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  #51  
Old 12-13-2011, 12:35 PM
daisyboo daisyboo is offline
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Hi Lila,

I am in a similar situation...my husband wants me to consider a poly relationship. The difference is that he has been having an affair with the other women and since I found out it hasn't stopped.

He seems to have latched on to Poly as a label for how he feels and wants me to comply so he can move his gf in. All this has devastated me and just fills me with overwhelming sadness, I just don't know who I am anymore. I just keep functioning because of our sons, but even they catch me crying and I can't tell them what is going on because it would destroy them.

All I can say to you is stay strong to your values and don't loose yourself in trying to consider if you could handle this kind of relationship.
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  #52  
Old 12-13-2011, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by daisyboo View Post
I just keep functioning because of our sons, but even they catch me crying and I can't tell them what is going on because it would destroy them.
How old are they? It wouldn't destroy them for you to tell them you and their father are working things out and it's making you sad. They don't have to know details but why keep everything bottled up?
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  #53  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
I agree, it seems like he's just trying avoid the title of "adulterer" by adding a "spiritual" dimension to the whole idea. Just recently, due to various audiobooks he's been listening to (Mastery of Love, etc) he now sees himself as "highly intuitive" (but unfortunately NOT so sensitive!) He wakes up with a "warm glow" in his heart and butterflies in his stomach (lucky him!) Therefore, his "feelings" (which he admits are totally out of his control) are now being bestowed on him by "the universe" trying to tell him that there's more to life, he believes his destiny awaits....I told him, OK your thoughts and feelings may be beyond your control, but your ACTIONS are certainly controllable!
Oh, mercy.

This strikes me as yet another attempt on his part to evade responsibility. So far, he's pushed everything off 1) on you ("leash"), 2) his feelings, and 3) the Universe.

Well, who dares to question the Universe?

You might point out to him that this same Universe has just recently dealt you a pretty lousy hand, and you could really use his time and attention to help you deal with it.

He has a simple choice, one that the Universe will not help him to evade: He can pursue "his journey" with you or without you. He made a promise to journey with you and, if he breaks that promise now, it's on his head; it is his choice and his responsibility.
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  #54  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:15 PM
NeedsMoreDrama NeedsMoreDrama is offline
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Other posters have provided a lot more useful advice than I ever could. So I'll be providing a useless perspective instead.

I have to say that your husband's timing is very convenient. It reminds me of my friend's ex-wife: She was cheating on him with an ex-bf (I'm not saying that your husband is cheating on you). Got tired of lying about her affair. So she poked some holes in a condom and got pregnant. She waited until the baby was a year old...then she proposed the idea of polyamory.

Now, in my friend's case, he emotionally disconnected from his then-wife (who, as you can probably tell, is kind of a bitch) and simply stayed for his child.

What I'm trying to say is that your husband is a dick. I know that calling him a dick isn't very constructive.

But he is a dick. A giant, flaming red dick.
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  #55  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How old are they? It wouldn't destroy them for you to tell them you and their father are working things out and it's making you sad. They don't have to know details but why keep everything bottled up?
Daisyboo, I agree with indie on this. Children see more than you think, and a little openness with them could go a long way toward relieving the anxiety they're likely feeling. Above all, they need to know it is not about them. If you don't tell them that much, they may assume too much, and they may be terribly afraid.

Again, you don't have to reveal details, just let them know that you love them, and that the trouble lies elsewhere.
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  #56  
Old 12-13-2011, 09:01 PM
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Oh Lila, and any woman staying in situation like this, leave, really, figure a way to leave and just leave. Its so damaging to stay in a situation where there is disdain and no love. Blah, yick.
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  #57  
Old 12-14-2011, 01:32 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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Hi Daisyboo,

It's so hard when kids are involved, but there's just no way I would allow another woman to move in! NEVER! All I have going for me right now is that my husband hasn't actually started a new relationship with another woman (yet!). It's the only thing that gives me hope in such a miserable situation. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now, and at the same time, prepare myself for the same.

How does your husband think things will work with another woman in the house? what would the vibe be? would you be expected to fake it in front of the kids that you are one big happy family? how old are your kids?

It could help to do as I did and print out all the relevant responses from EXPERIENCED poly people and show them to him, it made my husband to realize (somewhat) that his head was in the clouds...

My thoughts are with you...keep strong (and busy!)
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  #58  
Old 12-14-2011, 01:41 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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I agree he's trying to evade responsibility, that is why I won't be the one to leave. He must decide what he wants and suffer the consequences. I still believe (because he's in so much flux) that there's still hope and I will fight for him regardless. He has stuck by me through really tough times (other ones!) so I will be there for him as long as no other woman is involved.
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  #59  
Old 12-14-2011, 01:53 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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Hey friends, thank you all for your concern, I know it sounds crazy of me to hang in there but I don't give in that easily! Plus there are so many other things to consider that I don't think this is the right time for me to take action.

We are planning to sell this house after the baby is born as well as re-locate, who knows what will happen in 2012? it will be a trying time for all. I know he has been totally disconnected from this pregnancy and caught up in his own world, but the harsh reality of helping me birth our child and watch helplessly as it fades from this world might be the wake up he needs...

If not then it's back to the drawing board!
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  #60  
Old 12-14-2011, 02:24 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daisyboo View Post
He seems to have latched on to Poly as a label for how he feels and wants me to comply so he can move his gf in.
I can understand him asking you to accept his love for this other woman. It's an incredibly poor way to enter poly, and you would be well within your rights to say no, and he should never have cheated, just as Lila's husband shouldn't go down the road of multiple relationships without the consent of all involved (not poly in my book so I won't call it that), but it's understandable to my mind for him to at least ask.

But for him to expect there to be any way for it to work for him to cheat and then want to move the woman into your home... I can't even grasp the thinking. It would create the most toxic environment if one person were miserable or even just resentful, and how could you not be?

Maybe you could provide some helpful perspective to this guy, who is in your husband's position: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18602
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