I am the one she loves and wants to be with, live with and we can both see other people (not like a regular relationship) she describes it as friends that hang out with and have casual sex. At the same time she doesnt want me to know the person(s) but says it would be the same person for a while just because it takes time to find someone who wants casual setting like this, but she also admits she doesnt tell him she is in a relationship either.
Honestly? I feel sorry for you. I also wish you'd just man up, dude. This is YOUR life too, YOUR relationship too. And it is YOUR flat you are paying for.
That "nice guy" thing is lame. Don't be that.
1) She's using you for rent. Basically you pay her half the roomie bills for a lil' sex now and then? What's that all about? If you are cool with that, fine. But you do not sound cool with that.
2) If she is going into polycurious world, and you guys are young students and not totally ready to be "out" to your parents and stuff, I get that. It takes time to get confident with the 'rents. But this isn't about the parents is it?
3) I think your eyes are clouded by her being your lover, perhaps first lover, perhaps first GF type person. But this is not a good GF to have. I don't buy that she's Ms Independent and oh, so special.
I was one once. Ms Independent. I told ALL my dating partners in college I was not looking for exclusive. I had one lover. Named. And if any wanted to meet him they could (and did -- in person, by email, had phone if they wanted). They could all access him and verify that YES, I was being honest, I was not a cheater or hiding anything.
I expected condoms on at all times both with us and with whoever might be loverly. I was also taking BCP. I also screened for STDs and expect this periodically.
For my lover, I expected full information if any of his other dating was looking to GET "loverly" before it actually did.
I expected to be informed by Lover when this was brewing, so I could make a health decision for ME -- do I want to overlap here in lover land, or is this where I check out now? And free him to pursue lover land over there with that partner? I felt this was a reasonable request and not a crazy thing. To want health information to protect MY sexual health.
None of my people had a problem with it but one, and he was just mad that Lover was my Lover and he was not getting to be my lover yet! Well, I dated him, and I didn't feel the magic yet. And? I'm not a candy bar everyone instantly gets a bite from! Sheesh! That is not what poly is! I broke up with him.
There was a plan for unwanted pregnancy, STD, and whatever else discussed with Lover.
So this business of hers skulking about? She's not being honest with you or D. Telling you to man up and trying to change you over into something you are not? Why doesn't she man up then, and step it up on the truth and honesty meter? Get it ALL out in the open to ALL?
Because abusers and users do their dirty work in the dark. That is why. Love doesn't skulk in dark corners and treat people so cavalier and disrespectful.
And no, this is not poly -- poly is open, honest with all partners aware and consenting. You and D. should have long ago had the talk and gotten on the same page because you are each others metamours then.
You are not sounding consenting and confident. You are not sounding loved and respected and honored.
You are sound used. That is not "unique" by any stretch.
At the same time she doesnt want me to know the person(s) but says it would be the same person for a while just because it takes time to find someone who wants casual setting like this, but she also admits she doesnt tell him she is in a relationship either.
Run for the hills!
This chick is fine lying to you all, so god knows if she's having safe sex or cootifying you all going bareback. AND if she gets preggo somewhere... then what? That your bill too?
That she doesn't want to broadcast to her "real dating partners" that you are more than her "roomie?" That doesn't sound like she's honoring you as her BF.
Or it is the other way? That she doesn't want to broadcast to her "real dating partners" that you are more than her "roomie?" Because you are her landlord and she pays you in sex. Doesn't paint her very flatteringly then either does it?
Hell, I tell her sometimes I do feel less of a man when she is constantly critiquing everything about me (what I wear, how I sit) - I dont know if that is what is driving her away (me being somewhat "weak" personality) or what...
Nothing is driving her away, dude. She's just not that into you to begin with. She services you for free rent. You are a chore, not a person. If you lived in separate flats, would she still come around?
This is YOUR sex health and life at risk.
This is YOUR emotional health, mental health, body health, soul health, kiddo.
You deserve more than this, something better than this.
Take care of you, please.