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Old 11-18-2012, 04:43 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,852

What my husband has said to me today is that our "agreement" was something he was forced into because he felt I would revert to a recurrent illness if he didn't give in.
So he signed up to do something he was not willing to do because of a fear he had. He did not speak to his willingness.

That I have not been loyal to him, because I have been in a relationship with another man despite knowing that he did not "really" agree to it.
  • He gave you false information (past behavior) about his willingness to participate rather than just stating "No. I am not willing to participate." (Giving false information? This is called lying.)
  • Now he is blaming you (current behavior) for feeling yucky feelings that ensued after his own past behavior choice. (This is called not wanting to be responsible for his own actions.)
  • He had the expectation that you would mind reader his "real" information. (This is called an unrealistic expectation. Also called not giving clear communication.)

Do these behavior of his create a trusting,loving environment in the marriage? A list of less than forthright behavior? No.
  • You went with the information he presented in good faith. A wife willing to trust the husband.

Does this behavior of yours help create a trusting, loving environment in the marriage -- demonstrating a willingness to believe the spouse? Yes.

You could bring this up in counseling:
  • What behavior could you each do to help create a trusting and loving environment in the marriage?
  • Who will be doing what?

Could also mention this in counseling:
  • If he cannot know his own wants, needs and limits inside himself?
  • If he cannot articulate them clearly to his spouse so you understand his wants, needs, and limits?
  • If he expects you to be magical mind reader?
  • If he cannot OWN his own behavior choices?
  • If he cannot OWN his own feelings that ensue after his own behavior choices?
  • If he cannot help to create a trusting, loving environment in the marriage?

You cannot hit a moving goal post.

You could ask him in counseling if these are behaviors he willing to change in service to the marriage health so that you both can be in right relationship.

I called my boyfriend and we agreed to cancel our trips, and not be intimate, which really means not being together. My husband is thankful and relieved and says now, finally, he can start putting effort into making our marriage better.
DH got his "time out break" with the scary boyfriend set to the side for a bit. So NOW he will behave differently HOW? Is there a list being prepared in counseling for behavior he will now execute to to help create a trusting loving environment in the marriage for both parties?

Here is your opportunity: what are you wants? Needs? Limits in this marriage? What do you need to be fed here? What do you expect your husband to deliver?

Here is his opportunity: what are his wants? Needs? Limits in this marriage? What do he need to be fed here? What does he expect you to deliver?

Are these things SMART? (S)pecific? (M)easurable? (A)ttainable? (R)ealistic? (T)imely?

Or more "mind reader" type stuff that is not attainable by anyone? If he presents you with a crazy list, you can say you are not willing to sign up for this. Make you a new offer. Make sure your list to him is SMART and in the land of reality.

Assuming you are willing to give him another chance? For how long before the next checkpoint? This is the final checkpoint, right? Because you can't hang around waiting forever for him to choose behaviors that are constructive to the health of the marriage. Rather than indulging in all these destructive behaviors.

Remember to speak to willingness! Do not be willing to be in just any ol' kind of relationship with him. But what it takes to be in RIGHT relationship so you, he and the marriage can be healthy? Is he now going to provide you with the right to responsiveness, clear communication and all that has been missing so you can be in right relationship? Get it written down and be willing to hold each other accountable. Here's ours. Feel free to borrow what helps you as you form yours.

I am crying and crying and crying. I went running until it got too dark. Now what?
I am sorry you are hurting. Do your self care that you need. You could choose to take charge of your own life and your own behaviors after a chance to calm your soul. Yes, you CAN choose!

How can I find closeness and intimacy with my husband, when I so much resent his unwillingness to make this work? I say unwilling in part because he backs out on our agreements, and in part because he flatly refuses to try to learn or understand anything about polyamory on the grounds that he doesn't want anything to do with it.
In my universe, he'd be on strikes. I have a limit. I am willing to work with a partner learning new skills but 3 strikes you are out. I'm not up for endless shenanigans. I want a serious try player. He's not sounding like one.

I've written about mono/poly mismatch in my journal thread - the whole first page and part of second covers my thoughts on mono-poly mismatch.

If you choose to agree to a Closed Polyship of 2, is he going to agree to Open to the authentic poly you and allow you poly expression? Not a LOVER. But share in your inner emotional world? You are starving for emotional intimacy with him.

He can choose to provide for your need for emotional intimacy. He can choose not to. He chooses his behavior. Not you.

But you can see what he chooses next. And then you choose yours: You can choose to stay. You can choose to leave.

I know it is hard to FEEL. But the actions are simple. You choose your own next behavior based on what's going on around you and information received. So choose your next choice. Choose to get on with your living your life in a way that is healthy.

Should I smile and fake domestic happiness and offer my body at night and hope that eventually I convince myself that this is what I want?
How is this YOU tending to your long term health?

I do not suggest this choice. It is not healthy.

Or can I go live in the guest room and write down every wonderful moment I've had with my boyfriend before I forget them, because they have been some of the absolute best moments of my life? At least for a little while?
That is a separate relationship. You can choose to keep the BF. You can choose to break up with him.

Right now I am hearing you chose to cancel a trip with the BF and postpone sex to allow space to work on the marriage and give DH the emotional safety he needs to get his butt in gear and WORK ON THE MARRIAGE.

So let's not jump the gun on the BF thing. Thank him for his patience and willingness to let you focus on this area of your life. Could tell BF you plan to check back in on _____ date so he's not out in the cold.

So now that husband can focus...

What are his deliverables for new behaviors? In what time frame? Try this new way for a month? Then assess?

What do you need to see happening to make this a worthwhile return on your investment? He will choose to perform to spec or not?

If he chooses destructive behavior STILL? When the deadline arrives you could say -- I am sorry. You got your request for BF to be on hold for a month so you could focus on healthy change. You continue to choose desctructive behavior. This does not to meet my needs. We must part ways.

That IS looking out for your long term healths. You love him so you are willing to endure some short term suckage to see if he gets his act together or not. If he doesn't? You can choose to love him from a distance so it is safer for your health. Not throw YOU under the bus.

Loving husband does not mean automatic staying with husband. You can love him all your life. But you do not have to stay in a destructive climate.

YOU choose your behavior.

This hurts SO MUCH! Why must I choose?
You have to choose because you are responsible for your own long term health. You have to live in a climate where you can be able to love and care for yourself well. You have to live in a climate where you can be able to love and care for husband well. Is husband helping to create this kind of climate necessary in the marriage with his destructive behavior choices? No. This is not a health climate for your. You are not choosing between loving BF and loving DH. You are choosing your health climate.

You are here:

1) You can choose to stay in a bad climate with no change.

2) You can choose to ask husband to change his behavior and improve the marriage climate. (He will choose to do so or not.)

3) Then you can choose to stay/leave based on results of his chosen behavior. Because you have a limit on endless suckage. Don't you?
  • Breaking up sucks, but has a light and end of the tunnel. Short term suckage for eventual long term health betterment.
  • Staying in never ending suckage? It is never ending and draining. This is bad for both short term AND long term health.

You can love each of them all you want. AND move you to a healthy climate.

I get to love both my children, and both my parents. How does my loving another man hurt my husband so much?
Ask him in counseling. That is his work to do -- the work of sorting out his feelings and learning emotional management/introspection skills. Learning articulating skills too.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-18-2012 at 05:24 AM.
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