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  #471  
Old 10-09-2012, 11:28 PM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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My input - I got engaged at 18, married at 19. But that is because I grew up with the "do-not-have-sex-before-you-get-married" idea, and I also wanted kids asap. I now have a kid and am getting divorced.

If I had to do it over again, I would have had sex sooner and not gotten married. I only got married because I thought it was a prerequisite to the things I DID want. Also because my husband really wanted to get married.

I personally don't see why you would get married young if you're poly.
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  #472  
Old 10-10-2012, 01:24 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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Maybe I am just the odd one out, but I would not agree to become engaged unless I actually was ready to get married. We didn't view it as a time to think about getting married; we took that time to plan the wedding!

But we talked about things before getting engaged so we knew we were both ready. In fact, we went ring shopping together although he bought it later on his own.

We did live together for 3 years prior to getting engaged, but we met very young. Granted, though; it's a lot easier to recover from a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
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  #473  
Old 10-10-2012, 02:17 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by SkylerSquirrel View Post
If I had to do it over again, I would have had sex sooner and not gotten married. I only got married because I thought it was a prerequisite to the things I DID want.
My Dad inadvertently gave me some great advice that helped reinforce the "sex sooner...married later (or never)" model that I was already following. Neither of my parents were great at the "sex talks" (to put it mildly). One day, at the age of 17, I was subjected to his awkward attempt at this (which was uncomfortable, but somewhat amusing, as I had started having sex-without-attachment a year earlier by deliberate choice - more info in my blog here).

Basically, he said that while, of course, it was better to wait until you were married to have sex (token acknowledgement of what parents are supposed to say to their teenage daughters)...at the same time he thought that many people (him perhaps? I wonder...) ending up getting married for the sole reason that they wanted to have sex with a particular person, and that he felt that that was not a good reason to get married. That, although sex had potential negative consequences that should be considered seriously, it would be better to have sex outside of the context of marriage than to get married just so you could have sex and wind up in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life. (Apparently, divorce does not happen in our family...and, if it does, we talk about it, in hushed tones, even once all of the people involved are long- DEAD...Jeesh!)

(Fast Forward) Twenty years later we are having a conversation at a family gathering and he comes out with the statement that he was somewhat worried that all three of his daughters got married "too young" and may have "missed out" and that he feels guilty for not giving us better guidance. Meanwhile, all three of us got married at 22-26 and have been happily married for 10+ years. I assured him that I have not "missed out" on anything! (...I didn't elaborate) (I can't vouch for my sisters - I know that one sister had at least one other sexual partner before she got married - her long-term college boyfriend. I would bet money that the other was a virgin on her wedding day. On the other hand, they seem happy enough with their choices...)

JaneQ
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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


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The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-10-2012 at 02:22 AM.
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  #474  
Old 10-10-2012, 02:48 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Maybe I am just the odd one out, but I would not agree to become engaged unless I actually was ready to get married. We didn't view it as a time to think about getting married; we took that time to plan the wedding!

But we talked about things before getting engaged so we knew we were both ready. In fact, we went ring shopping together although he bought it later on his own.

We did live together for 3 years prior to getting engaged, but we met very young. Granted, though; it's a lot easier to recover from a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
I don't think that you're the "odd one out" - sounds like you went through similar stages as GG and I. It's more that we have different ideas as to which stage the term "engagement" applies to - you and I put it at the end, after all the important conversations have already happened.. GG put it at the "contemplation" phase and the important conversations were part of the "engagement" process.

Benefit to a long engagement...this is what the "wedding industry" is now geared up for. We got engaged in December, and elected to get married in June (six months later). Around February I started looking for a wedding dress, after we had decided what kind of ceremony etc. we wanted - "four months", I thought, "plenty of time" I thought...I started looking for a wedding dress (having, of course, never done this before). So I started at a "Bridal Shop"...they asked when the wedding was, I said June, they asked what year, I said "this one", they said it couldn't be ready by then without a WHOLE LOT of money, I left.

I ended up finding an awesome dress at a fabulous private wedding/formal consignment shop in Philly. My dress cost (wait, let me look at the receipt) $401.25 with another $125 in alterations (from a size 12 down to a size 2 - with a permanent bustle of the train - because I was getting married outside on the grass - and a dress-bust modification which meant that I didn't have to wear a bra, which took...two weeks with ONE fitting). With never a raised eyebrow (even when my then-fiance accompanied me, solo, to the dress-choosing)...I think I lucked out...

JaneQ

PS. Don't get me started on my wedding, it was perfect...for us. Everything and everyone conspired to make me feel...so happy, so cherished, so...us.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #475  
Old 10-10-2012, 03:23 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I don't think that you're the "odd one out" - sounds like you went through similar stages as GG and I. It's more that we have different ideas as to which stage the term "engagement" applies to - you and I put it at the end, after all the important conversations have already happened.. GG put it at the "contemplation" phase and the important conversations were part of the "engagement" process.

