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  #61  
Old 07-20-2012, 02:43 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
This will lead to situations where some folks who were otherwise quite compatible relationship material being show-stoppers because of the difference in requirements - classic example - person 1 absolutely feels they need to have sex with someone before meeting their other partners, person 2 absolutely feels they need to meet the partners before sex can happen. I think it's worth it for those that have strong feelings one way or the other to sort out for themselves (and discuss with others as appropriate) how much "wiggle-room" there is in this.

It seems like it is hard enough to find compatible poly people out there (in my time with the various poly communities I have met exactly 2 people I would have been interested in having a relationship with, and am now in a relationship with one of them) - even more of a shame when something like this excludes even more potential partners from the mix.
That's a good point, and I do know that I have been exceptionally lucky. I found TWO wonderful guys on a poly dating site within 2 months, and we all had the same ideas, and there wasn't any need for wiggling
Were I in a situation where I was more frustrated about fínding someone compatible, it is very possible that I would consider meeting the GF of someone that I was really interested in, sooner than I would be comfortable with judging from my current perspective.
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  #62  
Old 07-20-2012, 02:53 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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That's a good point, and I do know that I have been exceptionally lucky. I found TWO wonderful guys on a poly dating site within 2 months, and we all had the same ideas, and there wasn't any need for wiggling
Well, hopefully there was some GOOD wiggling

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Were I in a situation where I was more frustrated about fínding someone compatible, it is very possible that I would consider meeting the GF of someone that I was really interested in, sooner than I would be comfortable with judging from my current perspective.
Yeah, that's exactly the thought process I was talking about.
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  #63  
Old 07-20-2012, 04:28 PM
katiesunshine katiesunshine is offline
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Cleo, I applaud you!! Thank you so much for putting very clearly and in detail into writing how I feel about this whole issue.

THANK YOU
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  #64  
Old 07-20-2012, 04:33 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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WIth my boyfriend-we could easily operate this way, without rules at all. And for the most part we do-and always have, except that he isn't poly, so now that we have made a committment to one another, he's stopped dating.

BUT-he nor I get so caught up in NRE that we fling our personal responsibilities to the kids or to our jobs or to our family out the window.
We can enjoy getting to know new people without neglecting the ones who are still there and still matter to us.

SOME PEOPLE haven't learned to do this and aren't able to manage to function appropriately with so much freedom EVEN IF THEY ARE ADULTS.
That's just reality.

Shrug.

I do think-still that there is a HUGE difference when you hvae kids in the picture and you're bringing lovers home than when you do not have kids or are not bringing lovers home.

It's impossible for me to EVER "just go out" without checking in, I HAVE to ensure that there is someone there to watch the kids. As my oldest is now 20 and the youngest barely turned 5, it has been that way in my life for 20 years.

When you have a child at home-you can't just go out on a whim-ever. You have to do a little planning. Unless you have the finances to pay a full time live in nanny I suppose.
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  #65  
Old 07-20-2012, 06:47 PM
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When you have a child at home-you can't just go out on a whim-ever. You have to do a little planning. Unless you have the finances to pay a full time live in nanny I suppose.
Yep. I find that to be the glaring difference those who are childfree and those who aren't, on the forum and elsewhere.
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  #66  
Old 07-20-2012, 07:44 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Re the question of meeting a metamour, or potential metamour, before or after sex has taken place, I think it all has to do with how people view sex as well as the other stuff mentioned. For me, sex is a form of communication, a way of getting to know someone through the physical rather than a mental/verbal process. Yes, of course, it's exciting and a first sexual liaison with another person does hold a certain significance to me, but I don't see the moment of having sex with someone as an indication that the relationship is now serious, as someone mentioned here. This is not to say that I would enjoy emotionless, purely recreational sex. I don't really get into that, but most of my love relationships usually start with an attraction and sparks that lead to sex very early on, and through this sexual communication is how I get to know them and develop the relationship

Some people seem to ascribe so much more meaning to the sexual act than others do. Same thing with saying the words, "I love you." Really, what's the big deal? My loving someone doesn't mean that our relationship has to change now that I have a certain feeling toward them.

