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  #1  
Old 10-16-2010, 05:09 AM
RainbowDreamscape RainbowDreamscape is offline
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Red face Haven't broached the poly subject yet...

I'm a wife in a 6 year mono relationship with a great man. He's loyal, steadfast, loving. We are best friends. We were both celibate before marriage, and our wedding night was our first time. The sex has been a beautiful experience growing together. But we have really mismatched sex drives. I have come to realize that it may not be enough for me. I do need more love, intimacy, connection, experimentation, spontaneity than he can give.

He knows that I need more. Tonight he even joked that he would let me "get another husband".... After I initiated making love, but he had to sleep to get to work the next day. He just has an extremely low sex drive. I have talked to him about that several times, but he always says I'm being dramatic. This has been absolute torture for me as of late. Not sure how much more I can take. Is this a reason to become poly? How do I discuss it with him? I would want to make sure my secondary & I have an understanding & are great friends... And that my husband fully consents & has met the fellow.
How do I handle this? Any sage advice? Thank you!
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:22 AM
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ray ray is offline
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Are you looking for a secondary to be there mostly just for sex or are you looking for relationship relationship with said secondary? Because those are two different discussions. It's hard to say how that discussion will go. Just let it be free to flow however. Whatever the reaction, to let that be okay and go from there rather than trying to push to get what you want. Or if he's simply not willing to budge, that's another conversation centered around will you get what you need for the relationship to be healthy. Ultimately, as long as you communicate with him responsibly and respectfully, that's the important thing. There's no formula beyond that.
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:53 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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If more sex is something you need, then it is a valid reason to investigate poly. Your husband is aware by the sound of it and you have broke the ice in a jokey way. Now you need to talk to him more seriously about it.
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Old 10-16-2010, 02:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Slow down - backup....

Hey Rainbow,

First, let's dispense with one of the most common misperceptions.

Poly is NOT about SEX - only peripherally.
Sex is about sex.
Don't confuse the two even though they may ride side by side.

On one hand, you are lucky, being the female of the couple. Your options for fulfilling all your sexual needs & fantasies are pretty much unlimited. And it can be done in a variety of safe ways. So that's the easy part.

You can explore swinging, find a FWB situation etc. And who knows, your SO may get some thrill from knowing or watching you be satisfied. It really can be a very bonding experience. It can be like a gift he is giving you. Trust me - it works that way

Poly, on the other hand is something you need to educate (both of you) yourselves on. Because it's very difficult for many people to separate sex and emotional bonding. It's then that you both have to be prepared to have the "poly discussion". You may not feel the necessity in the beginning but if you launch into friendly sex there's a good chance you may find yourself there.
Better to see it coming and have some plan in place to deal with it intelligently.
If it never happens - fine. But there's a reason most ships carry lifeboats that are never used.

Don't confuse apples & oranges. Do some thinking and LOTS of talking first - then go for it. An unsatisfied (sexually) partner in a relationship is a time bomb. There's plenty of safe ways to diffuse it.

Good luck.

GS
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Old 10-16-2010, 03:06 PM
RainbowDreamscape RainbowDreamscape is offline
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Thanks for all the insight! Very helpful so far. I am sorry, but I don't know the acronyms yet- so if you speak in them, please translate

Knowing me, it would have to be a "relationship relationship".... I can't enjoy just sex without the emotional bonding that goes with it. I wouldn't want to do it with just a "booty partner" but no trusted friendship attached. It's not enjoyable for me & is impossible for me to let go during the act if all I am thinking is "I don't really know this person". So I am probably looking for the friendship, closeness, intimacy, connection, as well as sex.

Is there a book I can give my husband? If he goes for it should we have a written contract of the terms we agree to? Should he meet the guys in a coffee/dinner situation before so he can give blessings? I want it all out in the open otherwise it would feel like cheating. If the shoe were on the other foot & he decided to become poly, I wouldn't want him going off with another girl without me knowing & having met her first.
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Old 10-16-2010, 03:21 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RainbowDreamscape View Post
Is there a book I can give my husband? If he goes for it should we have a written contract of the terms we agree to? Should he meet the guys in a coffee/dinner situation before so he can give blessings? I want it all out in the open otherwise it would feel like cheating. If the shoe were on the other foot & he decided to become poly, I wouldn't want him going off with another girl without me knowing & having met her first.
Two books cover the spectrum of being non-monogamous. Ethical Slut is an easy read and has some workshops to help you understand and deal with various problems (its more about non-mongamy than anything specific to poly). Opening Up is a very polyscentric book and is quite good as well. I think both books are important.

Contracts, rules etc are all things that you need to judge on your own. Not everyone has hard rules. But most do start out with them. In regards to rules make sure you have the ability to renegotiate. One thing to keep in mind, the problem with rules and emotions is something rules get broken. Even the most logical and reasonable rules can be broken by accident.

As for knowing and meeting. That's also up to you guys. I introduce my wife to potential girls, however I don't do this right away. There is a cursory dating stage to getting to know someone. Meeting the wife might be excess pressure. We also don't tend to be jealous over each other, so I do have a lot of freedom to go out and "date" girls without her being over my shoulder. I would have a very difficult time, when I am actually looking, meeting people if I didn't have some freedom to socialize.

Last edited by Ariakas; 10-16-2010 at 03:31 PM.
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Old 10-16-2010, 03:31 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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There is a sticky section (in general discussions) with recommended reading. Check that out. There's quite a spectrum of good material covering poly now. Myself, not a huge fan of "Ethical Slut" but for people with real sex hangups it might be a start.

As for protocol, we're also ones who want it to be a closed loop. We definitely expect to meet each other's partners at some point before things progress too fast. There's a certain cushion in having an independent set of perceptions as anyone can be blinded to the whole picture when zoned in on one or two certain attractive features.

It's not an "interview" and we strive to not make it feel like that. But it's also important for anyone new to have full realization that it really is a 'package deal' - in one aspect or another. There's plenty of room for individual freedom but in the end, we all need to be on the same team at minimum.
We've never had any problem expressing that philosophy to anyone - or having them understand it. Just practical that's all.

GS
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Old 10-17-2010, 02:21 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Since you said you don't speak inacronyms, the ones that have been used in this thread, FWB and SO, mean Friend With Benefits and Significant Other, respectively.
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  #9  
Old 10-17-2010, 02:24 AM
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And give it time when you bring it up. My SO had to talk to me about it for awhile before I understood and was comfortable trying it.
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  #10  
Old 10-17-2010, 10:59 PM
RainbowDreamscape RainbowDreamscape is offline
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Default Thanks guys.

This is very helpful...
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