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Old 10-09-2012, 12:29 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
My needs do not come first to anybody.
That is not true. Your needs do come first to YOU.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Good has come into my life as a result of our time together, and I have grown as a person. I believe I likewise have been good for him . . . but I question at what point the agitation and upheaval outweighs the good, and at what point do I need to walk away from it before my difficulty dealing with this impacts my children?

Part of my struggle is that I am also dealing with so many other things, and so many responsibilities, single-handedly, while my family and ex-H throw rocks at me figuratively speaking, that I'm not sure how much my current feelings (which at the moment are sliding toward depression) are being impacted by other things and how clearly I'm thinking about the situation with him.

I think my decision boils down to this: is it helping me to have someone at my side even if it can't be 100%, or is it hurting me having the upheaval of this new lifestyle and feelings of being second once again on top of everything else? If anyone has any words of wisdom on that, I would dearly love to hear them. Because I guess that's what my future decisions really come down to.
It sounds like you have a ton of things in your life that need your attention and focus. I can relate to this. When we have lots going on, and we feel the weight of it all on us, we can very easily let ourselves feel overwhelmed. It always helps to remember that each thing has its place in our lives, and that we can only do one thing at a time. Step by step, you will handle all you need to.

Indeed, I know how an all-consuming romantic relationship is a very, very seductive and alluring thing to want to escape to, in order to get away from all that shit we have to deal with and focus on someone else - especially when it's someone who is pretty darn awesome. I have lost myself, or wanted to lose myself, in a man I am dating -- so that I can feel like I'm not such a failure or just that someone wants me. It's like a drug, to get away from the crap being handed to me, the self-doubts, the self-criticism for being in this situation, the responsibilities, and the pain.

Unfortunately, if we try to seek that kind of comfort from the wrong or inappropriate person, we only set ourselves up for possible rejection and more pain. In polyamory, the inappropriate person will likely be the one who has a primary, or the one who is juggling so many partners, we will never feel we get enough. It takes some pulling back from the heady dreams of fantasy-land, to take stock of what we have in the here and now, and to see things more clearly.

When we do a true accounting of our lives, it can be an eye-opener to realize that we, also, don't have any (or much) more time and energy to devote to the relationship than our partner with the other partner(s) does! So, why do we let ourselves get upset when he or she can't give us what we don't really have time for? I suspect it is about some sort of validation, but it's mostly centered on a fairy tale.

We've been duped by society to believe that a relationship that cannot lead to domestic union and totally entwined couplehood (marriage) is worth our energy. How sad it is that we are taught that. Love comes in all shades and hues. There are many ways to find satisfaction and happiness in our lives, and we can create this in our own unique ways instead of waiting for it to be found along the conventional path. I do believe that the biggest lesson polyamory teaches us is to shed societal notions and create individual lives of freedom and love that are uniquely what each of us needs.

You will get through this uncomfortable place, I am sure of it.
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The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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