Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #711  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:23 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 512
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Some parents do the absolutely most, though. They set out to embarrass their children. I hope I do not ever do that. I am ripping a page out of my parents book on parenting during my childrens' teen years.
I read Jayde's comments at some length last night. I think her parents' are not setting out to embarrass her, but merely do not care how their actions affect her. They have an agenda. They have decided the world must accept their lifestyle, and therefore merely dismiss how all of this is affecting their own daughter. They simply want what they want and brush aside anything that suggests they're hurting others along the way.
Reply With Quote
  #712  
Old 11-12-2013, 05:53 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I read Jayde's comments at some length last night. I think her parents' are not setting out to embarrass her, but merely do not care how their actions affect her. They have an agenda. They have decided the world must accept their lifestyle, and therefore merely dismiss how all of this is affecting their own daughter. They simply want what they want and brush aside anything that suggests they're hurting others along the way.
Mmhm. Terrible. I am sorry, but some people should not be allowed to procreate.

If she is old enough, I would tell her to find a job and pay for her own counselling. Our therapist works on a sliding scale, so given the circumstances, maybe her therapist or counsellor would be willing to work with her. I am not sure where she lives, but our laws have been amended so treatment is easily accessible. With all the suicides in the world, they want to protect our children and allow them access to mental health treatment. It is smart because it just might save a child's life. It reinforces that they are not alone and that someone cares. This came about because some parents were not signing off on their children getting the help they needed. I cannot fathom stopping either of my children from finding a confidante and seeking help. If a child is deemed as competent and mature enough to consent to a confidential patient-counsellor/therapist relationship, they can seek treatment without consent from the parents or guardians. The law protects a minor's right to privacy, so the context of those sessions are protected.
__________________
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #713  
Old 11-12-2013, 07:57 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,421
Default

Re (from Jayde):
Quote:
"They were determined to make my moment about validating her and showing the world that three parents and polyamory isn't harmful to kids."
Up, oh! Ow ... deer-in-headlights moment, score one for the other team, that was a stinger. And why was it a stinger? cause Jayde was a little too incisively on target for even the nicest polyamorist's comfort ...

I feel like I've dumped a spider outside and said, "There you go, see I've saved you." Or like I've dumped my now-grown cat out on the street and said, "There you go, now you can fly and be free!"

TL/DR: Score = sad/stunning/paralyzing.

Re (from FullofLove1052):
Quote:
"I am sorry, but some people should not be allowed to procreate."
Ahem; yes that's, something I've fancied as true for some three decades now (and counting) ...

So let me get this straight: Jayde (a "terrible" teen) is *asking* for counseling, and her (two? three?) folks are essentially telling her, "No you may not get counseling." Wow ... what a turnaround from the stereotypical parent/teen dynamic! [shaking head]

I guess it's true that kids don't usually get a choice about whether they'll now have a new brother or sister. But a new parent? Now pay attention poly people everywhere: *Yes* the child should *absolutely* have a say in that decision. Dad and Mom having an extra partner is one thing (and not necessarily a good thing either all by itself). Promoting that partner to "extra parent" (without the kids' okay!) is quite another thing!

Sheesh; even a monogamous parent divorcing and remarrying doth not automatically a new parent make. New partner? New spouse? Certainly, and the re-marrying adult does get to make that call (presuming the newcomer is a basically civil/reasonable person). But new parent? No, no no no. Yes in dictionary terms a new stepparent now exists, but that's not really a relationship dynamic type a child should be forced into. Let the stepparent earn the child's consent, assuming even that suffices in the child's opinion!

IDK, I guess you could argue that an infant can't convey consent or non-consent, and where do you draw the line and all that. I just wonder if we as a society don't need to alter our whole add-a-parent/replace-a-parent perspective, and that's not even a polyamory-versus-monogamy issue. At the very least a child who has some maturity about him/her should be given a huge amount of say in how he/she will represent his/her own relationship with the new partner. Alright, tell me I'm out of line here if I am. I'm a big boy, I've been out of line before, I can handle it. Perhaps my take on it is at least understandable though, yes?
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #714  
Old 12-24-2013, 11:30 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default

First and foremost, Merry Christmas to those on this side of the world with me, and Merry Christmas Eve to the rest of the world!

Nine months ago, I watched my world collapse and fall into utter disarray. 2013 has been a very trying year on all fronts, but I can say with absolute certainty that this year is going to end on a high note.

