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Old 05-03-2012, 11:30 PM
Chaos Chaos is offline
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Default Not sure how I'm supposed to proceed with this

Hi all, I'm new to the actual act of this, but not the ideas. I've been married 10 years, have a challenging daughter (autism, ODD), DH (do you guys use that term?) is a SAHD and I bring home "the bacon". We have quite a few friends that are poly, and DH has always told me he was poly. I told him when we got together I wasn't, but didn't know how I'd feel years down the road.

4-5 years ago we had a threesome with another girl, who was into me, and I tried it out for the sake of DH, but touching a flabby boob creeped me out. I'm just not into girls. I didn't want to do that again.

DH has been bugging me to allow him to be with a woman friend of his for too long. My hesitation has mostly been the fact that she wanted to be with both of us and I didn't want to be with her sexually. I totally trust this woman and have had lots of honest discussions with her about this and DH. DH is very needy sexually (I think his testosterone level is too high, he's finally realizing not everybody has sex everyday).

He finally admitted that part of it is a fetish for watching me with another man. So we've discussed this a lot. He's been on the lookout for somebody for me to "have fun" with. And apparently if I want to do it with another guy without him there, that's supposedly fine as long as I give him all the details (like even texting him while it's happening, or call him and leave the phone on so he can hear). I'm totally fine with fetishes, although he won't indulge me in mine (bondage without any/much pain, just the bondage).

A month or so ago he started talking to a couple of friends about his fetish and found out that two of his friends feel the same way. One of them was really into me and said he'd join us. He told me, gave me time to think about it, and we decided to do it. We had a threesome, but neither of the guys did anything with each other. We've done this twice since. All three experiences have been very comfortable and enjoyable.

So here is my quandry, I'm just not sure how to treat this other guy. I'm not a super mushy person, and while I get along well with the guy, it's not like I'm going to spend tons of time with him all of a sudden. I've read on quite a few posts that this is about love, not sex. For me it was about sex. I'm one of those people that think love is mostly based on chemicals from one's brain, and then it's based on bonding, respect, admiration, friendship, etc. I'm too vulcan, not very mushy.

This guy really is DH's friend, and when he's over they talk 90% of the time. They know each other from some dance scene in the city, which I'm not into (I like rock, not thump thump thump thump). The guy is getting to know me better, and has made comments about how he likes that I can geek out with him (taught him to play Magic the Gathering when DH was gone). He's confided with me about some super personal stuff. I think that's awesome. When he came over last time he even brought me a gift. The guy hasn't had a GF in over a year and DH and I have been together for so long, I can see how the dynamic in the bedroom is so different between the two.

I've texted the guy a few times, but I'm never sure what to say. I was contemplating taking some super super close up shots of me in lingerie as a tease for the guy and texting the pics. But DH is a horrible photographer, and what I have in mind are not what I know he'll take. I don't know how to schedule time with him, how often I should ask him to come over, or if I should go to his house. The kiddo already knows this guy, so it's not weird to have him over for the day. We have a lot of friends who live 1+ hr away, so it's not unusual to have them stay the night (he's slept on the couch).

As for DH and the girl he wants, the same week this happened, and I was about to tell him that it was okay for him to be with her now that I understood better, she moved out of state. She'll be back, is nomadic, but it'll be a while. I know there are a couple other people he's interested in, but it was this one person I was comfortable with. He still wants to be with both of us, but I'd be just fine (I think) letting them do their thing while I read a book.

Also, we've been under a HUGE amount of stress. It's been worst 6 months in my life, both physically and emotionally. I actually got a prescrip for Xanax because of it. I'm wondering if my actions are in response to the stress, or if it's actually growth. Things are getting much better and the stress isn't marriage related.
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:29 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaos View Post
DH (do you guys use that term?) is a SAHD...
I haven't read your whole posts yet, but this just caught my eye. Occasionally people do come here and use those abbreviations, like DH and DW, but most of us here either use the person's real initials or give them an alias. There is a member here named DingedHeart, whom we often refer to as DH, so when someone uses those old abbreviations it can be confusing. Lots of people here refer to husbands as Hubs.

I've always found the D_ thing a bit irritating myself. Who calls anyone Dear anymore, anyway? There is a forum I sometimes go to where people put D for "Dear" in front of everything, and they spell out the whole second word - DFriend, DNeighbor - ugh! Abbreviations are supposed to make things shorter not longer. Drives me batty. But I digress.

