Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-11-2010, 01:50 AM
myelsewhere's Avatar
myelsewhere myelsewhere is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: SE KS (temporarily)
Posts: 8
Default The "I'm not cheating" conundrum

This is a spin-off from my introduction post, in which I mentioned that DH has encountered the issue with meeting females in bar/social situations who are all over the idea of seeing/hooking up with him, as long as they think it's cheating. Once he mentions that I know, and that I'm okay with it, then they're not interested or even tell him outright that it "weirds" them out.

Not to say that this isn't a problem for females either. Even in my short time exploring this lifestyle, I have had two guys tell me they can't do the "married woman" thing, even if it's okay with my husband. Of course, one of them made out with me in the parking lot still, but that's another story... I think it was more of a "I'm not interested in a married woman" than an "I'd do you if you were cheating" thing.

I guess it weeds out the ones who are looking for drama or an illicit affair, but nevertheless it's frustrating. Mostly frustrating to DH because he is/we are new to this and, combined with a not-so-liberal geographical location and a lack of many social outlets, he feels like he is at a disadvantage.

Why do you think people act like that about the cheating vs. poly admission? What are your experiences with it? Have you ever lied and said you were cheating just to get some action? (DH wouldn't go that route, just curious about the experience of others.) If so, how did it end up?
__________________
~Elle~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Ana´s Nin
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-11-2010, 02:12 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

I've encountered the same sort of thing--women on OKC approached me (and poly was explicit in my profile) and acted interested until it was apparent that my wife did know about what was going on, generally, and that I was communicating with them, specifically. There was a good deal of interest that got stifled at that point.

I suspect it has a great deal to do with those folks being unable to wrap their heads around anything other than dysfunctional monogamy. They've managed to rationalize their intent to cheat with somebody else's husband and have come to terms with that. Coming to terms with a poly entanglement is a foreign concept and more than they're prepared for.

Perhaps it's due to feeling safe that the relationship wouldn't get very serious because it would be an illicit affair and the man isn't likely to want to shack up or anything like that. They can get the passion and excitement they crave without the demands of a serious, daily relationship. When that potential relationship turns out to have the possibility of becoming a serious, daily thing, it's beyond their comfort level.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-11-2010, 10:36 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,000
Default

My boyfriend recently admitted to me that he's trying to get over some guilt at being "the other man" in my life.

I've not given him reason to feel this way, and he has stated that he knows it's an irrational feeling, which he believes is due to societal conditioning. So, we're working on it.

So ... even when you do find a good one, be prepared for the other end of the spectrum!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-11-2010, 01:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Think about it.............

People bunjee jump, drive fast, take drugs.........
Not much adrenalin flowing if it's all open, honest and part of a normal (?) day
Modern society = drama/adrenalin junkies.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-11-2010, 03:10 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
My boyfriend recently admitted to me that he's trying to get over some guilt at being "the other man" in my life.

:
This feeling still rises up in me from time to time...I.E. recently. It is definitely influenced by external reaction to my relationship whether real or imagined. Who the hell wants to be seen as "the other guy" or the guy who is ruining some one's marraige?

That being said, poly meets different needs than an affair in my experienced opinion of both.

I get why people would want affairs and why others want poly. I don't agree with cheating but I do get it. My biggest beef is when you combine poly with cheating in any way. To me if it isn't all out in the open with everyone, you're cheating either directly or by proxy.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-11-2010, 04:04 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,000
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This feeling still rises up in me from time to time...I.E. recently. It is definitely influenced by external reaction to my relationship whether real or imagined. Who the hell wants to be seen as "the other guy" or the guy who is ruining some one's marraige?
Mono, I never would've guessed that you, (who seems to have a fantastic tribe from what I've seen on here!), still has these feelings. It's ... reassuring to the rest of us, though I don't wish it on anyone!

I suppose it doesn't help that we're not really "out". I mean, I don't get squeamish holding Mr. A's hand in public or being affectionate other than when it's outside my own personal comfort level with PDA (regardless of the partner). But, we live in a small city, much of Indigo's family is there, my family is close, and Mr. A's family is close. We're all young (25-29).

A few of my friends know, but not the majority. We all have an agreement that if we are seen by someone, or if there's a chance of anyone being thought of as a cheater/cheatee vs the truth, then it's always the truth.

Either friends will see Indigo or me with a partner and be introduced to them as such, or we'll come out when the time feels right. As for any introductions from Mr. A to his friends and family in a non-accidental way, I've left that up to him.

Sorry, back to OP!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-11-2010, 06:51 PM
immaterial immaterial is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 133
Default

Secrets have energy. What people are looking for is not love, but distraction. A shame-based, mixed message culture encourages duplicitous behavior. For me, cheating has always equalled simple misery, but I admit, before the fact and act, it had an allure. The excitement of a lie. Lies do have energy, the energy of separation from reality. It's a willful and greedy embrace of the ego. Lots of people don't want love anyway, they just want to be desired, or to feel desire. Honesty now is the sexiest power now, for me, but used to just elicit fear. I used to even lie and say "My relationship is ending" when I was pursuing someone new, even when the relationship was actually just going along. Or I would say "We have a DADT arrangement." Ha, right. Unilateral shenanigans.

But it is definitely true that many women are not interested in open, honest and communicated situations. If I changed my OKC profile to lie and say I am in an unhappy marriage, I am just looking for excitement and adventure on the side, I would have a lot more going on. It's very funny.

What we take for love is often just an exchange of pathologies under the table.

Immaterial

Last edited by immaterial; 08-11-2010 at 07:00 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-12-2010, 05:26 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
Secrets have energy. What people are looking for is not love, but distraction. A shame-based, mixed message culture encourages duplicitous behavior. For me, cheating has always equalled simple misery, but I admit, before the fact and act, it had an allure. The excitement of a lie. Lies do have energy, the energy of separation from reality. It's a willful and greedy embrace of the ego. Lots of people don't want love anyway, they just want to be desired, or to feel desire.
oh so true and so well said. I totally agree and have noticed this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
Honesty now is the sexiest power now, for me, but used to just elicit fear........
What we take for love is often just an exchange of pathologies under the table.
Also agree, I felt the same way.... oh what a sad pathetic woman I was... I am so proud to of changed all that... no pathologies under the table for me from anyone.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-12-2010, 05:24 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

I have come across this situation, and for me, here's where it's at:

I'm not looking for something on the side, and I won't enter into any relationship I have to hide from Fidelio. When I meet someone who IS looking for clandestine adventure, I know we're not looking for the same thing, and thus simply not going to be compatible. Same as if he/she were a heavy smoker, active addict, or pro-ana. So it's "thanks for the interest, but it's a no-go." No harm, no foul, and move on.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-13-2010, 11:36 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 100
Default

I find this interesting because I find myself on the other side,my partner is poly,and I am mono but he has lots of female friends(some of whom he's dated in the past) who phone him when they want a threesome with their boyfriend. they just assume because he is openly poly that neither of us would mind. I find this 'propositioning' a little irksome as my concept of polyamory is not of multiple casual partners,and neither is his.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cheating, drama, honesty

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:33 AM.