Thanks for commenting. I appreciate knowing that someone is reading and might have some insight for me.
My H and I are not DADT. L and his wife are, and yes it's strict. My H prefers I keep the emotional details to myself, but we talk about L sometimes, often in bed. The intent was to have MFM with H and L. I don't think that anything could be better than having hot threesome sex with two men I love, who both love me. That sounds totally incredible. Both tell me they are up for it. They're both straight but we discussed potential contact and they aren't too worried about it; but it's going to be all about me
H and I have had some incredibly hot intense sex with him telling me what it will be like when L is there with us, too.
If we do it, anyway. I do still have some vestigial negative feelings about L doing it first with his sub. He and I talked last night and I told him what I did. Unsurprisingly, he wasn't too happy about it, but I apologized for violating his privacy and told him I wouldn't do it again. He told me I have some stuff mixed up in my head and that's probably why I am so out of sorts. He tells me that he doesn't see her nearly as often as I think he does (like every two weeks, not multiple times for week), and that he categorizes it almost like a relationship of convenience. He says it's for kink and sex; it's not love like what we have.
I just wish I could see him. I think that would help a lot. 6 weeks and counting.
I don't have to worry about H reading a blog. Not only is he not the message board type, but he and I are pretty open about discussing issues. If he wanted to read it, there is nothing here I would be uncomfortable with him seeing. He would prefer not to know details about my emotions for L, so I doubt he'd come here even if I told him where it was. He knows I am in love with L and that L loves me. He knows L is an incredible sex partner. But he also knows that I love him and my life with him, and that I'm not going anywhere. Last night while I was chatting with L on IM, H came upstairs and cuddled with me in bed. I told him that I was talking to L but only for about twenty minutes more and then I'd be all his. He was fine with it and stayed for a few minutes with me.
On the other hand, L might find this at some point. I don't know if he would go looking for it, but I'm not going to send the link. If he does, I doubt he'll read anything that I wouldn't tell him. I've been trying to keep that promise I made to him to be completely open and honest about things, so it's not like there are any secrets here. It sucked telling him that I read his sub's blog because I knew he'd be upset and I felt awful about it (both reading it and the act of reading it), but I didn't want to lie to him.
H is seriously not the jealous type. Just not something that bothers him. He struggled a little when he had to actually see that I am in love with L since I got so messed up a couple of weeks ago, but he tells me he is fine now. I have done my best to continue to feed his security and lovedness, and to remind him that I am still the same person I was before. I think that has helped a lot.
H and I haven't had a conversation about specialness and stuff, and I guess I didn't think there was anything we should keep between us. So I don't know why it's bothering me about L. It's not that I didn't want him to do it with her at all. I just wanted us to experience it as a first together. Actually, that is the reason why I want H involved in the MFM I think. I do want us to experience that as a first together. I had wanted it to be all three of us... but now I can't have that.