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  #1  
Old 10-09-2012, 11:59 AM
Zoso Zoso is offline
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Hi there!

I'm a 26 year old female that has just gotten involved with a polyamorous man (let's call him Ted) in the past two months. I've known him for two years, and we've always gotten along great. Ted has been married to his primary partner (let's call her Eve) for three years, but they have been together for ten. At first, there were complications. She admits that there was definitely jealousy because she's monogamous. That has tapered off quite a bit since her and I have become really good friends. Becoming friends with Eve has made things so much easier, and I think we're all finally becoming comfortable with the situation, even spending nights together like any group of friends would. She's also told me that being with me had made Ted much happier, and that has made their marriage better than it was. That's the best thing I've ever heard.

Even as my relationship with Ted gets deeper, I am satisfied with it as it is. To be honest, I wasn't sure how this would all go when he first talked to me about his lifestyle, but I've found that it actually fits my needs much more than a traditional monogamous relationship, which is fantastic. I haven't had a relationship that I felt more comfortable in because I always felt smothered by my boyfriends. I'm ridiculously independent, and I honestly think that's a big reason why he approached me. I'm perfectly fine with him focusing his time on Eve when she's having insecurities or other issues, and I'm not jealous of her at all. I adore them as a couple, and I want nothing more than for them to stay together and be happy.

Anyway, it does seem like this whole situation might just have been too good to be true because I'm now facing a rather terrifying dilemma. I am on various medications for a recent hospital stay and that can cause this sort of issue, but I just realized that my period is a week late. I've never had a late period in my life. I didn't anticipate something like this arising at all, and I have no idea how to deal with it. I'm going to give it a few more days before I take any sort of pregnancy tests because, like I said, it could just be my medications. However, if it isn't, I don't know that Eve will be okay with a baby coming from his secondary relationship. I swear I never intended to do any harm to their relationship or lives or anything else. The mere thought that I might cause any harm is eating me up inside.

I know I might be jumping the gun considering my medical problems as of late, but I'd rather have some sort of idea in mind if this is the worst case scenario. I adore my two friends so much, and I just want to be able to address this properly if it needs to be. Has anyone had this sort of thing happen before? Are there any suggestions you can give me for breaking the news if I am indeed pregnant? Do you think this will ruin their marriage? Any sort of insight or advice about this potentially complicated situation is highly appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 10-09-2012, 12:21 PM
niceinjeans niceinjeans is offline
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Default take a deep breath

While I have not been in this exact situation before, I do feel that I may have some constructive advice from a married male point of view.

First and foremost, I would suggest taking an over the counter pregnancy test. There is no sense in breaking yourself down and causing yourself stress over a situation that may not even arise. Let's assume now that the test is positive; this does not truly mean you are pregnant. Schedule an appointment with a physician to confirm pregnancy.

If you are pregnant, I recommend sitting down with both Ted and Eve and openly discussing this. I recognize this is a very difficult conversation as I have had very similar difficult conversations in my past. However, you owe it to them both to be forthright with the knowledge and your feelings about it.

I do not believe it will ruin their marriage. My wife and I have discussed this very situation at great length, and while it is not what we are truly wanting, we would embrace our partner and our new child and show them the love and respect they each deserve. If their marriage is strong enough to handle polyamory, it is likely strong enough to handle any consequences that result.

Even if you are not pregnant, I recommend you still site down with Ted and Eve and discuss this topic at great length. I would bring it up more as a "what if" scenario than a "pregnancy scare" scenario. If the conversation goes well, you may feel inclined to tell them you thought you were pregnant.

I hope all goes well for you and that you find peace and happiness.

NIJ
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  #3  
Old 10-09-2012, 12:28 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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Default Problem

Pregnancy is a possibility but stress as well as drugs can cause you to be late on your period so don't get stressed out until you confirm it with a pregnancy test. If you're a week late you will be about two weeks pregnant if you are, and a test should tell you something.

From what you say, I'm picking up that if you are you will keep the baby. Am I right? You're very early in your relationship so I think you're right to be concerned about how your pregnancy would affect it. If you are, it's going to take some very durable and flexible people to handle the enormous change that your relationship with them will undergo.

I suggest you take the test before you start worrying too much. Whether to tell the others you're late on your period is a judgment call you have to make based on how well you know them and what you think their reaction will be and whether you think it will be just needless stress if it turns out you're not pregnant, or if you think it will build honesty and trust.

I agree with above poster that a "what if" conversation is a good idea in any event.

