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Old 05-21-2012, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
My wife said that sort of thing after we got together. I pointed out to her that any place I can't bring any guest I choose is *not* my home, so I'd be moving out into a nearby apartment. She doesn't get to choose who my guests are in my home.

So I understand why your gf is upset. You're trying to tell her that she can't choose whom to host in her home. I wouldn't be surprised if she decided that's unacceptable and moves into her own place.
I can see how it would be unacceptable for the OP as well, however. My home is my haven. My cave. My 'safe place.' Being Mono, I extend that haven to my relationship with my partner, and to me, that is within the context of *our* side of the relationship and not his to give away without agreement. That said, however, I wouldn't be uncomfortable with it if I weren't there (as long as we discussed it first), but the OP's mileage seems to vary here.

I *do* expect to have a say in who comes into my home, period - OSO, friend, acquaintance, or stranger.

Sharing a home prior to opening up the relationship makes this a very hairy situation, and it wouldn't surprise me for one person to have to carve out their own 'safe place', but this should be negotiated carefully.

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
She is an adult, correct? You don't get to decide that sort of thing for another adult. You can decide that for your children.

Were somebody to try to tell me what time I had to be home, I'd walk off laughing.
There isn't anything wrong with asking, though - again, maybe with the idea of revisiting the rules later and maybe renegotiating once the OP sees that his relationship is still okay.

Corey, perhaps you want to closely examine what it is you hope to achieve by that rule (and the others, including the "not in my home" one)... what is it that you NEED out of your GF, and ask her for that? If you really need to feel as though you're not being forgotten or left behind, then attempting to hit each symptom with a rule will be like swatting a cloud of mosquitoes by hand. You'll FEEL absolutely ridiculous after a while, and it's just not going to work.

Maybe you're not quite sure yet, and that's fine. The rule/revisit cycle may give you time to figure that out in a way that's more comfortable for you.

Wanting to know what she's doing, so maybe you can do it too? It comes across as trying to be "everything" to her. She more than likely doesn't believe you CAN or SHOULD be everything, and you truly shouldn't try to do things you wouldn't normally want to do, just to be someone you think she wants you to be. She doesn't want you to be anything other than yourself.

What I have told my partner, however, is that, regardless of what types of activities his OSO and I gravitate to (and how different they may be), that he should NEVER assume that I don't want to do <x> or <y> because she does. And vice versa. Unless it's *special* to them, then nobody should be excluded from having an experience (going to a particular city or a restaurant, etc.), and you might learn some fun new facts about each other and yourselves.

Lots of other advice being given, so I'll stop here. Hoping for all the best...
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