengthened all of my relationships. I don't speak every thought i have. No one needs to hear my OCD bullshit, I don't need to repeat the insanity that depression pushes through my head, irrational fears don't need strengthened by me claiming them to be the truth.
It is true these things are in my head and if asked what is in there I am honest. But I am also open about the irrationality of such thoughts.
I don't hide the truth or keep secrets (lies of omission) and I don't try to make excuses for lies by calling them small or white lies.
I do answer at times with "I think you would prefer to wait and be surprised on Christmas/your bday" or "I don't think anything i was thinkin is worth repeating" or "I know you are self conscious about your stretch marks and weight, lets work together to get the photo that makes you feel beautiful."
Then: I follow through.
I don't pretend that what is there isn't or what isn't there is.
"does this make me look fat?"-overweight spouse
Honest:
"I think by your question you feel uncomfortable and self conscious in that. I want you to feel proud and confident when we are together, lets find something that helps you feel that way."
Asshole:
"How the hell am I supposed to answer that?"
Or
"yes"
Lying:
"i would never notice"
Or
"no"
If we bother to take the time to consider the REAL conversation and the "deeper" truth before we open our mouths, I think we will find that TRUE honesty (opposed to radical honesty) is always kinder and more humane.
Of course; that is my personal opinion.
I committed to no more lying, about anything, September 25, 2009. I have kelt my word on that. Sometimes it required me to respond to questions with "I really don't know the true answer to that right now." sometimes I had to say things I knew were upsetting, and that meant taking time to find the loving way to say it.
But it has strengthened all of my relationships. I don't speak every thought i have. No one needs to hear my OCD bullshit, I don't need to repeat the insanity that depression pushes through my head, irrational fears don't need strengthened by me claiming them to be the truth.
It is true these things are in my head and if asked what is in there I am honest. But I am also open about the irrationality of such thoughts.
I don't hide the truth or keep secrets (lies of omission) and I don't try to make excuses for lies by calling them small or white lies.
I do answer at times with "I think you would prefer to wait and be surprised on Christmas/your bday" or "I don't think anything i was thinkin is worth repeating" or "I know you are self conscious about your stretch marks and weight, lets work together to get the photo that makes you feel beautiful."
Then: I follow through.
I don't pretend that what is there isn't or what isn't there is.
copperhead
New member
Yes, you both bring up what I found to be troubling in the consept of radical honesty. Everyone would have to be strong enough to be able to handle the honest remarks and the emotions they cause… and outbursts. But at least my experience is that most people aren't ready for this. You'd have to educate every person individually to understand what it is you are doing and why. Otherwise it'l be just bullying.
Another issue I have is that this sounds a bit like a cult. If there is only one truth and to meet the requirments you'd have to act against your natural instincts and do what some jerk tells you in order to get his acceptance (while propably losing the trust of some very dear people in your life…). It just raises some cult related red flags.
I like the consept of true honesty more. It's a more gentle approach.
Another issue I have is that this sounds a bit like a cult. If there is only one truth and to meet the requirments you'd have to act against your natural instincts and do what some jerk tells you in order to get his acceptance (while propably losing the trust of some very dear people in your life…). It just raises some cult related red flags.
I like the consept of true honesty more. It's a more gentle approach.
Re (from LovingRadiance):
Yes, yes, yes -- this.
Sometimes things are hard to hear, yes. But there are still many possible modes of delivery. I believe in using the most gentle words possible. Why? Well a number of reasons, but one is that I think it constitutes better communication. As in, communication in which the other person can hear what you're saying with much less chance of feeling hurt or defensive (which would tend to hamper their reception of your message and defeat the whole purpose of the conversation).
I know not everyone agrees with me about stuff like this. To some people, winning an argument by conveying your supporting facts is the best way to convince someone to change their mind about something. Whereas I believe it works better, for example, to just ask the other person questions that might help them see things differently on their own steam. I think people are more likely to be able to receive new and challenging information that way.
Re (from copperhead):
Yes. That's how I feel about it.
Yes, yes, yes -- this.
Sometimes things are hard to hear, yes. But there are still many possible modes of delivery. I believe in using the most gentle words possible. Why? Well a number of reasons, but one is that I think it constitutes better communication. As in, communication in which the other person can hear what you're saying with much less chance of feeling hurt or defensive (which would tend to hamper their reception of your message and defeat the whole purpose of the conversation).
