Still feeling a little messed up but I think that has more to do with not sleeping well than anything else. I'm actually proud of the way I managed my emotions the other day. I did not allow my negativity to snowball and ruin my day at home with H and son. I did not go and crawl into bed and cry and hide. I did email L and ask for generic reassurance that doing stuff with me is still special even if he does it with someone else. I haven't yet told him that I read her blog but he wasn't around all weekend. Hopefully we'll get to talk sometime soon. He did email me last night and tell me he misses me and he's sorry he hasn't been around.
I do a lot of thinking when I'm in bed and I figured I'd jot down a few of the things that were running through my head. I'm the kind of person who will replay potential future conversations in my head over and over and then sometimes never have them. But they do give me courage and help me figure out what to say when I do.
So how did I feel when I read those blog posts? Well, as is probably obvious from my last post, I got completely flooded and irrational. A big wave of negative feelings just overwhelmed me and I couldn't handle it. After I wrote here and was able to calm down a little, I tried to pick through everything and that made it a little less upsetting.
My first reaction was just a huge amount of envy. It doesn't matter that she is local and I'm LD when I'm not rational. I just feel sad and frustrated that she can see him three or four times a week and I haven't seen him in six. I want what she has, very badly.
And that led to insecurity. It's been a long time. The more time you spend with someone the more connected you get, so is it that unreasonable that I worry that his connection with her will deepen while mine gets more tenuous? He said to me in a chat recently that we meet different needs, that I am not the kind of person for a D/s relationship and she is not the kind of person to fall in love with. But what does that even mean??? He's told me before that he believes he can love many women but only be in love with his wife. So how exactly is this supposed to be reassuring? I know he has feelings for his sub.
Then I did feel some good feelings that things haven't been as shitty for him as I'd thought they'd been. Not that I ask a lot but when I did, he tells me he hasn't seen her in a few days. I guess I was asking at the wrong times.
I'm still sad that he had the MFM with her first. He told me months ago that he wanted to do it with me first. I'm sure he doesn't even remember. And of course I wouldn't expect him to turn down an opportunity to do something he really wants when who knows when we'll see each other again. But it still makes me sad that we didn't get to try it for the first time together. It takes away some of the specialness for me.
But, any rate, I might be a little down but I'm okay, and that's what matters. I'm glad I didn't dump all my flooded mess on him and instead worked on it myself, since I'm the one who made it.
Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 7 months, and Henry (single poly), 6 months.