Reasonable Boundaries

I am wondering, if it is a reasonable boundary to request that a partner does not have causal sex prior to a date or two. The reason I ask this is because I know some see sex as a starting point in a relationship, or discover the connection they have with someone because of casual sex. I am not like this but I believe my partner is. While some days I still struggle to understand if being in poly relationship will ever be a perfect fit for me, I have learned to understand the possibilities and appeal of polyamory. I have however still been strugling with the concept of casual sex.

There are options to deal with this. One suggestion was that my partner makes whatever effort possible to tell me he may be having sex that night I.e., "There will be drinking, and I'm seeing this girl that I think is cute. Something might happen," in the hopes I can mentally prepare myself, perhaps lessening that "surprise factor."

I don't feel the desire to make any sorts of rules like, "You can not have sex unless I am included."

Likewise, I am unsure if making a boundary that states I'd prefer to know about possible sexual interaction before the event (if possible) will even help me deal with my jealousy at all.

Other possibilities brings me back to my original thought-- would you ever request that your partner get to know someone before having sex?

I have trouble making boundaries, because I feel a lot of jealousy, and to me, boundaries are sort of like compromises. I don't want to tie down my partner to a bunch of absurd boundaries, and at the same time, I do not want to sacrifice myself for a lifestyle that I don't feel is completely innate.

It sounds to me like you and your partner need to do a whole lot more communicating before either of you progress into a polyamorous relationship. IMHO, when you, as a couple, move toward polyamory, both of you should feel absolutely secure and comfortable in the knowledge that, no matter what else happens, your commitment to each other will still bond you together. Period. All the niggling little questions and fears have been brought out into the open, and solutions either willingly agreed to, or the emotion dragon has been slayed. If Bboth of you are not moving towards poly with a willing heart and an eager smile, with just a tinge of anticipatory fear, then there needs to be more communication and happy agreement, or disaster awaits the union.

That's my two one hundredths of a dollar on the topic.

I would agree that thorough communication is in order, but I do not believe there should be any issue with setting boundaries. Polyamorous relationships are not about sex, so if you believe your partner is the type who can seek sex first before the relationship, maybe being polyamorous is not the best fit. You guys can recruit sex partners via swinger's sites if that is primary for your partner. To me, once you've entered into a polyamorous relationship, the sex is no longer casual. So it seems like there needs to be an in-depth sit down.

Um... Having sex prior to a date is classified as "swinging" to my wife and me. We have been out on 6 or 7 dates with the same woman within the last 3 weeks. Still not even as much as a kiss from her. I haven't tried to push it, either. We are trying to build this relationship from the ground up, and are going super slow so we can make it last a lifetime. We really hate the hunt, and therefore, try to make things last as long as possible.

We have gone out on dates before when we slept with the person/people on the first date. Two of those turned into relationships which lasted around three years. This time, though, we are hoping for a longer relationship.

You can and should request a boundary for anything you think you might be, or are uncomfortable with. Whether or not your partner agrees is up to them. If they don't, then it's time to negotiate and get to the bottom of what is going on for you or them.

Agreed, more communication.

About the only boundaries I find suspicious are the ones where partners are only allowed to choose a particular gender when they have attraction to both.
Such as when a male in a poly relationship insists that the female in the relationship only take on other female partners or VV.

redpepper said:

You can and should request a boundary for anything that you think you might, or are uncomfortable with. Whether or not your partner agrees is up to them. If they don't, then it's time to negotiate and get to the bottom of what is going on for you or them.

Agreed, more communication.

Click to expand...

Rarely do I disagree with Redpepper, but here I do. You should think about why this boundary is something you need before discussing it. What is the point of talking to someone about how you feel if they can just continue on like you didn't say anything? You already identified you differ in the realm of casual sex, right? How would you feel if you were told that it makes your partner uncomfortable that you don't have casual sex the first time you meet someone?