I know not everyone agrees with me about stuff like this. To some people, winning an argument by conveying your supporting facts is the best way to convince someone to change their mind about something. Whereas I believe it works better, for example, to just ask the other person questions that might help them see things differently on their own steam. I think people are more likely to be able to receive new and challenging information that way.
Re (from copperhead):
Yes. That's how I feel about it.
copperhead
New member
kdt26417;267444 Sometimes things are hard to hear said:
Re:
Yeppers.
And, when everyone (as one person doing it doesn't suffice) has internally agreed to address each other's contributions with respect and appreciation.
Re:
That is to say, when they start becoming competitions, they stop being conversations.
Re:
Oh I know some people think those things are cool and/or mature, at least when delivered with plausible denial (e.g., "I can prove I was just sharing my feelings").
Many sentences that start out with, "I was just ..." are excuses for expressing oneself in a way that's far beneath what one could do. "I was just using the style of communication I grew up with." "I was just talking like everyone in my region does." "I was just misunderstood when you didn't imagine my soothing voice." "I was just adhering to the site guidelines." These tend to work like blank checks one can use to justify saying almost anything.
Adding special allowances for the pitiless words one uses only multiplies the wrongness of those words. It adds a layer of dishonesty to them. If one means something more nicely than one's actual words express, then one should choose other words, words that convey an honest amount of niceness.
Cause let me tell you, words can hurt. They can do enormous amounts of psychological damage. Maybe some people are tough-skinned and can handle hearing the truth on the rocks, but does that mean the rest of us are just out of luck?
Perhaps I should add, "Do as I say, not as I do," because I don't always practice what I preach. But a more civilized standard of communication is what I'd like to see us all strive for.
Yeppers.
And, when everyone (as one person doing it doesn't suffice) has internally agreed to address each other's contributions with respect and appreciation.
Re:
That is to say, when they start becoming competitions, they stop being conversations.
Re:
Oh I know some people think those things are cool and/or mature, at least when delivered with plausible denial (e.g., "I can prove I was just sharing my feelings").
Many sentences that start out with, "I was just ..." are excuses for expressing oneself in a way that's far beneath what one could do. "I was just using the style of communication I grew up with." "I was just talking like everyone in my region does." "I was just misunderstood when you didn't imagine my soothing voice." "I was just adhering to the site guidelines." These tend to work like blank checks one can use to justify saying almost anything.
Adding special allowances for the pitiless words one uses only multiplies the wrongness of those words. It adds a layer of dishonesty to them. If one means something more nicely than one's actual words express, then one should choose other words, words that convey an honest amount of niceness.
Cause let me tell you, words can hurt. They can do enormous amounts of psychological damage. Maybe some people are tough-skinned and can handle hearing the truth on the rocks, but does that mean the rest of us are just out of luck?
Perhaps I should add, "Do as I say, not as I do," because I don't always practice what I preach. But a more civilized standard of communication is what I'd like to see us all strive for.
LovingRadiance
Active member
A curiosity that popped into my ADD brain while reading this.....
I wonder if the lack of willingness to manage delayed gratification is related to the "I was just..." excuse making?
Because it seems to me that the key factor in finding the kind AND honest words, requires taking some time to figure out the best combination of terminology and proper execution of tone/speed/volume in which to share/convey your message...
But people don't like to wait, so they just blurt out the words that initially come to mind....
Anyway-it's late and I had a long day, so I'm not even sure I'm being clear in conveying what is rolling around in my noggin.
It seems like it may be related though; delayed gratification and good communication skills...
I wonder if the lack of willingness to manage delayed gratification is related to the "I was just..." excuse making?
Because it seems to me that the key factor in finding the kind AND honest words, requires taking some time to figure out the best combination of terminology and proper execution of tone/speed/volume in which to share/convey your message...
But people don't like to wait, so they just blurt out the words that initially come to mind....
Anyway-it's late and I had a long day, so I'm not even sure I'm being clear in conveying what is rolling around in my noggin.
It seems like it may be related though; delayed gratification and good communication skills...
This was really inspiring and thought-provoking, thank you so much for sharing it. I admire your approach to compassionate truth-telling.
ETA: I wish there was a like button on this site - there is so much wisdom here!
