Greetings from TN

[naturalblue]

Originally Posted by learninginTN

I've had it.

Well, it seems that you are coming up against your breaking point, and who could blame you. I hope your session went well!

[learninginTN]

The session was OK. I think hearing me tell the counsellor a couple of times I was ready to end the experiment because of the trouble it is costing us really shocked W. She ended up promising to make more of an effort to start meeting my needs. She still tends to go on and on about how I claim I'm giving so much, but she thinks I'm giving only so I can "get" in return. I counter, as always, with the fact that I'm not going to continue too much longer without having my needs met, and that everyone in any relationship is there because it meets some needs, else what is the point?

In any event, I have a date tonight with a girl I like a lot, and am meeting up with another woman Friday night for a more in-depth date, so those things are getting me out of my funk a little.

[SNeacail]

It always struck me funny how things I said in counceling came as a shock to my husband. These items were NOT new and had been said a dozen time previously to his face. It's a real double edge sword, on the one hand it's a good thing when things change for the better, but on the other, it hurts to know he was only willing to pay attention when he was in danger of having an outsider think he was a selfish bastard. In the end, the good out weighed the negative and sometimes we all need an outsider to slap us upside the head and call us on our shit.

[YouAreHere]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

it hurts to know he was only willing to pay attention when he was in danger of having an outsider think he was a selfish bastard.

My ex-husband continually refused to go to counseling, and, when we were separated, thanked me for not bitching about him to my friends. It's sad to see that there are people who care more about how they're perceived by others, rather than caring about the state of their relationships with those they love (or purport to love). The good thing is that your husband and TN's wife agreed to counseling in the first place, and opened themselves up to hearing what a third party thinks. It's a big step.

TN, I'm glad your wife finally heard you, regardless of the circumstances. I hope things start improving.

[kdt26417]

Re (from learninginTN, Post #102):

"She still tends to go on and on about how I claim I'm giving so much, but she thinks I'm giving only so I can 'get' in return."

Couldn't the same accusation be directed at her? Not that it should be; a healthy relationship is a cooperative effort, not a competition. There's a difference between, "I'm gonna get as much as I can get," and, "There's just certain minimums that I need."

I hope she keeps her promise to do better, and I hope the dates you're going on are helping a little.

[learninginTN]

I hope she does, too. The dating is certainly making me feel much better, though, and certainly is boosting my morale. Last night's date was so refreshing and fun. We sat and talked about my unique lifestyle, and she said she had been researching it, and even talked about a recent "Rikki Lake" show about polyamory. It was so wonderful seeing someone on the other side of the table laughing and smiling. Plus she showed a little cleavage.

Here's a text conversation W and I had after my date:

ME: Damn, that was fun.
W: What was?
ME: The date.
W: Why?
ME: I think it's because she's always laughing and smiling.
W: That's because she doesn't live with you and the girls.
ME: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to come across as a dig at you.

<silence>

[learninginTN]

Oh, and here's another lovely conversation we had by phone. W's guy is a chiropractor, and she's been after me to let him adjust our girls. Now, on a professional level, I'm not opposed to this. I know he's competent, and it may do them some good, although I'm also not totally sold on the benefits of this stuff. In any event, it would be the first time the girls have met him, and I insist on being there for that. I want to watch how he interacts with the girls, and interacts with W while the girls are there, etc.

Now, my schedule is tight, and I told her if I get enough advance notice I can arrange to get out of work early to accompany them. She wants to go ahead and do it sooner, and even wants to go without me, which I am adamantly against. She keeps after me on this, again trying to talk me out of my feelings on this issue. Finally she just said she's considering "doing it anyway".

If she actually does this, then it is definitely going to be a deal breaker for me, and I'm going to have a long talk with her guy and end the polyamory.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by learninginTN

Finally she just said she's considering "doing it anyway".

If she actually does this, then it is definitely going to be a deal breaker for me, and I'm going to have a long talk with her guy and end the polyamory.

Oh FUCK NO!!!!!

Frankly this is downright scarey/creepy behavior. If I were you, I would call the guy (and your wife) right now and tell him that if he so much as touches your kids you will call the police. Why is she so all hell bent on having her guy get his hand on her kids. This is not a doctor looking at an injury, she's pushing to have him touch your children in an intimate personal way, just because.

[Anneintherain]

I'm all for chiropractic for children, but there is no way in hell that I would want that to be the first meeting, IMO that is something that should be done after there's not a stressful dynamic going on, kids sense stress and their bodies wont be receptive to being adjusted and they could end up reacting badly to it (most likely scenario muscle spasms).

AKA Maybe a 4th or 5th interaction with him I'd see that would be fine..AFTER you and your wife get your shit figured out. As far as I've ever seen, even if one partner thinks a metamour is OK, if the hinge is acting in a crappy way, the situation cannot end positively unless they start being a good partner to - in this case - YOU again.

edit: You should ask him not to adjust them (without your presence, or at all, if that's what you want), if he is ethical at all he will not adjust them without your consent. I don't know the legalities in your state about adjusting without both parents permission, but considering he is dating your wife he'd be really stupid to do it if you didn't want him to, as opposed to if you and she were divorced, where it would likely be more permissible to do it with only one parents consent.

Anne, DC

[dingedheart]

What about medical relevance??? Aren't they really young ..?? 6,7,8


Outside of giving this guy something to do ...giving a free service ...what value is this going to have.???? Seems nuts ...really nuts ...she doesnt like being around them why would she want to drag them off to have something like this done ?