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  #31  
Old 06-21-2012, 09:37 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Originally Posted by corey View Post
I recently had posted a thread on AskMen.com and one person pointed me to a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" and have since read half the book (I dont even read my text books for University, so it says a lot) and it really is not a good thing to have the "Nice Guy" syndrome, as others mentioned it puts you in a position of being a door mat.
I looked at/through the book. Sounds like something you do need to hear, and the exercises are great. Stick to the book, though. AskMen.com appears to narrow its definition of "man" unnecessarily.
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  #32  
Old 06-23-2012, 03:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am the one she loves and wants to be with, live with and we can both see other people (not like a regular relationship) she describes it as friends that hang out with and have casual sex. At the same time she doesnt want me to know the person(s) but says it would be the same person for a while just because it takes time to find someone who wants casual setting like this, but she also admits she doesnt tell him she is in a relationship either.
Honestly? I feel sorry for you. I also wish you'd just man up, dude. This is YOUR life too, YOUR relationship too. And it is YOUR flat you are paying for.

That "nice guy" thing is lame. Don't be that.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/ran...niceguys.shtml

1) She's using you for rent. Basically you pay her half the roomie bills for a lil' sex now and then? What's that all about? If you are cool with that, fine. But you do not sound cool with that.

2) If she is going into polycurious world, and you guys are young students and not totally ready to be "out" to your parents and stuff, I get that. It takes time to get confident with the 'rents. But this isn't about the parents is it?

3) I think your eyes are clouded by her being your lover, perhaps first lover, perhaps first GF type person. But this is not a good GF to have. I don't buy that she's Ms Independent and oh, so special.

I was one once. Ms Independent. I told ALL my dating partners in college I was not looking for exclusive. I had one lover. Named. And if any wanted to meet him they could (and did -- in person, by email, had phone if they wanted). They could all access him and verify that YES, I was being honest, I was not a cheater or hiding anything.

I expected condoms on at all times both with us and with whoever might be loverly. I was also taking BCP. I also screened for STDs and expect this periodically.

For my lover, I expected full information if any of his other dating was looking to GET "loverly" before it actually did.

I expected to be informed by Lover when this was brewing, so I could make a health decision for ME -- do I want to overlap here in lover land, or is this where I check out now? And free him to pursue lover land over there with that partner? I felt this was a reasonable request and not a crazy thing. To want health information to protect MY sexual health.

None of my people had a problem with it but one, and he was just mad that Lover was my Lover and he was not getting to be my lover yet! Well, I dated him, and I didn't feel the magic yet. And? I'm not a candy bar everyone instantly gets a bite from! Sheesh! That is not what poly is! I broke up with him.

There was a plan for unwanted pregnancy, STD, and whatever else discussed with Lover.

So this business of hers skulking about? She's not being honest with you or D. Telling you to man up and trying to change you over into something you are not? Why doesn't she man up then, and step it up on the truth and honesty meter? Get it ALL out in the open to ALL?

Because abusers and users do their dirty work in the dark. That is why. Love doesn't skulk in dark corners and treat people so cavalier and disrespectful.

And no, this is not poly -- poly is open, honest with all partners aware and consenting. You and D. should have long ago had the talk and gotten on the same page because you are each others metamours then.

You are not sounding consenting and confident. You are not sounding loved and respected and honored.

You are sound used. That is not "unique" by any stretch.

Again...

Quote:
At the same time she doesnt want me to know the person(s) but says it would be the same person for a while just because it takes time to find someone who wants casual setting like this, but she also admits she doesnt tell him she is in a relationship either.
Run for the hills!

This chick is fine lying to you all, so god knows if she's having safe sex or cootifying you all going bareback. AND if she gets preggo somewhere... then what? That your bill too?

That she doesn't want to broadcast to her "real dating partners" that you are more than her "roomie?" That doesn't sound like she's honoring you as her BF.

Or it is the other way? That she doesn't want to broadcast to her "real dating partners" that you are more than her "roomie?" Because you are her landlord and she pays you in sex. Doesn't paint her very flatteringly then either does it?

Quote:
Hell, I tell her sometimes I do feel less of a man when she is constantly critiquing everything about me (what I wear, how I sit) - I dont know if that is what is driving her away (me being somewhat "weak" personality) or what...
Nothing is driving her away, dude. She's just not that into you to begin with. She services you for free rent. You are a chore, not a person. If you lived in separate flats, would she still come around?