Anyway, as Marcus said, he would entertain an invitation to meet someone, but not a demand. I think this is important. Lots of poly people have rules that cannot be broken, and others are much more open to seeing what happens. These two styles obviously can create a clash or conflict. Both sides may have to compromise from time to time, based on the circumstances and people involved. Is it really so difficult that the SO wait a little longer or the new love interest meet a little sooner than they would prefer?

If I meet a guy who has any rule with his SO that affects me, I have a choice whether or not to accept that rule or set of rules. I can ask myself whether or not it impedes or offends my own personal boundaries, and if it doesn't, sure I will go along with it. But if I don't think the balance is weighted fairly and if my needs feel disrespected, I can walk. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I think lots of people get caught up in accepting others' rules which they actually consider unreasonable, simply because they think this is their last chance at happiness or something. Feeling desperate for love is not a good basis for starting a relationship with someone and losing my integrity.

Personally, if a love interest of mine has an SO who is inflexible and demands that things happen the way she wants, and only that way, I would not comply. I resent anyone outside my relationships making rules about how I can proceed and conduct those relationships. I would rather share a quick email or phone convo just to confirm that the SO is on board with poly and the guy isn't a cheater, but meeting her, to me, is something I'd want to do in my own time.

Last year, I tried to have a LDR with Burnsy and it didn't work out, but I loved what his wife wrote to me in an email when he and I were just starting to acknowledge that we wanted a relationship. She told me that their goal in poly was to meet people and allow for their relationships to develop and grow into whatever they may. She was rather confident and told me frankly that she had "no worries or insecurities" about where she fits into Burnsy's life, and that she thought he and I should both develop our relationship separate from the dynamic of his relationship with her. I truly appreciated this, because all too often it seems that a spouse has no understanding of the importance of autonomy in relationships. She then told me that she would only want to get to know me once he and I had something established between us. Obviously, her and his approach totally meshed with mine, and so I have faith that there are more people out there like that. Yes, I can and will compromise if I feel a situation merits doing so and I am not losing myself in the compromise, but as I move forward I can state my boundaries and say yes or no without feeling like I have to do anything that goes against my convictions.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-20-2012 at 07:47 PM.
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  #67  
Old 07-20-2012, 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If I meet a guy who has any rule with his SO that affects me, I have a choice whether or not to accept that rule or set of rules. I can ask myself whether or not it impedes or offends my own personal boundaries, and if it doesn't, sure I will go along with it. But if I don't think the balance is weighted fairly and if my needs feel disrespected, I can walk. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I think lots of people get caught up in accepting others' rules which they actually consider unreasonable, simply because they think this is their last chance at happiness or something. Feeling desperate for love is not a good basis for starting a relationship with someone and losing my integrity.


I would rather share a quick email or phone convo just to confirm that the SO is on board with poly and the guy isn't a cheater, but meeting her, to me, is something I'd want to do in my own time.

I truly appreciated this, because all too often it seems that a spouse has no understanding of the importance of autonomy in relationships. She then told me that she would only want to get to know me once he and I had something established between us. Obviously, her and his approach totally meshed with mine, and so I have faith that there are more people out there like that. Yes, I can and will compromise if I feel a situation merits doing so and I am not losing myself in the compromise, but as I move forward I can state my boundaries and say yes or no without feeling like I have to do anything that goes against my convictions.

Nyc-I highlighted the parts that stood out to me with a huge smile on my face.
Also-in purple, to me email/text might BE meeting the other person. It doesn't have to be face to face per se. It's the total lack of straight one person to the other communication I have a true issue with. If they aren't willing or interested in verifying that I exist and that I am on board-they risk the possibility that I'm not and he is cheating. Which in turn makes them a cheater.

I know for CERTAIN (watched it AND he admits it readily) that Maca has a HUGE issue with grabbing anything that pays him the slightest attention-because he's afraid no opportunity will ever come along. (obviously THEY DO-as he's filtered through 4 so far, even in our small community). But, he's certain they won't.
Even he looks back and says "WTF was I THINKING?!?!?!" The answer is simple, he wasn't thinking-he was fucking attracted, panicked that no one he was attracted to would give him the time of day again and rushed into more than HE was ready for. Only to end up with major regrets of his own (not including the complications for the rest of us) because HE DID NOT STAY TRUE TO HIS OWN priorities and needs.

