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Old 02-29-2012, 06:22 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default How and when did you know?

I think I'm still working this out for myself. I posted last fall, wondering about how to convince my girlfriend or if I even should. I didn't know then. I'm mostly sure now.

I seem to be using shorter sentences than usual tonight, for some reason.

Aside from reading the first chapter or two of Polyamory in the 21st Century I was mostly confused. I had always wanted to be with one woman. One of my friends had an open relationship. I found that out when she brought me home one night, and offered to sleep with me. Maybe not in that order. She actually chickened out the moment she saw her marital bed, but I wasn't comfortable with the idea anyway. A couple months later I was on a date with a mutual friend, and she asked me if I'd ever consider it. I told her I didn't know, but I really thought never.

But I think a lot of that boiled down to not having much self-respect. I figured it would be unfair, that the woman would just get all the action while I stayed home. Now... I feel like I'd get plenty, maybe more than I'd even really want. Wanting that one monogamous relationship... well, I just thought that's how you could get sex. Nothing else seemed realistic to me.

But I was facing the issue with my girlfriend, who I love. When she asked me once, I told her that yes I do think you can love multiple people.

I kept trying to talk myself out of it, so I wouldn't have to lose my girlfriend. I knew she was upset that I was even thinking about other women. No one specific, mind you. Just, in general terms I wanted to experience more women. Watching Mad Men, in particular, made me really love the idea of having a wife I'd build my life with and a girlfriend to act as contrast. A secondary, I guess, who could show me other parts of life.

But knowing she was upset by such thoughts, I examined my own feelings and realized that in thinking of her with other men... I just didn't feel jealous. Moreover, I looked back and I think I always thought it was silly that, if you love someone, you would suddenly stop because they had a few moments of lust with someone else.

So I guess that's my "story." But I was wondering if other people felt the same, or how they came to their conclusion. I still don't know if I've fully accepted it myself... but I do know that if this relationship doesn't work out I'm not going straight into another monogamous relationship.

Wow, I'm really rambly tonight...
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