Sorry. [/rant]
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:33 AM
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So, just read your post. It seems like you and your hubs are really focused on sex rather than developing relationships, so I'm not sure a poly forum is really where you will get the answers or community you seek, although there are plenty of people here who also swing. It does sound like you'd both be more at home on a swingers' site, though. You are definitely welcome here, of course! Are either of you interested in the emotional, romantic aspect of having additional partners, or is it mostly for recreational sex?
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Old 05-04-2012, 05:24 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I haven't read your whole posts yet, but this just caught my eye. Occasionally people do come here and use those abbreviations, like DH and DW, but most of us here either use the person's real initials or give them an alias. There is a member here named DingedHeart, whom we often refer to as DH, so when someone uses those old abbreviations it can be confusing. Lots of people here refer to husbands as Hubs.

I've always found the D_ thing a bit irritating myself. Who calls anyone Dear anymore, anyway? There is a forum I sometimes go to where people put D for "Dear" in front of everything, and they spell out the whole second word - DFriend, DNeighbor - ugh! Abbreviations are supposed to make things shorter not longer. Drives me batty. But I digress.

Sorry. [/rant]
I call my husband Dear all the time! lol I actually call anyone I'm close to Dear... Friends and romantic partners alike.

Anyway, Chaos, I think how you treat the other man is really determined by what you want from him. If you just want to keep it purely a FWB type situation versus a romantic one, I would avoid mushy stuff anyway. If you and your husband ARE open to forming romantic relationships and not just sexual ones, then you would need to decide if this guy is someone you're interested in being more than friends with AND how to convey that via your actions.

Words are important, too, though. If you think he is getting ahead of the situation either by the way he behaves around you or by other actions (the sending you flowers) then you need to talk to him and tell him what you're expecting from the relationship. If you or your husband has used the word "poly" vs. "swinging" or fwb then he may have a different idea of what the situation is than what you are actually wanting.
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:40 PM
Chaos Chaos is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
If you or your husband has used the word "poly" vs. "swinging" or fwb then he may have a different idea of what the situation is than what you are actually wanting.
See, that's one of the things I need help with. He's always said poly. From what I've read and the little bits of conversation I've had with others, it seems he doesn't get the poly vs. swinging vs. fwb (and maybe this guy is fwb, but I have to figure that out). *I* think that he wants something, and puts it into the "poly" box, and maybe it doesn't fit there.

I'm going to my friend's house tonight, and she's one of the few people I know who are truly poly, so I'm going to talk to her about this. But there are very few people I could bring this up to, so I wanted to ask people who knew.

I am trying to figure out exactly what I want, and I'm not good with exploring my feelings. I just don't want to hurt anybody along the way.
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Old 05-04-2012, 04:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaos View Post
but touching a flabby boob creeped me out. .
I definitely identify with this comment. Also I never sign using DH ...always D ....so if there is confusion it will be very temporary....use whatever abbreviation you want.

My only thought on your situation would be ....Do what you want to do.... not to accommodate his fetish unless it aligns with what you want and or like.

And perhaps resolve those stress related issues before making these types of decisions....clearer heads prevail type thing.
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Old 05-04-2012, 09:07 PM
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Re (from Chaos, Post #1):
Quote:
"So here is my quandry, I'm just not sure how to treat this other guy. I'm not a super mushy person, and while I get along well with the guy, it's not like I'm going to spend tons of time with him all of a sudden. I've read on quite a few posts that this is about love, not sex."
By "this" you mean ... polyamory? Polyamory (IMO) is about love, romance, and (usually) sex. All of the above.

But who says you have to be polyamorous (or 100% polyamorous) per se? This other guy could easily be your friend with benefits. No harm done, as far as I can tell.

Re (from Chaos, Post #1):
Quote:
"I don't know how to schedule time with him, how often I should ask him to come over, or if I should go to his house."
Why not just ask him about that? I'm sure he'd be willing to work with you on it.

Re (from km34, Post #4):
Quote:
"If you think he is getting ahead of the situation either by the way he behaves around you or by other actions (the sending you flowers) then you need to talk to him and tell him what you're expecting from the relationship."
Good advice, that.

Re (from Chaos, Post #5):
Quote:
"*I* think that [DH] wants something, and puts it into the 'poly' box, and maybe it doesn't fit there."
Quite possible. There's a lot of terminology between all this poly, swing, and FWB stuff. Your husband may want to brush up on some of his terms.

Re (from Chaos, Post #5):
Quote:
"I am trying to figure out exactly what I want, and I'm not good with exploring my feelings. I just don't want to hurt anybody along the way."
Seems like you're coming from a reasonable perspective. Just keep reading, pondering, asking questions, and taking small steps.

Oh, and welcome to our forum, Chaos!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 05-07-2012, 07:04 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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LOL and here I was thinking that "DH" was "Designated Husband"
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:09 AM
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That would be when the regular husband is too drunk to drive.
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