Boundaries are, in my opinion, covers for insecurities or deeper issues. Ask yourself why you need such a boundary. Are you afraid of something? Get down to the bottom of why boundaries are needed. Boundaries set by those involved with one another are different then boundaries set by an outside party.

For example: if I were to tell wifey that I do not want her to kiss SlikkNikk in public, then that would be me setting the stage for a relationship that I'm not involved in, especially if those involved disagree with said boundary. To add to that, it also creates an issue with natural progress in a relationship. But one set by those involved like the one from 40 Year Old Virgin-- "No sex for 20 dates," keeps those who are involved in control of their own relationship.

Just my thoughts.

Spread the love,
PT

polytriad said:

Rarely do I disagree with Redpepper, but here I do. You should think about why this boundaries is something that you need before discussing it. What is the point of talking to someone about how you feel if they can just continue on like you didn't say anything?

Click to expand...

Some of us need to talk about something in order to get to the why of it. Also sometimes we need the feedback of another to get there. It drives me crazy when my husband doesn't say anything, because he is still "thinking" about it. To me, it feels like he is just ignoring me.

glowinthedarkstars said:

I am wondering if it is a reasonable boundary to request that a partner does not have causal sex prior to a date or two. The reason I ask this is because I know some see sex as a starting point in a relationship, or discover the connection they have with someone because of casual sex.

Click to expand...

Okay, um, to reverse this, how comfortable would you be with your partner telling you to have sex on your first date to help them be comfortable with it being a sexual relationship?

I understand people have boundaries, but sometimes people's styles are just different. If I meet the right person, sex becomes a big part of the getting to know you stage. I would be a little resentful if that was absolutely 100% restricted.

Now, as a full-grown adult who is able to control his hormones, will I run out and jump everyone who flinches? No. But being forcibly restricted like that can be a tough pill to swallow.

I can count on one hand (well, less than) the number of times I have had casual sex and it didn't become more. So for me, sex is a gateway into a relationship of some kind. I am not likely to offer up my sexuality unless there is more than just a chance of bumping pelvises.

In the inverse, to further my example. I can count on one finger the number of people I took time to get to know, fall in love with, and then have great sex with (my girlfriend, listed in my signature, for the record).

So if your partner is anything like me, you are restricting his ability to find love.

I am not like this, but I believe my partner is. While some days I still struggle to understand if being in poly relationship will ever be a perfect fit for me, I have learned to understand the possibilities and appeal of polyamory. I have however still been struggling with the concept of casual sex. There are options to deal with this. One suggestion was that my partner makes whatever effort possible to tell me he may be having sex that night, i.e., "There will be drinking and I'm seeing this girl that I think is cute. Something might happen," in the hopes I can mentally prepare myself, perhaps lessening that "surprise factor."

Click to expand...

How has that worked for you, that mental preparation? I will continue below.

Likewise, I am unsure if making a boundary that states I'd prefer to know about possible sexual interaction before the event (if possible) will not even help me deal with my jealousy at all.

Click to expand...

You have to figure that out. Does knowing at all actually help or hinder? Maybe those initial stages of his finding a relationship are best left unsaid. Oh, I know, this is bordering on DADT. But it's not. What's wrong with him saying "I am interested in a girl, we have a date" and leave it at that? Let him build his relationship how HE builds it. Sometimes the details just get in the way of the big picture.

Other possibility brings me back to my original thought, would you ever request that your partner get to know someone before having sex?

Click to expand...

Never.

I have trouble making boundaries, because I feel a lot of jealousy, and to me, boundaries are sort of like compromises. I don't want to tie down my partner to a bunch of absurd boundaries, and at the same time, I do not want to sacrifice myself for a lifestyle that I don't feel is completely innate.

Click to expand...

Most absurd boundaries are the ones where the person is seeing their rule set through their eyes only. Some people could use a real dose of removing the rose-coloured glasses.

You are asking questions. That's awesome. It means you are trying to process. Kudos to you

To the ones who mentioned swinging, since when did common dating practices become swinging? This type of casual sex encounter is as common as hanging out and waiting for someone you love to walk up and smack you on the head. It sounds like the bf in this case wants to be free to date as he would as a single man. Very different than swinging, which I think is very couple-centric.

