Originally Posted by dingedheart
But how do you figure it's not all about you or at least didn't start that way.
I seem to be a little low on patience today, I must admit. But it's not all about me because my husband and I are a team. We have a very strong marriage. What is good for me is good for him and vice versa. Since you can't separate the action from the consequences, my having other partners is a great thing for him and he strongly supports it. Even from the very first time I had casual sex, once he got used to the idea he saw how it was benefitting both of us. He doesn't have to fuck another woman to be happy that I am having extramarital sex.
He's been there for me even though he's away at work right now. He takes little breaks and texts me and is helping me get through this. He's already texted me that if I cut L loose or the other way around, that there are other guys out there and that I WILL be happy again because he won't stand for anything less. He is truly the love of my life.
I have NOT been unloading on him except when I was so upset I couldn't think straight. That's been twice. The first time he struggled with it. This time, he's been there for me 100%. I apologized but told him that I needed him so much and he told me that he always wanted to be there for me when I was hurting. That's love.
I am not depressed, but I can see why you'd read it that way. I just happen to feel that my bed is a safe place and that's where I go when I'm feeling sad or overwhelmed. I'm a sensory person and I have this fuzzy blanket that helps sometimes. Also, I find if I sleep, it helps me get away from the immediateness of whatever is upsetting me and I often find more perspective to deal with it.
Originally Posted by Cleo
I've been reading your threads from the beginning. Your situation is not at all similar to mine, yet something about the way you wrote about your fears and insecurities really resonated with me. I was reading back in this thread and realized what it was. I could be wrong of course but this is how I see it: your biggest problem was/is that you feel like you have no control. L decided the terms and rules of your relationship, and this was ok in the beginning when your needs were being met, but when he kept changing the script, things got out of hand. Your reading his blog and his sub's blog were all attempts from you to gain back control. But you have to accept that the only control you have is in how you react to things and how you deal with things.
he is not going to be a different man. He will continue to distance himself from you when neccessary (to him). He will continue to be with his sub. He will not come and visit you more. The DADT with his wife is not going to change. These are all things that are out of your control and no amount of emailing him, stating your needs, or crying is going to change that.
I don't think he is as bad a guy as some of the commenters on your threads seem to think. I think he is probably a good guy, who has a lot on his plate, and sometimes slips up in managing his complicated life.
The question is: can you keep the love you feel for this man alive, can you nurture it inside yourself, accepting that the realtionship as you knew it is over, accepting that you won't email or skype with him daily, letting him go as someone who is in your life on a daily basis, and then decide (together!) on a new shape for this connection that you obviously have? Skype once a week, see each other once every couple of weeks?
You know it only SEEMS like you've been compromising on your wants and needs, because you've been upset and hurt about not seeing him. Seeing him less often and being less in touch with him and actually being ok with that, could make a world of difference. And you could still love him, you know.
Some of my situation is, in fact, similar to yours. When I met MrBrown, one of my lovers, for the first 2 months or so, we communicated daily, and saw each other sometimes twice a week. Then he started to withdraw. Dates got more infrequent, and sometimes a week went by without any contact. In the beginning this drove me crazy. I could not understand why he did not want to be with me more, connect more. But as I got to know him, I understood his personality. I think his NRE just faded really quickly. He loves me, I can feel that when I'm with him. I trust him completely. It's just that the relationship has not turned out the way I expected it in the beginning. It took me more than 6 months to finally get it: it did not matter that I was waiting for an email or for him to propose a date. My waiting wasn't going to change anything about his behavior. It only made me miserable.
Now? I'ts good. We see each other once every 4, 5 weeks. The bare minimum of mails and texts in between. And sometimes I text that I love him and he does not reply. But then a week later he'll text me that he's thinking of me.
I still get occasional little tinges of anxiety, usually right after a date. But overall. I have accepted him the way he his, and have accepted the dynamic of our connection. I'm not a victim of his behavior, I consciously choose to be in a relationship with him. And right now, I would not want to chage a thing about it.
Cleo, thank you for your post, because I think you really do understand where I'm coming from. He isn't a bad guy. Is he doing things in a way that I am not thrilled with? Yes. Am I hurting him in return? I am sure that I am. I'm certainly not giving him the support and understanding he needs right now.
We've been emailing back and forth today. I requested a face to face so that we could go over everything and he has come back to me and basically said the world would end if he took a day off work right now and he isn't available on weekends... so there it is. I've been trying, but it's clear that we're both misunderstanding each other via email and that has been decidedly unpleasant. I'm back to being emotionally flooded and not rational. Certainly if I was rational, I would not be dumping all my shit on a guy who barely has time to sleep and eat and is worrying about his wife going through yet another health crisis. So I guess I am just a bad person, plain and simple.
I know at least a couple of points in the last email I sent him weren't fair, and he tells me that I misunderstood his last message too. But I really don't know what's going on. I flooded him and he was going out for an evening with his wife so I doubt I'll hear from him again tonight. I'm a mess myself.
What really hurt was that when I requested the face to face, he gave me his reasons but the answer was just no. It wasn't like he offered a phone call or anything else instead. And I know he's going to a kink thing on Friday with his sub. I asked him why he couldn't even make another suggestion when he knows this is serious, and why he wouldn't be willing to miss the kink event if I was willing to come to his city and talk. If I really am important to him, then why am I coming last on the priority list?
Cleo, I think he basically wants what you have with MrBrown. He asked me in that last email if I'd be okay with seeing him 3-4x a year. He told me that he loves me and that he thinks that our feelings for each other make this more than a FWB situation... but that's effectively what he wants. I am not sure this is something I can cope with. My feelings for him are so strong that I have no idea if I can dial things back to FWB level. And if our feelings make it more, than how can he expect it to be other than what it is? I feel like he wants to force our relationship to change to a different shape than where it would go naturally. But maybe that's what he is thinking about me and we're just incompatible with our desires. I don't know.
By the way, Skyping once a week and seeing him every couple of weeks would be beyond my wildest dreams. Skyping is something I get very, very rarely. Maybe once every month or two if I'm lucky, since his wife can't be around. I was hoping to see him once a month. Apparently, that is asking too much.
I had even told him that when H and I move in a few years, his city was on the list of places we were considering. He told me that he had mixed feelings about me moving there because he thought it increased the risk of his wife finding out about me. I kind of hit the roof in my response, because his sub is local, the other women he was seeing are local, and he still has a profile up on a dating site to meet whoever so how the fuck is all that okay but if I was local it would not be??? I really do want an answer to that one.
Right about now, all I want to do is cry and be held. But I'm alone and have a sick toddler to take care of so I'm not getting much self care in.