ON OPENING UP AGAIN: AS A MARRIED.
I just updated my Introduction thread to include this reply to refer back to this blog thread that talks about opening up well as a married couple.
I actually have moved on to start stuffing some of my replies into my Blog Thread.
We are still Closed, and not Opening any time soon. Neither of us wants to mix active early childhood parenting with Polyamory -- it just doesn't appeal to us, and I have yet to come across a possible exception to the rule that moves me to renegotiate with DH sooner on that boundary limit.
I am loathe to act too fast too -- with eldercare pressures on my mind and hands. That's a huge Time and Brain drain.
We are not fit enough to offer ourselves as partners to Other(s) at this Time/Place.
But we've agreed to Open in Mind and Heart to just ourselves. Discuss and negotiate just us two to start for the next year. Work on ourselves and our relationship to walk the perimeters, smell the roses, do the checks, and do an honest assessment. If we WERE to Open -- what new Playground would we be seeking? What configuration? How to best execute that mission?
So lovermine, here we are NOW. Where should we go next? He's been walking with me and traveling 'round the Sun with me near on two decades. I value his input.
I have started the thread for us to collect bookmarks for deeper offline conversation. (DH tends to lurk and read me and then talk to me in person or over email.)
We'll see where all that ends up when we are done talking. If we decide to park it there for longer or move it forward to Opening in Body and Soul too. And actually move it over to an active dating phase.
There is a Time and a Place for Everything. Everything should be at it's proper Time and Place.
Some things are NOT in my control in Life. But some things ARE. Like when I choose to be Open to More Love to Come In and when I choose to be CLOSED because there is too much going on already.
I always am amused at people who think they are not "really poly" or it doesn't "really count" as polyamorous practice unless they are actively dating or actively in a multi-partner configuration. I think polyamorous people are polyamourous 24/7! When are we NOT tending to the matters of the Heart? Our own Heart to start, and then that of our chosen Loves?
My merely being Open To More Love doesn't mean it will come at all, or come in the shape I want it to come. DH himself arrived in my life much too soon -- and I had to grapple with that then. A possible VERY Right One, but not quite at the right TIME!
I never bought the idea that there is only ONE Right One for me out there. I think there are MANY Right Ones out there -- but they don't always come at the Right Time or at the Right Place.
That is on me to discern for myself. Am I at a Right Time? Am I at a Right Place? Is he? Are WE?
So I think a lot. I know I sometimes think too much. It's constant Conversations Already in Progress inside my own head.
I like to yammer.
I was amused because this blog thread points to my intro today and then I made my intro point to this thread.
And it's just one simple recursive loop around within my internal circuitry of Head Thinks.
I cross reference and cross index a lot. I tend to think out in webs. Not just linear, or multilinear. But knitted webs tapping many internal buckets of Logic, Reason, Emotion, Intuition, Experience, and more for possible useful reference points on the pass before I arrive at the final Conclusion. Whatever that is. A new partner would have to get used to that style of processing.
"There IS a method to my madness" is something I sometimes say to DH.
"I know I'm intense" is another.
So's "I'm trying to stay in good temper here, dude! Work with me!" which is a volume knob improvement from yesteryear's high volume of "Goddammit! I am fucking PISSED OFF! You make me NUTS!" I'm owning my own bag like an older grown up person, not a young grown up person. When I used to say he made me nuts, I know he can't MAKE me feel anything. But the SITUATION is making me nuts, and he is part of the situation making, so play ball! And play RIGHT!
He sometimes shakes his head at me and goes "You'd think after living with you so long I'd just LISTEN to you the first time and trust that you know what you know and you aren't really as crazy as you sound. Because that totally worked!"
Once we went to buy outdoor chairs at Home Depot and when we got to my car I asked if I could help him get it off the dolly.
DH: I got it.
Me: Ok. (And having learned that we end up quibbling if I press too much, I just let him OWN the Process of Putting In the Chairs. I'd done my job. I checked in. I offered. I was now doing my job again -- to let him have space to OWN IT.)
And I stood in the parking lot watching him fight with my car and our new chairs for a good long while. 5 min? 10 min?
I watched him go through cranky, fussy, upset, then wry amusement and then finally articulation.
DH: Is this one of those times where I should just listen to my Wife in the first place?
Me: Yes. Would you like me to give you advice now?
DH: (laughing) Yes. I would like to hear advice now.
Me: Stop trying to shove it in like that over and over via the trunk. It clearly will not work. You have already tested and re-tested it completely. Yay. So come in from the side via the back passenger door. It will be snug but should just fit.
DH: (executes, chairs slip in snug, but with just enough room to clear. He is pleased and amused and owns his own silly.) I should just learn to listen to my Wife more often when she offers me advice.
Me: Yes, your Wife agrees. I may not know everything,
but I do know the shape of my own car pretty well.
I also know the shape of my own Mind damn well.
DH always tells me he loves that, and it's one of the many reasons he loves me. It may seem like spaghetti code all crazy. But it's more like a fractal
layers. I know which one I'm
on. I may not initially explain well which one I'm currently on, and may not notice if you are lost right away but that doesn't mean *I* am totally lost. I know where I am in my head. I just don't get it out of my mouth and into your ears well all the time.
I could be lost. I sometimes do get lost and brain fart. Most of the time I'm not
lost though. I worry sometimes though as I age and deal in this chronic patient health biz of mine -- I'm gonna start to slip one day in Mind more permanently than the occasional brain fart. Sigh.
But that is speaking to future, and tonight? I'm in a happy layer so yay.
Happiness and off to find my honey bunny to play snuggles at bedtime. Whee!