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Old 10-12-2012, 12:00 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
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I haven't seen River post in SO LONG! But, I remember when.

I tend to agree.

I do have rules between Maca and I.

But GG and I, we just have understandings. We talk, openly and honestly and we always have. Sometimes we hear things that make us cringe, though more often than not, the cringe is combined with intense giggling because whatever was said was gross on purpose.
We've never needed rules because anything we are unsure about, we talk to each other about as we go along.

So many things have changed (back and forth even) over the years in our relationship. There have been times when we needed more distance, more space, other times we've needed less distance and less space. We've had a need to include others and a need to not include others.

All in all, it's been primarily a matter of "hmm I wonder what he thinks/feels?" and then off we go on another loving contemplation together.

It's absolutely true that rules come into play with lack of trust. It's quite evident to people who watch my interactions with GG and watch my interactions with Maca.
Many people have assumed that GG and I were the "primary" couple, because we seem "so comfortable" together OR not together. We slip in and out of every situation without much public discussion, because we discuss all of the various ideas in our heads daily-so rarely are we not on tract with how the other feels.
But, Maca and I struggle endlessly with this-and it's my opinion, the issues arise because we DON'T have that level of comfortable communication with one another.

Just last weekend I was at a Pride Conference. GG went along. I ran a workshop and was a speaker in another. Numerous people commented on how amazed they were when they saw the two of us together holding hands at lunch-because they didn't realize we were "together" during the workshops. He spoke as an "audience member" asking questions and I replied with answers. But, we did so in a way that was focused completely on the topic, not on us.
A couple people complimented me later on how smoothly we adjusted from a "professional" role apart in the workshops, to a completely bonded and loving role between the workshops and at lunch. One person in particular must have watched us a lot, because at the end she commented on how enamored she was of our relationship because we slipped in and out of our physical closeness as needed throughout the day as different people needed the attention of one or the other of us.
One specific example, I was called away by someone and that led to two other people needing to talk to me. GG just went along to a workshop he was interested in (carrying our jackets etc with him) and reappeared an hour and a half later. When he reappeared he introduced himself to the conversation and gave me a kiss on the cheek and then became integrated in what I had been involved with.
But, he never showed signs of being stressed or distressed at my attention to other things but him. THAT was because, he wasn't stressed or distressed. He was comfortable and confident (as usual he is) in our bond and knows darn well that none of these distractions are going to take it away. Likewise, I wasn't upset over his disappearance while I was busy either. It was just comfortable, he would be back as always.

I think the worst part about having an affair-is that it really highlights all of what is missing in my marriage with Maca. It makes it impossible to miss that there is a need for rules-because we don't have a joined understanding of what we want as individuals or as a couple. We need to learn how to communicate to one another openly and honestly-but for nearly 15 years-we've failed to accomplish it.
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