Benefit to a long engagement...this is what the "wedding industry" is now geared up for. We got engaged in December, and elected to get married in June (six months later). Around February I started looking for a wedding dress, after we had decided what kind of ceremony etc. we wanted - "four months", I thought, "plenty of time" I thought...I started looking for a wedding dress (having, of course, never done this before). So I started at a "Bridal Shop"...they asked when the wedding was, I said June, they asked what year, I said "this one", they said it couldn't be ready by then without a WHOLE LOT of money, I left.

I ended up finding an awesome dress at a fabulous private wedding/formal consignment shop in Philly. My dress cost (wait, let me look at the receipt) $401.25 with another $125 in alterations (from a size 12 down to a size 2 - with a permanent bustle of the train - because I was getting married outside on the grass - and a dress-bust modification which meant that I didn't have to wear a bra, which took...two weeks with ONE fitting). With never a raised eyebrow (even when my then-fiance accompanied me, solo, to the dress-choosing)...I think I lucked out...

JaneQ

PS. Don't get me started on my wedding, it was perfect...for us. Everything and everyone conspired to make me feel...so happy, so cherished, so...us.
Jane, it sounds wonderful That's what a wedding should be!

Actually, since we were so young we planned an 18 month engagement. Then we realized it was just too stressful. We'd decided we wanted to get married, so let's get married, dammit! Chopped a year off our engagement. I'm sure lots of people thought I was pregnant and that's why we moved the date (we got married just after I turned 22), but wonder of wonders, no baby appeared until years later. Guess it was just a really long gestation!

So IMO- long engagements suck!
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  #476  
Old 10-10-2012, 03:40 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Runic Wolf and I started as FWB in high school. I was his first, but he was not mine. We started officially dating a couple months later and got engaged 6 months after that when he came cack from basic training. We were engaged for 1 year and 10 months before we got married. The first year and a half of that was an LDR while I finished up high school and he got sent to his first duty station. I joined him later and we lived together on weekends until 2 months after we got married. (Couldn't break my dorm agreement or get married housing when we got married). We acctually pushed the wedding up by 11 months because we were tired of waiting. We planned it all in lesz that 2 months on maybe $400.
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  #477  
Old 10-10-2012, 03:41 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Jane, it sounds wonderful That's what a wedding should be!
It was wonderful ...exactly what our wedding should have been/was.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
I'm sure lots of people thought I was pregnant
We teased each other about this a LOT ... actually. Two people who were "anti-marriage" (for different reasons) getting hitched? Must be a baby on the way...I'm sure many of our guests were confused 6-7-8-9 months later. (The other source of amusement? ... How many of our guests had had sex with us or other "wedding guests" - I'd say everyone but direct relatives.)

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #478  
Old 10-10-2012, 05:08 AM
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Ah dear, the same in our case. We even wrote on our invitations something along the lines of "Hey there, we want to get married. No, we are NOT pregnant."

We didn't think of marrying each other till our 9th year. None of us was into that stuff, we knew that we will stay together and that the other was just right for us. But there were some official reasons that made us change our minds (finances and such) and a possible lifethreatening disease on my side, that made Sward take action. The party was great, we celebrated at home with friends and family. (Never knew that there would be so many to come and congratulate us ) I wasn't into the celebration idea first, I would have been happy to go sign the papers and that's it, but in the end I really liked it the way it went ^.^

Hope you will find the right solution for you OP
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Last edited by Phy; 10-10-2012 at 07:16 AM.
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  #479  
Old 10-10-2012, 05:33 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Wow, poor guy heads off to school, and is going to come home to a series of confirmations that he got engaged too soon I'm going to add to the assault by pointing out that he's also engaged to the first person with whom he's had any "proper relationship" as he puts it.

I know it happens, they tell me it happens, but I never really believe them... That whole notion that you can meet your life partner so young and somehow "know" they're the right person, without being with any other people and seeing what you like and despise in a relationship.

Fortunately, you're not monogamous, so you're not "stuck." You can be engaged to your first proper boyfriend, without risking cutting yourself off from future potential.

Again, breathe. Relax. Take a bubble bath.............Back yet? Okay.

Right now, you're all in a tizzle. That's not a time to make any decisions about the future. Chill out and go with the flow. You're not married yet. Just keep it that way until everything has settled. Wait until you've been with Sec for at least a year before you start wondering whether you like him more than Prim. Meanwhile, don't make any financial commitments to the wedding. Take it one day at a time.

Shucks, you're 21. Barely a pup. You have all the time in the world. What's your hurry? I heard that Denmark recently amended their immigration law, regarding anyone married under 28 to be in a "forced marriage." So according to Denmark, if you get married in the next 7 years, you and your husband will be raping each other. Or something like that.
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  #480  
Old 10-10-2012, 08:07 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I know it happens, they tell me it happens, but I never really believe them... That whole notion that you can meet your life partner so young and somehow "know" they're the right person, without being with any other people and seeing what you like and despise in a relationship.
Well, in favour of that... I am my H's first serious relationship. I was 18 and he was 19 when we met and we're still happily in love. Probably more so now than we were then.
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