I got it Ruinin.I didn't think that's what you were saying
You may want to concentrate on Mono's posts and threads as he may speak to how you are feeling. A lot of what you have said about your relationship with the "idea" of poly he seems to mirror. Obviously he and I have talked a lot so I don't remember what is on here and what we have talked about in private. I can certainly speak in a PM to you more as can he (if he chooses)if you have questions you don't feel comfortable addressing on here. Sometimes being open on here might not feel safe, but I assure you that Mono and I have talked about some really hard stuff in regards to mono/poly relationships and I for one would be willing to share with you and would be an unjudgmental listening ear.
Thanks for doing the work needed to understand poly. You must really love this woman if you think its worth trying to understand. A lot of mono people would not bother. I commend you for attempting to bridge the gap