Thread: Vicki's Journey
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Old 10-25-2012, 12:24 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
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L and I talked again last night. Apparently there was more information he wasn't letting me in on because it hurt too much to talk about. His wife is going for exploratory surgery in three weeks for a different issue unrelated to her heart. Holy crap. I can't even imagine either having that many health problems or having my spouse with them. I can't say I blame him for burying himself in work and renovations.

On the other hand... if he doesn't tell me what's going on, how am I supposed to feel when he distances himself from me? When I feel like there is no future for us to look forward to, and that all the pain I am going through is for nothing? He tells me to be open and honest with him and I have tried, and then he keeps things back from me. And I can understand why he does it with things that hurt, but it makes things harder for me and it keeps more emotional distance between us.

Obviously I am going to take a big step back from contacting him. The last thing he needs right now in his life is more stress.

Right now though, the only thing going through my head is that I think it's functionally over, whether we've declared the patient dead or not. I am still in love with him, and I want so much to be with him, but I just don't see how it can happen when he has so much going on. I can't maintain this level of emotional involvement without hurting myself, and I don't think I can dial it down to FWB. I've never had a broken heart before and all I want to do is go back to bed and cry. Thank goodness my son goes to preschool today because I just don't think I can function.

I think I am done here. I never wanted to be poly. All I wanted was to have some casual fun with other men, and I never asked for this. What was the point of falling in love if it was going to lead to this? How could we have been meant to meet when it went nowhere?
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Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.

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