Amanita
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Re: delayed gratification and good communication skills ... yes LR, I think you may be onto something. And the thing is, some people will argue, "But the first thought that comes to your mind is usually the most true/accurate thought." Which is particularly true where you're taking a test that asks you to record your thoughts, reactions, and feelings (in order to analyze your psyche, personality type, or what have you). But I personally think that communicating with other people is different than taking a self-evaluation test. The test is meant to be a snapshot of you, as you are -- not a portrait of your interactions with others, as you would hopefully like them to be.
I think part of the delayed gratification part of good communication skills is the part where you don't concern yourself so much with how well you express yourself, as you do how well you listen to what the other person has to say. Good listening means putting your own thoughts on hold. It means shifting out of teaching mode and into learning mode. "Okay, I am not going to try to teach this person anything right now, I am going to try to learn and let this person teach me." This is a key attitude that I think one needs to have if one wants to be a good listener. And IMO, listening, more than talking, is what constitutes the quality of one's communication skills.
I perceive good listening as a type of meditation. In meditation, we try to silence the chatter of our own minds so that we can step outside ourselves into the Universe and experience our built-in oneness with God or with All That Is (whatever word suits us for that concept). Similarly, when another person is talking to us, we (should) try to quiet the smarts and comebacks our own minds want to deliver, so as to truly give the person speaking a chance to speak to our very soul -- not just to our superficial thoughts and senses.
This act of meditation calms us down and prepares us for the kind of delayed gratification we need in order to formulate a response that is really both truthful and kind. Maybe in a live conversation that means there will be some silences in between the conversing people's replies to each other -- but is that necessarily a bad thing? In this over-hurried world, we could use some more stillness and quietude. Seems paradoxical to hang so much of communication's best potential on the absence of speech, and it's true that speech's very purpose in life is to facilitate communication. But just as good writing contains punctuation (commas, periods, and the like), so does spoken (and written) language need the punctuation of listening, pondering, and learning.
If one puts oneself in a listening frame of mind, then one will be inclined to bypass the temptation to "seize the moment" with our convincing riposte, preferring instead to seek common ground with the other person and make sure we understood what they've said (not just assume we understand). A listening frame of mind is what will help one take the time to formulate the best words one can use -- not just the strongest words, but words that will contribute more to a world of healing (and less to a world of competition). In live conversation, a listening frame of mind will help us to speak from a place of calm and softness (rather than of force and reprisal).
But to get into that listening frame of mind, we have to still our own thoughts and -- as you said LR -- delay that quick gratification that's so easy to seek.
I think part of the delayed gratification part of good communication skills is the part where you don't concern yourself so much with how well you express yourself, as you do how well you listen to what the other person has to say. Good listening means putting your own thoughts on hold. It means shifting out of teaching mode and into learning mode. "Okay, I am not going to try to teach this person anything right now, I am going to try to learn and let this person teach me." This is a key attitude that I think one needs to have if one wants to be a good listener. And IMO, listening, more than talking, is what constitutes the quality of one's communication skills.
I perceive good listening as a type of meditation. In meditation, we try to silence the chatter of our own minds so that we can step outside ourselves into the Universe and experience our built-in oneness with God or with All That Is (whatever word suits us for that concept). Similarly, when another person is talking to us, we (should) try to quiet the smarts and comebacks our own minds want to deliver, so as to truly give the person speaking a chance to speak to our very soul -- not just to our superficial thoughts and senses.
This act of meditation calms us down and prepares us for the kind of delayed gratification we need in order to formulate a response that is really both truthful and kind. Maybe in a live conversation that means there will be some silences in between the conversing people's replies to each other -- but is that necessarily a bad thing? In this over-hurried world, we could use some more stillness and quietude. Seems paradoxical to hang so much of communication's best potential on the absence of speech, and it's true that speech's very purpose in life is to facilitate communication. But just as good writing contains punctuation (commas, periods, and the like), so does spoken (and written) language need the punctuation of listening, pondering, and learning.
If one puts oneself in a listening frame of mind, then one will be inclined to bypass the temptation to "seize the moment" with our convincing riposte, preferring instead to seek common ground with the other person and make sure we understood what they've said (not just assume we understand). A listening frame of mind is what will help one take the time to formulate the best words one can use -- not just the strongest words, but words that will contribute more to a world of healing (and less to a world of competition). In live conversation, a listening frame of mind will help us to speak from a place of calm and softness (rather than of force and reprisal).
