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Old 10-08-2012, 02:49 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 922

Originally Posted by abejita View Post
putting a relationship or feelings in a box is not something healthy for me.
I think this is part of what has me feeling unsettled and even angry. He claims there is no limit on feelings. I think he believes that and even means it in that he feels deeply for me and I would assume wants me to feel the same. He wants me to feel for him such that I want to call him a couple of times a day and send him loving texts and get together with him even up to four or five times a week. And he wants all these powerful connections and feelings and bonding to happen--what I would even call deep love from me--without me ever wanting more. I can see where this is a scenario that can be expected when dating someone already attached, from within the poly world, but he does seem to have a knack for picking single women from the mono world.

Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
We both have families of our own that will always take priority, as will our spouses.

I have a house and a child with my husband. There is no other relationship that could ever be equal or take priority with that. It's as simple as that for me. I just have to remember that when I am the one in the secondary position.
Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
...always making sure our primaries get their needs met first...
Which is why I question his wisdom in being drawn to single women who have never been involved in polyamory. (All his relationships that I know of have been this way.) It's why I question my own wisdom in going out with him in the first place, because I knew this from the start. It was fine early on. But I find myself becoming more agitated as the bond deepens. I'm in full agreement that his wife should be the priority. But I don't particularly feel, at this point in my life, like continuing a relationship that highlights that I, in fact, am not anyone's priority. My needs do not come first to anybody.

This relates to other situations--the alcoholic family and cheating ex-husband--in which it has been made clear I and my well being are no priority even to the people who should have cared the most. And now I've foolishly chosen to put myself in a position in which the person who loves me the most right now once again does not (in this case cannot) regard me as the priority.

I may have mentioned it, but in moments of agitation, he's told me this would all be fine if I just found someone else. This not only annoys me, as I have no intention of taking more time away from my children to go on a boyfriend hunt to make this relationship more comfortable for the current boyfriend...but it's making me feel like a failure. He tells me how his wife is so swamped with pms on their kinkster site she has to turn her pms off to get away from all the men pursuing her. I don't have that problem. (Of course, I'm not on any kinkster site, but neither do I have this problem at OKCupid.) I've been on two dating sites briefly with no great romance (I should add I was on them only half-heartedly, because I'm not dying to have a boyfriend.) He tells me how he used to try to pick up women in stores, and a relationship site tells me the grocery store is a great place to meet men--nobody has ever tried picking me up at a grocery store! These are things I wouldn't even be thinking about if he hadn't said these things, but now a small part of me wonders what's wrong with me and when BF will start to wonder why no one else is snatching me up.

Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
But he's worth it.
I guess this is exactly the question I'm struggling with.

He has treated me wonderfully. I believe his feelings for me are deep and real, and I believe if he weren't married, I would be his absolute number one priority. (But of course, he is and therefore I can't be.) He has shown great respect for my very different boundaries and beliefs, and made me see that I actually can live by my values in this world and have men still want to be with me. He has encouraged me to live my faith more deeply. He has shown me all the good that others outside of my family and ex-H see in me. He's been a great listener and supporter and helped me with a couple of repairs around the house, in addition to advice on repairs. Good has come into my life as a result of our time together, and I have grown as a person. I believe I likewise have been good for him, as I've watched him make changes in his life (ones I didn't ask him to make, btw--he decided to).

I don't want to say he 'isn't worth it,' but I question at what point the agitation and upheaval outweighs the good, and at what point do I need to walk away from it before my difficulty dealing with this impacts my children?

Part of my struggle is that I am also dealing with so many other things, and so many responsibilities, single-handedly, while my family and ex-H throw rocks at me figuratively speaking, that I'm not sure how much my current feelings (which at the moment are sliding toward depression) are being impacted by other things and how clearly I'm thinking about the situation with him.

I think my decision boils down to this: is it helping me to have someone at my side even if it can't be 100%, or is it hurting me having the upheaval of this new lifestyle and feelings of being second once again on top of everything else? If anyone has any words of wisdom on that, I would dearly love to hear them. Because I guess that's what my future decisions really come down to.
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