left out of the NRE

purpleboots said:

Ouch. Fyi, I haven't written anything off completely. I am, however being advised by strangers on the internet to write my family off completely. Forgive me for not immediately following that advice. I have seriously considered it. I think that my desire and incentive to save my family merits more than a week of contemplation. I can't expect or ask the same patience from folks on the internet. And I don't.

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All right, that's fair. I'm glad to hear that you are putting a plan together. Just having a good plan already gives you a lot more power than you had. It will give you confidence. They will hear that confidence in your voice and see it in your body language.

It's great that the last two days have been better. But don't let your guard down. Use the fact that they can do it for a couple days show you and them that they are capable of it, and remind them that you expect that permanently. This is not to be a token measure, this is meant to be new behaviour. Call them on it every time their behaviour does not match the agreement.

Sorry, baby brain. I also meant to say in response to that quote

THAT is what people mean about actions speaking louder than words. Not a few days, not a cuddle and a night of pampering.

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Yes, it's easy for me to forget when things are good again how bad they JUST were. But I haven't forgotten this time. It will take a lot of action to make things better, a lot of work. I am trying to be optimistic right now, but I am aware there is a lot of work ahead.

It's great that the last two days have been better. But don't let your guard down. Use the fact that they can do it for a couple days show you and them that they are capable of it, and remind them that you expect that permanently. This is not to be a token measure, this is meant to be new behaviour. Call them on it every time their behaviour does not match the agreement.

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Yes, absolutely. That is exactly my plan.

I certainly have no objections to "using" him for room & board. He's had no reservations about using you as a baby sitter, and I'm sure H won't either when her baby comes.

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I'm going with "when" and not "if" on that one...

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If they are having a baby now, I am out. I have made that very clear and will stick to my guns on that one. I will not be their nanny and am not a willing to coparent their child any time soon.

For what it's worth, I don't plan to abandon this thread, purpleboots. If you're still posting here, I'll still be posting here. Others may move on and that's their privelage. To be honest, a thread that runs nearly 150 posts long is a pretty well-populated thread. Not everyone wants (or has the time) to read that much material and respond to it, and sometimes that's the reason why it "fizzles out." But I'm willing to continue to help any way I can, as long as you want to keep the thread going, and who knows there may be others who continue to post as well.

Re (from SchrodingersCat):

"It's great that the last two days have been better. But don't let your guard down. Use the fact that they can do it for a couple days show you and them that they are capable of it, and remind them that you expect that permanently. This is not to be a token measure, this is meant to be new behaviour. Call them on it every time their behaviour does not match the agreement."

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I second that.

Re (from purpleboots):

"If they are having a baby now, I am out. I have made that very clear and will stick to my guns on that one. I will not be their nanny and am not willing to coparent their child any time soon."

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That's the spirit. Have limits of what you'll let them do without taking action of your own.

Hi guys, I'm back....

I considered posting in a new thread, but since I am still writing about my feelings re being left out of the NRE, I decided to just post here again.
Since the last time I wrote, Garth, Helen and I have slipped into a fairly stable orbit.

They were doing a good job taking care of my feelings. Helen is not pregnant. They've been using protection.

I've been ok. The jealousy is still very rocky for me, but I've been managing to cope with them having sex more often with each other and still infrequently with me. They come to bed with me afterwards, which really helps a lot. Usually I'm fine, but on nights where I wish I was having sex, I am still struggling with feeling left out.

I don't know what I'm asking for, I guess. I'm trying to sort through my feelings and find the root of my jealousy and work on it. I have been struggling with feelings that Garth isn't really interested in having sex with me, and is less affectionate with me than Helen. I realize that it's not fair to compare, and that will only lead to feelings of imbalance, but sometimes I can't help myself.

I talked to Garth about it. He said if I want to have sex with him, I should try to initiate more. Some part of me resents that, that he won't try to seduce me. And I fear rejection.

I have all but given up trying to have a sexual relationship with Helen. If it happens, great. But I don't have the emotional energy to try to initiate with her and face potential rejection.

None of us are really satisfied. We all want to be having sex more. I know I am an obstacle for them, perhaps for myself too.

Garth and I had an argument last night and Helen felt caught in the middle. We are supposed to have a big talk tonight. I don't know what to say. Part of me, I think, is just waiting for her to move on so I can have my life back. Part of me doesn't want her to leave. I enjoy her companionship when I am not feeling territorial.

I am also very pregnant now. My hormones are crazy. I'm just so tired. All this emotional work is really hard.

Anyway, blah. I don't know what to say tonight. I'm having such a hard time sorting my feelings out.

purpleboots said:

I talked.to G about it and he said if I want to have sex with him I should try to initiate more. Some part of me resents that, that he won't try to seduce me. And I fear rejection.

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When he said that to you, that was the perfect opportunity to tell him your terms. But you can also do it tonight. If I were you, I'd say, "You want me to initiate more. I'm sorry, but that is not my style. I am telling you right now that I want more sex, AND I want to be seduced. I want to feel desired, and it's hard to feel desired when I have to do all the work to get your attention and share in sexual intimacy with you. I would like you to make more of an effort to not only include me, but to pursue me."

Thank you for affirming that I have the right to ask that. I am doing a lot of soul searching today and realizing that I have a pattern of not being firm and explicit enough about what I need, and then feeling like a victim when I don't receive it. Or feeling like I don't have a right to demand or insist upon things, but then feel slighted when they don't happen.

Like, I was driving Helen to work this morning, and she said something along the lines of this issue really being about sex with Garth, and that I don't really care about sex with her. In reality, I just don't feel that I can ask for more sex with her. Her response was, 'Well, why not?'

Oh.

I guess all these things stem from deep fears of rejection and failure, and from past emotional trauma from giving too much and not getting back, which is something I am careful not to do now. But I kind of AM doing it now, aren't I? And I do have a choice not to.

Hey poly forum, thanks for being a sounding board for my introspection. And thanks, NYCindie, for responding, despite your prior frustration with me for not running for the hills.

Still working on what to say, but I've got a couple talking points now.

Sounds promising. And I agree, you should stick up for yourself and your wants and needs. Don't be afraid to ask.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Just for perspective, when my bf comes over (about once a week, we don't all live together) and we have lots of sex, when we are done in the evening, I check in with my gf and give her sex too, if she feels like she wants some. I never mind sex with two people one after the other.

We live in a small house, so she can hear my bf and me going at it, and I don't think it's fair to her to let her hear that, maybe get turned on, and be left hanging and unfulfilled. Even if she's doesn't want sex, I let the bf go to bed, and then I go hang out with her cuddling and watching TV or talking for an hour or more just to reconnect. Then I go to bed with the bf. He and I get up earlier than her, so we have a morning session too, while the gf sleeps. Everyone seems satisfied with this arrangement.

I hope you can learn to be more confident your needs matter as much as G's and H's needs, and learn to ask for what you want and need. And get it!

I just wanted to let you guys know, things have been going really well. The NRE is calming down, which is obviously making things easier for me. Helen and I are communicating better and our relationship has improved a lot. I think I am better at dealing with her moodiness because of this. It's affecting me much less strongly now that I feel our connection is firmer, that she doesn't resent me, etc. We also got a bigger bed recently, that has relieved some tension.

Things are about to change again, as the baby is due in less than a month. Hopefully the strength we have been building will help us manage the combined stress of a newborn and keeping our triad healthy and happy.

I am still having some trust issues related to safe sex, but they have kept their word, been using protection, so that trust is slowly rebuilding. All in all, everything is going super well. Yay!

Glad to hear things are improving!

GG

I'm pulling for you. It sounds promising.