But to get into that listening frame of mind, we have to still our own thoughts and -- as you said LR -- delay that quick gratification that's so easy to seek.
ColorsWolf
New member
This is a thing?~ Really?~
Seriously?~
People really need a "movement" to actually be honest, seriously?~
I'm already like this and have been for a long time.~
It's obviously not the truth of what you're saying that is always "offensive", but how you say it.~
I've found that cussing and using slang is actually more lying and confusion from me, because I meant to say some thing else.~
I had this problem in the Navy and since getting discharged from it I have been working on this.~
Now I try to slow down, take a few breaths, and focus my mind on what I really want to say.~
See the problem I have is not "lying", it's my mouth spewing this uneducated slang instead of saying what my mind is intentionally trying to convey.~
So instead of saying, "Please be quiet." I might say "Shut the ****-up, you **********ing *******!"~ etc. etc.~
It's easier to talk online because I have more time to think over my messages.~
But seriously, "lying" to prevent what?~ "Embarrassment", "shame", etc.~?~
Trivial time-wasting nonsense!~
This world could use a lot more honesty instead of catering to the fantasies of what we think others desire.~
Instead of saying, "Me and my wife are happily married, we never fight, we're raising 3 beautiful children who are perfect angels."~
Be honest and say, "My wife and I have our tough patches, but we still love each other and work through them. I love to wear dresses and make-up, no I don't think those things have any thing to do with being a woman.~ My wife says I look beautiful to her.~ My wife on the other hand wants a sex-change operation, I have mixed feelings on that but I didn't marry her for her genitals alone!~ ^_^ Oh and our children can be monsters some times, but when they act up we just lock them outside the house for a few hours, they still have all the necessities outside such as toilet, food, water, shade, and warmth, but none of the other stuff they like like games or TV.~"
Seriously?~
People really need a "movement" to actually be honest, seriously?~
I'm already like this and have been for a long time.~
It's obviously not the truth of what you're saying that is always "offensive", but how you say it.~
I've found that cussing and using slang is actually more lying and confusion from me, because I meant to say some thing else.~
I had this problem in the Navy and since getting discharged from it I have been working on this.~
Now I try to slow down, take a few breaths, and focus my mind on what I really want to say.~
See the problem I have is not "lying", it's my mouth spewing this uneducated slang instead of saying what my mind is intentionally trying to convey.~
So instead of saying, "Please be quiet." I might say "Shut the ****-up, you **********ing *******!"~ etc. etc.~
It's easier to talk online because I have more time to think over my messages.~
But seriously, "lying" to prevent what?~ "Embarrassment", "shame", etc.~?~
Trivial time-wasting nonsense!~
This world could use a lot more honesty instead of catering to the fantasies of what we think others desire.~
Instead of saying, "Me and my wife are happily married, we never fight, we're raising 3 beautiful children who are perfect angels."~
Be honest and say, "My wife and I have our tough patches, but we still love each other and work through them. I love to wear dresses and make-up, no I don't think those things have any thing to do with being a woman.~ My wife says I look beautiful to her.~ My wife on the other hand wants a sex-change operation, I have mixed feelings on that but I didn't marry her for her genitals alone!~ ^_^ Oh and our children can be monsters some times, but when they act up we just lock them outside the house for a few hours, they still have all the necessities outside such as toilet, food, water, shade, and warmth, but none of the other stuff they like like games or TV.~"
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Disclaimer: I didn't read the article.
But on the subject of honesty, I think LovingRadiance said it well, about saying true things in a loving way. Hubby prides himself on always being completely honest, but in the past in the name of being honest, he's said some pretty hurtful things. After yet another argument caused by what I perceived as him being harsh, I asked him to think about how he phrases things when he's trying to be honest with me.
It had apparently never occurred to him that instead of saying things like "Wow, you look really awful in that dress," he could say something like "I think that dress might not be a good choice for you," and still be honest and make his point without causing hurt feelings. He's learned to stop and think about how to gently phrase what he wants to say, and I've learned not to take it personally if his honesty comes across more brutally than I'd prefer.
ColorsWolf also said it well, it's *how* you say the truth, not the fact that you're telling the truth.
But on the subject of honesty, I think LovingRadiance said it well, about saying true things in a loving way. Hubby prides himself on always being completely honest, but in the past in the name of being honest, he's said some pretty hurtful things. After yet another argument caused by what I perceived as him being harsh, I asked him to think about how he phrases things when he's trying to be honest with me.
