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Old 05-21-2012, 03:55 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

The only real "rule" we have is to be honest. We don't necessarily have to keep each other up to speed at all times, but when asked or when something major happens - we tell the other. We also require the other to be conscientious - if I'm going to be later than expected, I text home to let him know. If he's going to be super focused on composing a message for the next 20 minutes, he lets me know. If one of us feels neglected, we have a standing house rule that technology free hours can be implemented so that we have that uninterrupted, focused time together (sometimes when you live together, you take time together for granted instead of making the most of it).

1. Communication - i want to know when she is going out, and i want to know who it is (maybe even if it is just a name) ...

Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) but hanging out as friends because it will help my insecurity and build our relationship ...
I think knowing who she is with and a general place she is going to be is pretty okay so that you are able to find her in case of emergency. I mean, what if her phone happens to die and there is a family emergency (something with parents, siblings, or other person she is close to) and you aren't able to get ahold of her? Would she then be okay with you either contacting the person she is with or finding her so that she can be there in the case of emergency?

I agree that mimicking dates she has with her others would seem rather lame. If you want to make your relationship more fulfilling, then do it yourself. Don't rely on someone else to give you ideas.

2. Safe sex
You have a right to request whatever safer sex practices make you comfortable. She has the right to refuse. You have the right to stop performing certain sexual acts if she doesn't comply. Herpes is one of those things that is easily spread (as is HPV). Using dental dams can decrease the likelihood of spreading these viruses that are shed by skin-to-skin contact during oral. If you do a little research, you can usually find something that will work for you. Or, like I said, you can make her choose between having oral with you and having oral with others - just be prepared for her to choose him/them over you if she feels like it is unreasonable.

3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO!
I would balk at this. It's her home, too, so putting that limit seems harsh. Asking for no sexual contact when you're around or in your bed seems reasonable.

4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight, I dont want to go to bed alone knowing she is sleeping over with someone else. She says after sex (and i know she is like this) she gets tired and sleepy and said she wants to be out til 2-3am ... I want her home by midnight (see next paragraph)...

I proposed that at least until I have my first "friend" and understand that maybe she could help my jealousy/insecurity by saying to herself "its midnight she start thinkin of coming home, wrap up and let him know that she needs to get home" - she seemed POSSIBLY okay with this
She's an adult, she can choose. Once again, you can state your preference, but imposing a curfew is going to seem rather parent-y of you. Especially as early as midnight. Asking her to be home at night isn't necessarily a bad thing - I personally don't sleep (as in sleeping, not sex) with someone unless I am in a relationship with them - or with close friends who I don't have sex with. End of story. If it is casual sex, then sleeping together afterward always seems to confuse things (in my experience).

Oh, as a side note, it makes me really uncomfortable how you refer to having your "first friend" always in quotations. Kind of seems creepy. lol Sorry. It also seems like you are putting unrealistic expectations of how you having a similar external relationship is going to affect your feelings towards your girlfriend having one. I mean, if you're jealous/distrusting/worried/uncomfortable, there is a reason. Figure out that reason BEFORE you bring more people into the mix or you are just asking for trouble and hurt feelings!

5. She very secretive about getting text, i got upset yesterday we went shopping and she didnt even know where we parked because she was glued to her phone talking with her "friend" I didnt think this was acceptable because this was "my time with her" - i think she understood, however I/we are not sure how to handle this I mean, I dont want her hiding in another room texting but I dont want her spending 30 min texting this other person ...

I really would like to see these messages but she is pretty much like NO that is controlling ...
She should be aware of what is going on around her. Not having any recollection of where you parked is a problem. If she isn't aware of what's going on in a parking lot where there are moving cars, she isn't being safe. Seems like something you'd have to remind a child. Also, I suggest seeing if she would agree to tech-free times or something where she is entirely focused on spending quality time with you.

As for reading her messages, this seems like an invasion of privacy. If you can't trust her enough to let her talk to people, why are you in a relationship with her? On the other side, why is she so secretive? It really doesn't seem like she is after "casual sex." She is talking to this guy all the time, wanting to sleep over, and go on dates. Is she like that with all her friends or is this awfully relationship-y?

6. Cheating - how / what is cheating at this point? i feel if we communicate boundaries and she doesnt abide by them this would be cheating, however - what do I do if it happens? How do I handle boundaries in a way that I dont make her feel like she is being controlled? - she feels too many boundaries and demands takes away from me embracing this open relationship and confining and controlling her
Going against a boundary she has previously agreed to would be cheating (for her). For you, her going against any boundaries you have stated could be cheating. If you two can't agree on these boundaries so that your definitions of cheating match up, I would be very worried. If she is reacting that strongly to any mention of boundaries, good luck getting her to think you're not being controlling. She should be trying to help you ease into it, but if she's not willing you either have to deal with her wishes or make the decision to not be in the relationship anymore.

7. Timeframe - i think she spoke about hanging out with this friend maybe once a week, to me that is a LOT but she says sometimes its not even sexual because it is a "friend" with benefits, so it doesnt always lead to sexual encounter ...
Once a week doesn't seem that frequent to me, but if it always led to sleepovers I would think differently. If they are really friends, then it isn't unreasonable, but to me hanging out with a friend is not always a one-on-one activity, either. Do they hang out with other people or is all their time together date-like?

8. Ending her relationship with her friend - What can I do if I dont feel like I want her to be with a particular person, or if I feel like maybe she is getting to close, she seems pretty confident that there are ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS and I believe her, but things happen...
You can ask her nicely to end it. Once again, she could refuse and you would be stuck with making a decision on whether or not you can handle the situation.

9. Someone for me to talk to - she doesnt want anyone to know, she has always been a private person, her culture, not just with this relationship thing but everything about her life, but I NEED someone to talk to cuz this is tough for me to know I have to share her - im not sure if she can be accepting of this
She needs to realize that this is your life, too. Talking and getting feedback is a great way to process. If she isn't able to talk to you in a way that helps you through this, then you will definitely need some support. There is always the internet - I mean, you're getting all kinds of people to talk to you on here. In person, you could once again tell her that you're going to be honest with the friends you think would react well. Then SHE has the decision to either live with it, decide not to have a FWB, or leave you.

10. She should tell other person she is in relationship - She has stated that she and her 'friend' are clear that they are not mushy mushy or looking for relationship just friendship and casual sex if it comes up, but she doesnt tell them she is in relationship. I would like her to let them know - im not sure why but I think she would not really like this idea, which makes me feel like she is cheating on me
This would be a requirement for me. Hands down. How is the other person a friend if he doesn't know that she is in a serious relationship? Does this person know that she is wanting to keep it emotion-free (or at least romance free)?

Is it okay to have stricter boundaries for her to be sensitive to my "transitional" period..
Asking her to give you more time to process is valid. Whether or not she is willing to do it is a testament to how much she is really wanting you to accept this. Read around this site - there are all kinds of stories of people easing into polyamorous relationships so that their mono partners can come to terms with what is going on in the most comfortable manner possible as long as there is active effort.

I would recommend having a set time frame if you are wanting stricter boundaries for a transitional period than you want for the long run.
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