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  #1  
Old 12-07-2013, 08:04 PM
polywalker polywalker is offline
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Default Moving out to salvage my relationship

This is my first post here and I'm sorry to say it's not really a good one.

I'm newish to poly. I've been in my current poly relationship for 3+ years now. It has also been my first. We are a V sometimes triad, live in. My partners are married to each other and have a young daughter. I've been with them since shortly before she was born. I have occasional outside play partners but nothing other than that. I also don't have much of a support system IRL. Most of my poly friends I met through my partners.

My boyfriend and I fell in love very, very quickly and NRE has transitioned into a very strong (I thought) and loving relationship.

My girlfriend is another story. She is and has been very distant the entire time that I have known her. She prefers her fantasy life of fanfiction and LARPing to myself, her husband, or her daughter. I've given up trying to connect on anymore than a superficial level because I just don't think she is capable of it.
She plays at being a girlfriend, or wife, or mother in the same way she plays characters in a LARP.

This is causing problems. Lots of them. Started out small but have built up over time, and now I don't feel that I can live in their house anymore. We are open to our families, and friends but not to the world at large. I live in their house, share their bed, help take care of their child and home...but I will never be an equal in their relationship. I had hoped that things would balance out given time...but they aren't. And I'm tired of waiting.

I told my boyfriend that I would be moving out after the holidays. I won't leave earlier, so as not to upset their young daughter. My boyfriend says he knows he has been selfish trying to keep me here, without any intention of changing.

I still have very strong feelings for him, and he for me. I would like to be able to still salvage some form of relationship with him, even though I understand that it will be drastically different than it is now.

Is this foolish of me? Has anyone successfully transitioned a relationship like this? Or should I just be cutting my losses before we can't stand the sight of each other?

Thank you.
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Old 12-08-2013, 03:10 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Relationship transitions work as long as everyone is on board with it. In other words, if she is ok with you moving out and keeping a relationship with just him, then it shouldn't be a problem. If she gets upset, and seeing that he is okay with status quo at your expense, then I suspect that the chances of it working out are slim.
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Old 12-09-2013, 02:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Hopefully you moving out improves your own environmental health so you can review the situation with some healthy distance. It's hard to feel good in a home that's an unpleasant environment. I'm sorry you are experiencing all this.

When you are ready to review what it is you have got there... since you mention a young kid... could this be postpartum depression? Or depression in general made WORSE by PPD?

The escapism and "going through the motions" made me wonder if that is something that could be considered when you are ready to assess if you still want to be in relationship here or not.

Hang in there, whatever you decide to do.

Galagirl
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Old 12-10-2013, 06:48 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi polywalker,
Sorry you're going through this emotional stress.

Re (from Post #1):
Quote:
"I still have very strong feelings for him, and he for me. I would like to be able to still salvage some form of relationship with him, even though I understand that it will be drastically different than it is now.
Is this foolish of me? Has anyone successfully transitioned a relationship like this? Or should I just be cutting my losses before we can't stand the sight of each other?"
What you're describing is a transition from a triad (or ex-triad) to a V, with considerable emotional distance, perhaps, between you and your girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend). You're also proposing to continue that (V) relationship without living with them.

On paper, there's no reason why such a thing would be impossible or unthinkable. I'm sure such transitions have been done before, with success. But now would be the time to present this proposal to both him and her. Both of them would have to agree to the idea before it could become an ethical reality. She in particular would have to agree to it. So I'd try to schedule a sit-down with them soon so the three of you can talk it over.

If your ex-girlfriend says no to the idea, then you'll probably have to leave it at that, unless your boyfriend wants to divorce her. But all three of you should be extremely reluctant to go down that road, especially when there's a child in the equation.

Probably the sooner you can talk to them about it the better, if for no other reason so that you know what to expect, and can start emotionally preparing yourself. Don't put all your eggs in that basket, but don't necessarily throw the basket away either, not until you've heard from your boyfriend and ex-girlfriend whether they're both willing to try it.

Good luck and I hope the advice here will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 12-12-2013, 02:12 AM
polywalker polywalker is offline
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Thank you for the kind replies.

The last few days have been incredibly intense for everyone in the house. As of yet there has been no discussion between the three of us about what may or may not happen. I've asked for a few days grace period before we have anymore discussion on the subject, before that happens. I need some time to reflect, and make sure I am making the best choices for my situation.

BigGuy and kdt26417: I realize that this is not likely to be an easy transition on anyone, and that my girlfriend ( I use that term because it is the easiest descriptor, although not truly correct) could make keeping any kind of relationships difficult or impossible. I accept that possibility even though it makes me sad to think about. Given distance, my relationship with my boyfriend could very well fizzle anyway. Those are maybes, and I know that things will end very badly if I don't make changes soon.

GalaGirl: While I definitely think that my girlfriend has some issues with depression; I have been told by many, many people that this is simply her personality. She needs to have a "role" to play in order to interact with other people, and she has a very poor grasp on interpersonal relationships of any sort. I would like her to get some help, but that is not something I can force her to do.
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Old 12-12-2013, 02:28 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Alas no, as any good therapist will tell you: they can only help their patient if their patient wants to be helped (and recognizes their need for help).

Taking some time to think all this stuff through carefully seems like a good idea to me. Just let us know if there's anything we can do to make the process a bit easier.

With regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 12-12-2013, 03:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
GalaGirl: While I definitely think that my girlfriend has some issues with depression; I have been told by many, many people that this is simply her personality. She needs to have a "role" to play in order to interact with other people, and she has a very poor grasp on interpersonal relationships of any sort. I would like her to get some help, but that is not something I can force her to do.
You alone maybe not. The legal husband with a close person? Maybe yes. If she is depressed to the point of hurting herself or others (ex: the child gets hurt because she's too depressed to _____.) he can document with another witness and seek out involuntary hospital commitment in some states for her to be evaluated. He could look into involuntary mental health evaluation laws where he lives to familiarize himself.

I am not saying you have this level of wacky over there -- only you all know what level it is.

I am just saying that there could be options the husband could be investigating for the well being of his wife.

Whether or not you and he continue as a couple or not? His wife sounds like she needs care and this had been a lifelong condition. Other people have noticed it. It's not new. The husband could know what DX he lives with here so he could know what to expect. Even if the wife is not ready/willing/able to put in the work toward healing at this time? They could choose to know the DX together if she is fit enough to go get checked out with his support. And if at this time her illness incapacitates her so she cannot make health decisions like that for herself, he could take other steps to know the dx.

Whether they/he even want to know a formal dx -- that's another story.

GL with whatever you decide is best for YOU though. Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-12-2013 at 04:38 AM.
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