With all of the women-I've given him the go-ahead, because I don't believe in controlling my lovers. But, every time I've warned him, he was considering actions HE HAS AN ISSUE WITH. Our boundaries are almost COMPLETELY HIS boundaries-not mine.
The last time, I warned her. After he shared naked photos of her with my brother (whom she doesn't know and whom he is not close with). She tried to tell me she knew him better than I did. I let it go (with her) knowing she was about to get burned up one side and down the other, because in fact, I know him much better than she does. 24 years of watching someone will do that for a person.

Now, she's hurt, angry, resentful and flinging all the blame at me. He has figured out that it was him and he knows I didn't do or say any of the shit she's accusing me of.
But, she can't IMAGINE that he would ACTUALLY have lied to her or misrespresented himself to her. Because she TRUSTED him and she knew him OH SO WELL through their sexual connection.....


After a few weeks of reading through the writings here, my conclusion at this point is-
she fucking deserves it.
If she chooses to believe she can get to know someone that well, that fast, through sex-she deserves precisely what she got-which was finding out that in fact, there are some guys out there who WANT to be really nice guys-but do some STUPID ASSHOLE SHIT and if you ask their current significant others wtf is going on before you get in to deep (sex/no sex, whatever, before you get emotionally attached), you could save your self a fuckload of heartache.
And STI's.
(not that STI's were an issue here, just saying)
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  #68  
Old 07-21-2012, 03:45 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I would rather share a quick email or phone convo just to confirm that the SO is on board with poly and the guy isn't a cheater, but meeting her, to me, is something I'd want to do in my own time.
Just to clarify, when I talk about meeting the metamour, I never meant it had to be in person. Meeting online is fine, and I guess a phone call could be fine too although I'm hopeless on the phone so I'd prefer Skype if she really cares about hearing each other's voice. Meeting in person is an option, so is meeting in any other way, it's mostly about making contact and being sure they understand the situation and won't feel used later on due to misconceptions.
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  #69  
Old 07-21-2012, 05:47 AM
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it's mostly about making contact and being sure they understand the situation and won't feel used later on due to misconceptions.
This is another valuable clarification from my new polyamorous friends in my coming to understand your viewpoint. When I was reading "meeting" I assumed that we were talking about the new person coming in for an in-person interview (I also imagined there being a panel with a scorecard lol). Three of you have clarified in this thread that the form of "meeting" is any that would be sufficient for making contact that would let everyone know the other partners are not simply figments. Obviously I presume a face to face would be best just for the sake of meeting new friends and building our communities, but knowing that your preference(s) is not quite as rigid as I imagined changes my understanding of your stance(s).

I'm certainly glad that I found this group and that we have had our (mostly) civil disagreements. I feel that I am learning a great deal about your viewpoints and hopefully this will enrich my own relationships.
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  #70  
Old 07-21-2012, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Anyway, as Marcus said, he would entertain an invitation to meet someone, but not a demand. I think this is important. Lots of poly people have rules that cannot be broken, and others are much more open to seeing what happens. These two styles obviously can create a clash or conflict. Both sides may have to compromise from time to time, based on the circumstances and people involved. Is it really so difficult that the SO wait a little longer or the new love interest meet a little sooner than they would prefer?
Sounds like a rational approach. Situation by situation, of course factors are going to be different. While I would outright refuse what I perceived to be a "demand" in one situation, might be accepted in another (probably having to do with how enamored I was with the girl in question). Likewise, any family I might be a part of in the future would surely give a bit of latitude for a new member such as myself who did not want to meet right off the bat but wanted to let it play out a bit longer.

It is this adult outlook that I am interested in, even in the presence of more "rules" than is my preference. A family "laying down the law" on the outset would almost certainly be the same group who would butt heads with me later down the road anyway.
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