After my relationship with Si ended, I found myself wondering, "What next?" That was a rough period. DH and I were fighting, and at times, I am not even sure why we were fighting. The trust was one sided. I was stressed, losing weight, and crying to the point of being all cried out. I decided to put every ounce of strength and love I had into my marriage, my children, our family, and charity work. From the ashes of what our lives used to be arose the most unexpected and beautiful surprise. We met this little girl who would reshape our lives and make us work our arses off to rebuild our marriage.

After we met her, something kicked in that was never there before. We were hungry for a healthy marriage and friendship with one another. We both saw the future, and we had a vision of what needed to be done to get it done. We agreed to do whatever it took. If it meant upping the number of sessions, crying, being very direct and painfully honest, so be it. Weakness was not allowed. We started operating as a team and a unit. It was like the old days. We attended a marriage retreat, and all the walls that were up finally came down. I see the future, and honey, there is no other man for me. I may not have believed in fairytales and happily ever after, but he is the closest thing I could possibly get to "the one." I am drunk in love with DH.

I am now able to speak on this, and I want to share some happy news after the very sad year we have had marriage and family wise. DH and I underwent the lengthy process to become foster carers (parents), and by the grace of God, we were approved. Our newest family member has been with us since Friday, and though this was not how I expected my year to end, it has been the most wonderful blessing. I love her like I brought her in this world. It is safe to say that poly is not part of my future. My children are 14, 5, and 1.5. To say the least, my hands are more full than ever before. I would rather give my all to all three of my babies and DH than give love and time to another adult. I have everything I need, and I could not ask for more.

I am blessed more than I could ever deserve because I was given a second chance at our marriage and a second chance to be a better mummy to my little duckies. Not too long ago, I took my family for granted, and they are my world now. There is nothing that compares to my baby running into my arms and saying, "mummy." There is nothing that compares to being in DH's arms and hearing his heartbeat. There is nothing that compares to recording Instagram videos of my five year old singing, "Call Me, Maybe" and dancing to her heart's content.

I have done some much needed maturing and growing up. It is no longer all about me, what I want, what I need, what makes me happy, and what will make me feel good. I have made some massive changes. I refuse to work over 40 hours a week. If I miss out on money, who cares? I dropped my maiden name, and I am going by my married name. Professionally and privately. I was holding on to my maiden name because I was poly. Maiden name = availability. I bought into that belief that sharing a name equals DH owning me or me being his property. Lies. All lies. I am still me. I am my own woman. I own my heart. I belong to me. One facet of my identity is DH's wife. Other facets? Mum of three, the professional side, and the grown woman who has come into her own this year.

I appreciate each and every one of who you who gave advice. The good and the bad. I am not sure what is going to happen from here on out, but I do know that we are going to stay married and continue putting our family above all. I have missed posting on here, but I needed a break to really analyse and figure out, "Does poly belong in my life?" As much as the old me would have said, "yes," the new me says, "no." I am not going to be keeping my blog up because I have detached even further from the side of me that was once poly. My old life has no semblance of what my new life is. I still believe it works for people. I believe it can be something wonderful and inspiring. However, it is not for me. I know myself well enough to know that even after my children are grown and off to university, it is still not going to be something I will ever attempt again. My, how I have changed! It was more or less a temporary dwelling (12+ years), and I have moved on to the next thing.

I wish all of the you the happiest of holidays, and I hope you enjoy your partners, lovers, husbands, wives, friends, family, children, and anyone you are spending the holidays with. Hugs from me to each and every single one of you that read this! The absolute best and nothing less! I am not sure about you guys, but I am ready for 2014. There are some great things on the horizon.

Ry
__________________
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #715  
Old 12-25-2013, 01:12 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default Happy Holidays.

I have always read your words with a deep respect; you are eloquent and have wonderful self knowledge. Watching this journey of yours has been an honour in a lot of ways - an intimate peek into your psychology and private world. While there is part of me that wishes that my story had turned out like yours, I take a lot of joy in hearing how happy you are, how centred you feel, and how much you have grown in love and joy.

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christmas Season. I hope you won't be a stranger on here - you have such wisdom and grace, and I know I for one would miss you.
Reply With Quote
  #716  
Old 12-25-2013, 09:43 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,421
Default

Exciting news about the foster caring thing, but I can't remember which age belongs to which child. Post a little scorecard here sometime for me ...