Last edited by Stevenjaguar; 10-09-2012 at 12:32 PM.
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Old 10-09-2012, 12:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Before you worry about what might be, get on with dealing with what IS:
  • Missing period.
  • Lack of BC.
  • Lack of talk with Ted.

1) Take pregnancy test ASAP. The sensitivity at this point may not even matter -- you are at least a week in so... Let's hope it is a "no" and that solves this part of it. If you need to bring a period on, see your doc about a round of Provera and what may be going on with these other meds. Still have to deal with rest of list.

2) Learn more about birth control options. Condoms, please. Also lay in some Plan B or learn to use regular BCP as ECP if a condom breaks. You have that 3 days window before implant -- have it to hand so you don't lose time. You can also learn to chart to avoid rather than to conceive.

3) If termination is within your values -- figure out NOW where to go for next time. Not in the heat of the moment. Better to know and not need it, than need it and not know. Find out costs and all that.

4) If termination is NOT within your values -- figure out what your surrender options are in your area. Also your adoption options. Also your raising a baby options. Find out costs and all that. Again, better to know and not need it.

5) If YES, the pregnancy test is a plus -- you need to have a talk with Ted and make a decision. Actually, a whole bunch of decisions. Have this talk anyway even if not pregnant. You need to know if your values line up or not and both would want the same things from a pregnancy/not pregnancy.

6) All this is part of your responsibility to care for your own equipment -- your wonderful body. Who you share your body is your business, and that can be wonderful too. But bodies need keeping and care, so give yourself the TLC.

7) All this is part of Ted's responsibility to care for his own equipment -- he too has a wonderful body and who he shares it with is his business. His body needs his TLC care also -- and this includes each and every sperm cell his body kicks out. Please def. have conversation with Ted about dealing with this situation -- shared costs, shared responsibilities, shared decision making, etc.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-09-2012 at 12:56 PM.
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  #5  
Old 10-09-2012, 09:43 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
7) All this is part of Ted's responsibility to care for his own equipment -- he too has a wonderful body and who he shares it with is his business. His body needs his TLC care also -- and this includes each and every sperm cell his body kicks out. Please def. have conversation with Ted about dealing with this situation -- shared costs, shared responsibilities, shared decision making, etc.

GG
I agree with this. It takes two to make a baby. He has equal responsibility both in preventing pregnancy and taking care of what happens later.
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  #6  
Old 10-10-2012, 02:50 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar View Post
If you're a week late you will be about two weeks pregnant if you are, and a test should tell you something
Just to correct the record, doctors count from your LAST period, not your missed period. So you would actually be anywhere from 4-6 weeks pregnant depending on your cycle. Keep that in mind when you are looking into options if you choose not to keep the baby. I know in the US there is a cutoff as to when you can choose elective abortion, for example (there isn't a legal cutoff in Canada).

Some forms of BC can be affected by medication. Definitely take a test so you don't have to worry and can deal with the situation either way.
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  #7  
Old 10-10-2012, 04:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If she's a week late, and you tack on 2 weeks since ovulation, she's around 3 weeks pregnant if pregnant at all. (Have you tested, OP? Hope you are ok over there. Most test are sensitive enough now to catch it 8-10 days past ovulation, and you are past period so ANY brand will do at this point. )

Conception is sperm meeting egg. Not sperm meeting last uterine lining shed.

Docs ask for your last period so they can guess your ovulation date 2 weeks later from that. They are assuming the woman has the average 4 weeks ish cycle:
2 weeks to ramp up, egg released, 2 weeks egg coming down the pipeline. Egg and uterine lining shed if egg was not fertilized. Start over.
(I do sex ed for kids, I can't help myself. )

GG
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Old 10-10-2012, 08:19 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If she's a week late, and you tack on 2 weeks since ovulation, she's around 3 weeks pregnant if pregnant at all.
Yes, but they count 40 weeks of pregnancy from the last period, generally. So despite the back counting making it seem like you were pregnant before you even ovulated, that's how they count it. We're not talking biology here; this is the way OB-GYNs determine where you are in your pregnancy.

http://www.baby2see.com/development/week1.html
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  #9  
Old 10-12-2012, 01:53 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Alright. But I still prefer biology for myself.

When I told my OB/GYN I conceived on day 53 and I had the TTC chart and OPKs to prove it, they didn't know what the heck to do with me.

I told DH I should have just lied and made my "last period" be whatever 28 days it would have been than be biologically honest. LOL. Irregular women throw the whole thing off and it's best just to go by O day instead.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-12-2012 at 01:56 AM.
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