It had apparently never occurred to him that instead of saying things like "Wow, you look really awful in that dress," he could say something like "I think that dress might not be a good choice for you," and still be honest and make his point without causing hurt feelings. He's learned to stop and think about how to gently phrase what he wants to say, and I've learned not to take it personally if his honesty comes across more brutally than I'd prefer.
ColorsWolf also said it well, it's *how* you say the truth, not the fact that you're telling the truth.
I consider myself radically honest in my marriage, I first heard the term in the Marriage Builders materials 7 years or so ago and have tried to stick to it since then, I think successfully.
I absolutely think that honesty should not be used as an excuse for meanness, there is always a kind and loving way to say something, and for me it means being honest about all the positive thoughts you have about someone too, regardless of how embarrassing or vulnerable that can feel at the time.
We have had some rough times adjusting to this level of honesty, but that was only because there were secrets built up over the preceding years (we'd been together nine years already). The long term effects have been wonderful, a level of intimacy, passion and security I never knew was possible.
One of my most telling moments was when my husband admitted my weight was a problem for him making him less sexually attracted to me. Our sex life had diminished and I hadn't known why and when I asked him if it was my weight he denied it. I was unhappy, not getting the closeness I needed and I wasn't at a place where I could diet and lose the weight with no hope of it changing things between us, however his honesty (combined with a whole load of care and kindness once he realised I wasn't going to condemn him for his feelings) gave me the roadmap to improving things. Over the next few months I lost all the weight and our sex life returned and became amazing, he opened up about lots more things as did I and we learned not only to be able to speak up but to hear each other with compassion.
Seven years on, things get better every year. With this level of honesty, there is no getting bored. All the time your spouse is changing, their desires and dreams are not stagnant and there is no maintaining an illusion of such when you are accustomed to sharing all. This for us not only keeps things emotionally intimate but sexually too.
Discovering poly was just another part of our journey into honesty, my feelings for another man were confessed immediately so much more easily because of the practice we had had over so many other issues. My husband's trust in me to care for our marriage and to make sure I wasn't leaving necessary details uncommunicated was there simply because of the honesty we had already displayed.
I absolutely think that honesty should not be used as an excuse for meanness, there is always a kind and loving way to say something, and for me it means being honest about all the positive thoughts you have about someone too, regardless of how embarrassing or vulnerable that can feel at the time.
We have had some rough times adjusting to this level of honesty, but that was only because there were secrets built up over the preceding years (we'd been together nine years already). The long term effects have been wonderful, a level of intimacy, passion and security I never knew was possible.
One of my most telling moments was when my husband admitted my weight was a problem for him making him less sexually attracted to me. Our sex life had diminished and I hadn't known why and when I asked him if it was my weight he denied it. I was unhappy, not getting the closeness I needed and I wasn't at a place where I could diet and lose the weight with no hope of it changing things between us, however his honesty (combined with a whole load of care and kindness once he realised I wasn't going to condemn him for his feelings) gave me the roadmap to improving things. Over the next few months I lost all the weight and our sex life returned and became amazing, he opened up about lots more things as did I and we learned not only to be able to speak up but to hear each other with compassion.
Seven years on, things get better every year. With this level of honesty, there is no getting bored. All the time your spouse is changing, their desires and dreams are not stagnant and there is no maintaining an illusion of such when you are accustomed to sharing all. This for us not only keeps things emotionally intimate but sexually too.
Discovering poly was just another part of our journey into honesty, my feelings for another man were confessed immediately so much more easily because of the practice we had had over so many other issues. My husband's trust in me to care for our marriage and to make sure I wasn't leaving necessary details uncommunicated was there simply because of the honesty we had already displayed.
Now that's the kind of Radical Honesty success story I like. You made a point to do it with considerate tongues and compassionate ears: honesty at its very best, and it got you over some formidable roadblocks. Thanks for sharing that account; I wish you even more intimacy and joy in the future.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
copperhead
New member
Yes. This exactly. There's two sides to honesty. Being honest when talking and when listening. I think it is easier to be honest when talking, to say what you mean and mean what you say. It is a lot harder to hear the truth from someone else. to be forced to face something you might not even have realized you were avoiding.
I've had so many thoughts while reading this thread, but I've been too busy to reply properly. I hope I'll find time for it soon.