I did a bad, bad thing
And now I feel awful, so I am trying to work out my feelings.
I'd actually been feeling pretty good lately. L and I hadn't had a lot of time to talk, but I was still feeling loved and valued so I was okay despite the fact it's been nearly 6 weeks since we've been together.
Then, for whatever reason, I did something bad. Why the fuck did I do it? I knew exactly how it would make me feel and I did it anyway. L's sub has her personal journal linked off FetLife and I haven't looked at it except once at the very beginning of L telling me he was seeing her. At that point I knew it was going to hurt and L suggested it was probably better that I not read it anyway. So I haven't looked at it since.
I still don't know why I felt the urge to do it today. But I did. And now I hurt like hell and I want to yell and scream and cry. I'm here because I want to actually try to work through my feelings rather than just be a big crying mess. What I really want to do is go upstairs to bed and cry. But I have my son home and can't really do that.
They saw each other FOUR times this week. That explains why I haven't been getting much time from him this week. And she wrote about an hour where they just lay together and cuddled... but no, I couldn't even stop there when I already felt like a mess. I had to see that they had their MFM when her fiance was in town. The one thing I had really wanted to do with him first.
So now I don't know what to do. I'm trying to calm down and remind myself that multiple relationships means that nothing he does with her takes away from what he has with me. He loves me and that's what matters. And it's not like he could have seen me on those four nights anyway because of the distance.
But yeah, I hurt. And I still feel like crying. And I'm sure he's going to be disappointed when he finds out I read her journal because their relationship is not any of my business and nothing is different from whether I read it or not so all it's doing is creating more stress. And public or not, I am violating his privacy.
And now would be a really awful time for me to tell me that I need attention from him because the renos are causing stress between him and his wife and the last thing he needs is crap from me too. So I recognize the need to just be supportive right now and wait, but that's hard for me.
And then I still have this thought worming up that I am glad that he got to see her and have some pleasure because I know things are really shitty for him right now and he deserves it. But it hurts that we can't be together right now and there is still so long to go.
Maybe I'm not cut out for poly. I'm sure as hell not cut out for LD. And this time I created the problem all by myself. In fact, there really isn't even a problem except in my head. He didn't do anything wrong. So why am I hurting?