ON COMMUNICATION: I VALUE STRAIGHT UP AND DIRECT
is from this thread talking about how to tell someone you are interested in a friends-with-benefits type relationship with them.)
Originally Posted by mya
I'm not sure how I'd react if someone said to me something like GalaGirl suggested. I guess in these things I like to see if the attraction/connection is there and if it is, then just go with it. That kind of direct suggestion feels a bit too...rational for me. Like a business proposal.
Everyone has a different style even at different points in life.
My style as a married IS going to be business like because I want it CLEAR that there's no cheating going on here, and I'm not interested in a fling thing rocking my marriage with crazy drama people. I'm not a single -- I'm a married. And the potential honey has to meet or call DH at least. (I have agreements to meet with DH.)
DH himself actually was my FWB before he was a BF or husband. I was a single then. With him? We hung out a lot as friends and one day I just grinned at him and said, "Hey. I need to take a shower. Wanna join me?"
Whether full on flirty or more paced out business like I've just always been very direct and clear about what I want and what I'm after.
They don't have to say "YES." But if they do they know exactly what they are saying "YES" to. LOL.
I'm having a good day and feeling optimistic about various people in my life.
The abused friend is slowly better. Friend has been hurting but is taking the baby steps forward that need taking and is being very up front about things when talking to me. I appreciate that directness. I told friend to just tell me to shut up if I overwhelm or cross a line -- I don't want to be pushy but this whole drama triggers me. Abuse is horrible. Friend has had to tell me to hold up a few times and I've respected the limit immediately. Because it is NOT about me there. It's the Friend's deal. Friend says "Alright. I am FULL!" and I cut it the fuck out. My job here is not to make the choices for her. It's to remind her resources are out there and where to find them. She will figure out her path. I told her that's what I wanted my job to be and only that -- and she's holding me accountable. I told her MY limits -- and hold her accountable. We are doing ok and in relationship to each other then -- even if her other situation is just soap opera city.
Another friend apologized to me last night for being all caught up in her own stuff and failing to respect my limit and adding to my stresses. I told her it wasn't a big deal but I appreciated her owning it, I forgave her, and it was enough to own it. No further amends needed making. We've been friends for decades. I know Life happens, and anyone can have a bad day. I'm not friends with her this long because she's Ms. Perfect. I remain friends because she eventually owns it when she's being all "YAAARGGGGHHH!" and she realizes she's overstepped. So we're doing ok and in right relationship to each other. I sympathize with her SAHM blues and her tired/cranky making her short tempered. She sympathizes with my plight here with the abused friend making me stressy with worry for my other friend.
THIRD friend is having difficulty in their
Open rship. Who doesn't have challenges? That's why this whole support board exists! Why there are counselors! But that friend is under a heavy heart burden right now, and coping. I offered an ear even though this friend isn't as tight as the previous people. The friend is getting close to the place of articulating wants, needs, limits to their partner and I hope they both rise to meet this latest challenge and they manage somehow to pull through decently. DH and I like them -- however it plays out we hope for the best for them. They too -- trying to own it and keep it real. This is why we are friends with them.
Things in Life just happen. Life is NOT static. What's so hard about just reporting internal weather then as you catch the waves Life hurls at ya?
- State what it is you feel, what it is you want, what it is you need, and the limits.
Then people know where you are at, where you are coming from, and have a clue as to how to be with you in relationship!
I went to lunch with a fourth friend today and we got to talking about non-violent communication and good skills that can be learned there. DH had a date with our kid -- we'd had time as a couple, as a couple out with friends, today was to part ways and be individuals. Hence my lunch date with a pal and him taking kid off to do their dynamic duo thing. That's important -- tending tiers in the polymath relationships.
Anyway, pal and I geeked on Communication Skills. She's all down with NVC right now and was sharing some of that with me. I can see why it turns her on. I've skimmed some of that and I could get deeper into it. Things like
I can see where it could apply in my life.
I really value direct communication. I don't want to dance around. I don't want to play games. I don't want to mind reader. I want to ask a question, get an answer, accept it at face value as a truth shared, and be able to proceed from there. I dislike people lying to me. How can anyone proceed with correct information received from liars? Argh.
Even if a person is confused, I rather hear "I feel confused" as a more accurate weather report than listening to "balaaaaaaarrrrgh!" and crazy acting out stuff or playing the Avoidy game or making shit up and lying.
I really would love to hear more positives. I pointed out to DH the other day -- counseling, support boards -- that's a skewed reality.
The polyships that are running well? They are running well and mind their own business.
I think we do well.
I told him last night point blank that while I could be open to other configurations? My favorite is me as the MFM hinge. Duh. We had it before. There's a reason!
He laughed and told me I just love being the center of attention.
I laughed and said "YES!!!!!"
Then he told me loves that I'm point blank honest about it.
And I said "YES! I have selfish-osity preferences! Wheeee!"
And he said that I'm not being selfish about stating what it is that turns me on the most.
And I said I knew that. And it is true.
But then I felt all flirty and silly and wanted to shout around the room "Me! Me! Make it be all mememememememe!"
And he laughed at me and there is devolved into silliness and sex and the game of "sternly taking me to task for being sooooo bad."
We're not done talking and negotiating. But you know what? If I end up a hinge again one day it is going to be because I just SPIT IT OUT to him directly. And we worked on terms and agreements.
I just don't want it if I can't have it the way I want to have -- in a Good Share.
And he wants that too. He says the ONLY share is in a Good Share.
So no. I'm not a single any more.
I'm a married. I proceed with caution, and much slower speed. Because I'm responsible for not just my own but his buckets of well being -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health.
And if it comes to that dating place again? Hell yah, I'm going to be VERY direct and to the point about what it is I want/seek.
How else can one hope to actually GET IT?!