Thread: Vicki's Journey
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:07 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 197

Feeling way overemotional tonight so I figured I'd vent here so I can hopefully get some sleep instead of dissecting my life over and over in the dark. I do most of my thinking at night so whenever something is bothering me, I have trouble sleeping. Comments gladly welcomed.

L and I haven't really talked since last Wednesday. Things seem to be back to "normal" between us, by that I mean the way things were during this crazy busy time but before the issue with the blogs, but things with the renos have been insane and I know he is working very hard. He's sent me several apologetic emails and tells me that he misses me and wants very much to spend time with me and that he will try to make time for me this week.

Last night we talked for just a little bit, and he told me that his wife was going out tonight and if we could Skype. I said I was free after my son goes to bed at seven. So, I got excited because it's been so long... four weeks since our last Skype conversation. Then I got a message half an hour ago that his wife got home before my son had even gone to bed, so we couldn't.

I just feel like crying. He just literally has no room in his life for me right now. He says he feels like it's been so long since we talked last, and I'm sure he is just thinking it's been about a week, but it feels like a lot longer than that to me. I feel so disconnected from his life. Intellectually I understand that all that is going on is a hell of a lot of work and not nearly enough downtime, but emotionally, I just feel so lonely and unhappy.

I never thought it would be this hard to just kind of put things on hold for a few months. I know what's going on, it's not that he doesn't want to talk to me, so why shouldn't I be able just to wait? But it's felt so crushing to me. Today is seven weeks from the last time we saw each other and I still really have no idea when we will be together again, except that it will be after US Thanksgiving. I need so badly just to feel his arms around me again.

I should clarify- it's not that we're not talking at all. We texted a little bit today and sent a couple of IMs. What I'm missing the loss of is what we had before the House Renovation That Ate His Life. We used to text during the day and then chat for hours in the evening, every single day. Until this happened, not a single day had gone by since we met that we didn't talk at least a little bit, even when he was away for work trips in Europe or Asia he made time for me. It was still a rare treat to get Skype or a phone call, but we talked so much that I just felt so loved and connected. And we saw each other at least once a month. Going from that to this? I don't even really have words to explain how I feel as a result, except that it's lousy.

I don't know if I can handle this. But if I give up now, I've gone through the past few months for nothing and I'd be throwing away a potentially very rewarding relationship. But I feel like my heart is breaking. I really don't do LD very well. My H travels a lot for work and since I thrive so much on intimate touch, I always had a hard time coping with him going away. But he's home much more than not, and he's never gone for more than three weeks at once and then I usually have him for at least a week. This loneliness is crushing. When I have H around, it's easier, but it's not like H can substitute for L. I am very happy in my relationship with H, and things are satisfying between us. I am longing for intimacy with L, even if it's not sexual. Although I must admit I am missing that, too.

I went out for coffee today with a guy from FetLife and might have something casual with him, and I am seeing one of my previous FWB on Thursday. It's not anywhere close to how I'd feel with H or L, but I'm hoping it will at least distract me a little.
Me: 33 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People: Mark/StbxH, my husband of ten years, now separated for 18 months with no desire of reconciliation.
Henry, 29yrs, my collared submissive, dating for 2 years and cohabitating for 1 year. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son

Last edited by Vicki82; 10-24-2012 at 01:23 AM.
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