Thread: Vicki's Journey
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Old 10-20-2012, 11:54 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I've been thinking a lot about what you wrote, Cleo, and you've probably hit on a lot of the reasons why I did it. I honestly never felt interested in reading her blog before and I think part of it was me worrying that he was lying to me. And that IS a bad thing, because it's not something I want. Worrying is certainly not productive, and I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to worry about it.

I asked myself if I thought he lied to me and the answer is no. Do I think it's possible that he'll keep things from me, or perhaps interpret questions narrowly? Yes. I'm not wild about that, but again, it is what it is, and I can choose to accept that risk or not. I don't think he is looking to lie to me or keep things from me. He's just doing the best he can, like I am. I'm not perfect. I have made a concerted effort to be completely open and honest with him even when it makes me nervous, because I'm pretty sure that most people in relationships do keep at least part of themselves back; they aren't open and honest from the beginning. I've been off the shelf for so long that I don't even remember how to behave early in a relationship.

In context, now that he's explained in more detail about his relationship with her, I think I must have badly overreacted to his blog. If he's not having an emotional relationship with her in the same sense that he is with me, then I guess I can see why he doesn't think it's a big deal not to tell her about me if they're just doing kink. But I still think he handled it pretty badly because I can't imagine he didn't think that it was going to hurt me. In hindsight, it feels like things have been off since that night. He told me he was annoyed and confused that I read her blog, but that it wouldn't change anything between us. I wonder if it has though. Which of course makes me wish that I hadn't told him... see what I mean about keeping things back? But despite being a damn good liar, I really hate lying. It makes me feel dirty. It's like the more I want to keep something from someone, the more I feel like it's on my mind and I can't stop thinking about it until I tell them. And I really don't like it. But I'm not perfect, so I can't expect perfection either. Besides, someone perfect would not be fun to be with, I think!

But I think the other things are part of it, too. I am really missing our connection. It's not even just the not seeing him, hard as it is. It's not getting to talk to him nearly as often as we used to. I worry a lot about what will happen even if things go back to "normal" in December; will this amount of time apart have changed our relationship? It's not like we have years of history built up to keep it going. His life is going on without me, and while I'm happy that he has other good things in his life, I feel out of the loop I guess. I don't know that I am expressing that well.

And I just don't even know what I'm "entitled" to expect. I know he's busy and tired and has his wife and his sub's needs to deal with, so I don't really know where I fit in. It's not just the fitting in either; it's that I know he needs downtime too. Pretty much every day since we met, we have at least emailed to say goodnight even if we couldn't talk. Last night he didn't email me goodnight and I haven't heard from him yet today. It makes me a little bit sad, especially since he knows it is something that means a lot to me. But I don't want to complain about it because I don't want to be another obligation. He already knows, so if he's not emailing me, I can assume he had a reason since he's not a jerk. I'm sure I don't do a great job of portraying him; it's tough to explain an issue and give ALL the background. But he is a good man and he treats me very well. Before all this, I was happier than I've ever been in my life. I just feel like I'm stuck right now, waiting.

And it's not just that, but there needs to be some fun, too. I'm tired of having heavy conversations about issues. I'm tired of feeling crappy because I miss him. I liked it when we just had fun and flirted and chatted with each other. It just gets harder to do that when I'm feeling lonely and down, or I'm still thinking about the issues that are bothering me. I know if we got to see each other it would make a big difference at least in how I feel... but we can't.

It's been nearly seven weeks, and it's going to be longer. I am hurting, and there really isn't much that can be done about it. You are right that at the moment there is a lot about our relationship that I don't like. But before all this crap pretty much ate his private life, I was deliriously happy. So all I can really do right now is keep swimming and wait to see what happens when the crap is finished. I don't know what we'll have then but it's worth it to me to find out.

Although I have to admit that I am still pretty down about the MFM. That was something that was important to me. I'm not sure how I feel about doing it now and that bothers me, too. I believe I am overreacting about it but now every time I think about it, I think about him doing it with her. It feels like some of the specialness is lost if that makes any sense. It was going to be the first time for L, H, and me. But there isn't anything that can be done about it now so I don't know why my sad feelings aren't going away. It's done. Period.

I'm just feeling lonely. It's been nice having H home for the past few weeks but he leaves on Monday for another trip and I'm going to be alone. I have a feeling this is going to be tough since I'm still feeling fragile.
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Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.


Last edited by Vicki82; 10-21-2012 at 12:28 AM.
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