Casual sex is not the antithesis of poly. They can be married together nicely.

Ariakas said:

As a full-grown adult who is able to control his hormones, will I run out and jump everyone who flinches?

Click to expand...

I just have to correct this statement. I could stand on a chair and not be as tall as you. You're a bit more than "full grown."

SNeacail said:

Some of us need to talk about something in order to get to the why of it. Sometimes we also need the feedback of another to get there. It drives me crazy when my husband doesn't say anything, because he is still "thinking" about it. To me, this feels like he is just ignoring me.

Click to expand...

The difference is that you probably ask if something is bothering him. I'm talking about doing some thinking before talking, or talk to him/her and ask for help getting to the bottom before posing unrealistic boundaries.

MonoVCPHG said:

I just have to correct this statement. I could stand on a chair and not be as tall as you. You're a bit more than "full grown."

Click to expand...

haha. Touche!

Pshhh... I keep hearing people who say "No boundaries should be set... ever... for anyone." If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships.

My wife and I have boundaries set, so that we have certain actions which are reserved for just each other. It's our little way to let each other know that we are still attached. My gf V and I don't have anything that is "just ours" yet. Maybe someday, when we get further into our relationship, we will. But I'm not going to put the cart in front of the horse on that one.

TL4everu2 said:

Pshhh...I keep hearing people who say "No boundries should be set... ever... for anyone." If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships.

Click to expand...

That makes no sense. At its root, polyamory simply means loving more than one. Being open doesn't do that by itself. Everything around poly that is anything beyond loving more than one is a construct created by people involved.

I am not saying there shouldn't be boundaries. But the boundaries should be reasonably fair. My point still works, as I can see it from that side of the coin. I don't usually build relationships as nice slow simmering love buckets of friendship. It worked amazingly well with SJ, but that is a unique experience in my world. Hell, I even met my wife as a "quickie."

My wife and I started with boundaries, lots of them. As we progressed we dropped those boundaries, renegotiated and replaced. I am a fan of them, as long as they aren't hard and fast, and they are fair.

Forcing my partner to be someone they aren't for the sake of my own comfort just feels wrong to me (it would be like my wife forcing me to stop having female friends-- which wouldn't happen, ever). Glow is describing a fundamental difference in how they socialize.

That's my 2 cents, anyway.

TL4everu2 said:

I keep hearing people who say "No boundaries should be set... ever... for anyone." If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships.

Click to expand...

I don't understand the concept of boundaries. I am monoamorous and my wife is polyamorous. My wife's relationship with her boyfriend is their relationship; it’s unique and different from my relationship with my wife. I do not tell my wife what she can and can't do with her BF. I do not interfere with their relationship. That wouldn't be fair to the two of them. He and I hang out sometimes; all three of us went to a dueling piano bar this weekend.

Putting restrictions on sex is not fair to the third person in the relationship or your spouse. Would you date somebody if you couldn’t kiss them, do it doggie style, etc.?

I don't let my insecurities get in the way of their relationship. I knew she was poly when I married her. Her relationships last for years. (She only has one BF at a time.) I try very hard to welcome her BF into our lives. In 21 years of marriage, she has had 6 bfs. The longest lasted 8 years.

Ariakas said:

I am a fan of them, as long as they aren't hard and fast, and they are fair.

Click to expand...

I agree with this, Ari. My wife and I have had boundaries set in place for a long time. However, as we have matured, a lot of them have fallen by the wayside.

neohio44122 said:

I don't understand the concept of boundaries. I am mono and my wife is poly. My wife relationship with her boyfriend is their relationship; it’s unique and different from my relationship with my wife. I do not tell my wife what she can and can't do with her BF, I do not interfere with their relationship. That wouldn't be fair to the two of them. He and I hang out sometimes; all three of us went to a dueling piano bar this weekend.