This is YOUR sex health and life at risk.

This is YOUR emotional health, mental health, body health, soul health, kiddo.

You deserve more than this, something better than this.

Take care of you, please.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-23-2012 at 03:25 AM.
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  #33  
Old 06-23-2012, 07:21 AM
corey corey is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
The more I read your threads the more I wonder why you are with this woman. I mean,really. She cheated on you, contributes nothing to living expenses, won't talk to you about something VERY new that completely changes your relationship, criticizes you for researching, and balks at almost every boundary/rule you request. I see no respect for you or your relationship.
She has been starting to talk to me more. Yesterday she freely spoke of "D" in casual conversation without me bringing it up. She also finally told me where she disapeared to til 3am - (skeptical of course) that she went out with friends "D" was there, swears on fathers grave they never had sex EVER while she has been in relationship with me. She said she went there to smoke weed and didn't think I would approve, says she had her phone/purse in car since she was getting high.

She does contribute what little she has to groceries and gas. Mostly because she can put it on credit card, but doesn't really have that much in the way of cash.

Right now I am reading the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" to help fix myself first so that I am prepared to handle the situation with the relationship. The book is targeted at my personality in specific and will help me decide what I want for me (including if I am hanging on to her so I am not alone vs because care about her and want to make it work) etc.
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  #34  
Old 06-23-2012, 02:28 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think one good remedy that will help you to start feeling more confident in yourself, happy about your life, and not used is this: Put her things outside your apartment and change the locks. She can mooch off of one of her other suckers - er, I mean... lovers.
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  #35  
Old 06-23-2012, 03:43 PM
OmahaPoly OmahaPoly is offline
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"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a great book, and as you are discovering does not involve being either a jerk or a doormat. Read it, believe it. For others here who have read "act like an asshole" articles please understand that book has nothing in common with them.

Now for opinion:
You sir, are being had. She doesn't want a strong man, or she would be with him already and you aren't it. If you were, she wouldn't be "molding you" and certainly wouldn't be hiding you. You have to remember that she has chosen you. This does not mean she loves you, any more than trying to change you means she loves you. She wants a relationship she can dominate and that requires a "Mr. Nice Guy", and she also wants a man she can respect (she has made that clear) because she isn't happy with a man she can dominate. Which one are you?

Plus, the huge, huge thing I have not seen anyone here talk much about is the other party. It is easy in a Poly setting to forget that the other person is as deserving of respect and consideration as the two "primary" partners. Whoever it is she is seeing may develop strong feelings, and does not deserve to be hurt. Looking at her relationship with the other party, this woman is a lying, cheating user. Regardless of what she does or does not tell you, in her relationship with the other person she is lying to them, cheating on them (presuming they are like most folks and practice serial monogamy and believe she is also), and using them to fulfill whatever aspects of herself she wishes without in turn providing them the opportunity to actually know her.

If it isn't honest, it isn't right. Period. There are no circumstances where misleading one another over such fundamental things leads to better relationships.

JMO, YMMV. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but sometimes plain language is the most effective. I sincerely wish you both nothing but the best.

Last edited by OmahaPoly; 06-23-2012 at 03:46 PM.
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  #36  
Old 06-23-2012, 04:43 PM
FigNewtonian FigNewtonian is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think one good remedy that will help you to start feeling more confident in yourself, happy about your life, and not used is this: Put her things outside your apartment and change the locks. She can mooch off of one of her other suckers - er, I mean... lovers.
This. Move on. You deserve better. It's out there. Shut it down and just move on.
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  #37  
Old 06-24-2012, 12:55 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well, I hope your book helps you then. Mostly I think she's bad news. There's nothing here to "work out."

Choices in life are not always "win or win" or "win or lose." Some of them are "This choices stinks and this choice stinks. So... which one has the LEAST stink here?"

Alone vs the user roomie? Don't even call her GF -- GFs don't treat people this bad.

I'd go alone. She has no money but now she's out partying and smoking pot now at all hours of the night without letting you know, the BF? You are so not BF. Where's she feeding that habit from? And how? With sex? Stealing your stuff? Slapping it on credit?

You kinda have to get rid of her and be alone for a bit to be available for better.

To get to a partner who is HEALTHIER for you, and will bring you happiness to share rather than angst craziness.

It is not like healthy partner is going to DUEL her for you.
GL!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-24-2012 at 12:58 AM.
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