I'm really glad to hear about how well everything's come out for you, and I really like the way you validate both monogamy and polyamory. Now if the rest of the world could just follow suit.

I, too, think 2014 is looking like a good year. I hope that'll be true for all of us.

Thanks for sharing your journey with us, and I wish you all the best. Remember, you're always welcome here if/when you should ever need us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #717  
Old 12-26-2013, 12:47 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,501
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Exciting news about the foster caring thing, but I can't remember which age belongs to which child. Post a little scorecard here sometime for me ...
Her birth children are 5 and 1.5. The newly fostered/adopted girl is 14. Wow, that is a big change, to add a teenager to your family. It seems so sudden! You never mentioned it before.

Best of luck, I am happy you found your niche and your integrity.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #718  
Old 12-26-2013, 08:10 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,421
Default

Scorecard appreciated.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #719  
Old 12-27-2013, 04:31 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 758
Default

Glad to see an update, Ry. Hope you all had a nice Christmas and have a great new year. Best of luck with the new addition to the household - adding a teenager to the mix cannot be easy, but it sounds rewarding.

My best to everyone.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #720  
Old 12-27-2013, 07:25 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default

Thank you! I hope you all enjoyed your holidays. It is summertime at home, and Christmas in the summer is an odd concept for me. I am used to temperatures barely above/below freezing and snow, but we were on the beach and soaking up the sun. I am happy my children enjoyed themselves. That is really all I could ask for. We have started our annual New Years' holiday, so I am happy to be still for a few days.

I never imagined that we would foster and ultimately adopt a teenager. An older child was on my mind, though. It saddened me when I found out that children 12+ usually age out at 18 and never have a sense of family or stability. People gravitate towards the ones that are younger because they believe they can form attachments and get to them before they are too damaged.

I knew I wanted to have another child, but after my last pregnancy, I snapped back to reality. We looked at alternate options, and through one of the charities we both work with, the idea of fostering a child became more than a conversational piece. The idea appealed to us. We have been blessed, and while we cannot take in every child, we did love the idea of having the ability to possibly improve the quality of a child's life.

We met her, and it was really organic. She was waiting to be placed for the umpteenth time, so I was making small talk and getting to know her and the other young people in the home. We felt a connection with her, and over the months, we built a rapport with her. In my mind, I had set a time frame in mid-late 2014 or even 2015, but the powers that be set something entirely different in motion. The person that was supposed to foster her fell through, and it was like opportunity knocking. It felt right, and DH agreed. It was not an overnight decision. We had upwards of five months to pull the plug, but that was never an option to us.

Is this bound to be challenging? Yes! She is a teenager. That in itself is a scary thought. (Cringing at my own teenage years.) Add in her history and most people would run away. We are embracing it. We have undergone training, so we are well aware that things might not always be this perfect. I have a 15 year old brother, so we have our work cut out. We are not on our own. We have a team to help ease the transition, numerous training sessions keep us educated, and caring professionals to support the entire family. We feel confident in our ability to successfully integrate her into our family and legally make her a member of our family.

We are adopting her, and we are the first couple to pursue and carry out the interest in adopting her. We started the process, and if we are lucky, it might will be finalised before 2014 ends. I am not expecting a quick turnaround when it comes to dealing with the courts because adoptions are not very common in our particular state.

If I truly believed in poly or even just had poly tendencies, the one thing I must have believed at some point was that love was infinite and expansive. Instead of channeling my love and time into a second romantic relationship, I opted to pursue something that felt like my calling. It became a choice. In my mind, there was no way to foster/adopt a child, be there for her, and maintain what my family has now with pursuing poly again. I realise love is infinite, but time is finite. I made entirely too many mistakes in the past regarding my time and how I divvied out my time.

This has already been incredibly rewarding. I am learning more and more about myself. My heart is overflowing with love, and I have been humbled to the core. I have a new respect for those individuals that survive harrowing experiences and rough upbringings. I had empathy before, but it has made me stop and take stock of my own blessings. I am blessed to have never experienced what she and others have, and my attitude reflects such. I make sure to tell my parents that I love them every day. Every day with my family is my lucky day. I am simply happy to wake up and a get a chance to better than I was yesterday.

Personal growth is a beautiful thing.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, from poly to mono, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:18 AM.