Putting restrictions on sex is not fair to the third person in the relationship or your spouse. Would you date somebody if you couldn’t kiss them, do it doggie style, etc.?

I don't let my insecurities get in the way of their relationship. I knew she was poly when I married her, her relationships last for years. (She only has one BF at a time.) I try very hard to welcome her BF into our lives. In 21 years of marriage she has had 6 bfs. The longest lasted 8 years.

Click to expand...

To answer one of your questions, I am currently dating someone that I can't kiss passionately (yet). I have no desire to do so (yet), but my wife isn't comfortable with me doing that (yet) either. However, I asked her if she would be open to the idea. Maybe not this week, maybe not this month, hell, maybe not in six months. But as long as she's open to the idea, I'm good and okay. Our GF is okay with us having restrictions, and understands them.

One of our boundaries is that I don't take our GF on the motorcycle. The reason? Because it is something special that my wife and I do together to be closer. Now, V and I will find things that we like to do together, as will she and my wife L.

I totally understand and support boundaries within poly relationships. But as Ari said, they should be fluid and able to be renegotiated at future dates.

TL4everu2 said:

I totally understand and support boundaries within poly relationships.

Click to expand...

I support boundaries that my wife sets for herself. I don't see how people can have a real relationship with restrictions, but to each their own. As long as her BF treats her right and makes her happy, I'm fine with what ever they do. I do think no kissing is a little silly. You can have sex, but no kissing? I would hate that. It seems unnatural, to me.

Now the boundaries my wife set for herself is different with me and her BF. She likes anal. She will do that with her current BF but not me. (I'm much larger than him.) It doesn't bother me that it's something special she does with him.

I guess it comes down to the individual couple. I like boundaries. My bf is a little more fluid, but he does tell me when he has a date and things might occur, and he normally asks me how I feel.

For me, some people are more 'safe' than others, and this is something I have to come to terms with, especially when the other person wants a relationship with my bf but doesn't want to meet me. That inherently arouses my suspicions.

I think the fact that you are unsure that this boundary would even make you feel better makes it a bit arbitrary and not reasonable. You should be cautious about asking your partner to make major alterations in his style of sex and intimacy.

You are basically asking him to behave in a way that is unnatural to him. Certainly it is impossible to avoid doing this sometimes; being civilized often requires us to act in ways that go against our raw impulses.

What is it about casual sex that bothers you? Is it possible that you are simply stalling, hoping that the sex will never happen at all?

You aren't totally comfortable with poly, and that's perfectly understandable. I don't think these boundaries will help with that. You need to figure it out a bit more, IMO, before looking to apply cures.

FitChick said:

I guess it comes down to the individual couple. I like boundaries. My bf is a little more fluid, but he does tell me when he has a date and things might occur, and he normally asks me how I feel.
For me, some people are more 'safe' than others, and this is something I have to come to terms with, especially when the other person wants a relationship with my bf but doesn't want to meet me. That inherently arouses my suspicions.

Click to expand...

Yes, this is true. My wife feels way more at ease with some women, and less with others. We dated a couple once before for almost 3 years. Toward the end of our relationship with them, my wife was so comfortable with the female that she said she didn't care if I went out on dates with her, and even played alone with her. That was a surprise to me, as that was always a rule to never be broken. I did go on a date with her alone, but I never played alone. But it was nice to know I had the option to do it.

My wife was concerned about the new woman that we are dating now, in the beginning. Now, not as much. The reason: we've been dating her for a couple weeks now, and no attempts to have sex have been made by anyone. We had a conversation one night with V about this. We (I) explained to her that we wanted a very long-term relationship with someone. And we weren't just looking to go to bed with them. She said she was looking for the same thing this time. We have all three matured beyond just casual sex, and are all three looking for something more... real. That's not the right word for what I'm meaning, but I can't find the right word right now. Suggestions? Maybe "depth/deep"?

This new woman knows and respects our boundaries. She also knows that the longer we are all three together, these boundaries may fall by the wayside and be abolished, at least with her.