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Old 02-25-2012, 06:24 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I think some items make sense in a practical way, such as #5, #6 (though I would apply that to everyone I'm involved with, not just one special person), and #11 - I agree that it's a good, practical idea to give it 18 months before considering it serious enough to do something like move in together (although I would make it more approximate than a rigid fixed amount of time). But, personally, although I am all for honoring the place a partner's spouse or SO has in their life -- if I met someone who told me they had these rules between them, I'd say, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" and run screaming in the opposite direction.

IMHO, a partnered couple simply cannot pretend that their dynamic together is unchanged, and must remain unchanged, when they engage in additional relationships. It sounds like these couple-centric rules would work only for having NSA sex partners, and not for cultivating multiple loving, caring relationships. This list gives me the impression of monogamy with extra people as hobbies. But all my love relationships are sacred, in their own unique ways, and I don't want to feel like I'm a satellite orbiting around the all-important pair at the center of their universe, to be acknowledged, used, and discarded only in deference to their contract together. It is insulting to me as a person, a flesh-and-blood human being with my own desires and needs. I won't be in a DADT situation either, for that reason.

Certainly, issues of time management are important, especially if one is involved with someone who has a family, but I'm older so that's not a big issue with most of the men I would date (they either aren't parents, or are divorced and their kids are on their own or living with the ex). But beyond safer sex boundaries, negotiating a fair amount of time to spend together, and accommodating schedules in a reasonable way, I will not give of my heart, mind, and body to someone who would allow their partner to dictate how he could be in relationship with me, and how much I am allowed to involve myself with him. I want to be with someone who has a strong enough foundation in his marriage or partnership, and a sense of maturity and autonomy, so that he doesn't need permission (like asking mommy) to love me and spend time with me. No metamours will be in control of my relationships!

I feel strongly that anyone who embraces polyamory is responsible for the health and integrity of all their loving relationships. And that responsibility can be expressed in different ways, at different paces, and varying levels of intensity, naturally. Of course, if it's a casual fling, that's something else - woohoo! But for me it can't work, for the long-term and when the heart is involved, if it isn't just as important to my guy to consider my feelings, needs, and goals, as it is to consider his primary partner's, though of course our needs will naturally be different. I couldn't be with someone who thinks they can map it all out in advance, without making room for the unexpected consequences of loving another, or the ability and willingness to deal with such. I couldn't be with someone who has these kinds of rules with their spouse or primary partner because... I matter. And I have enough self-esteem to know that I couldn't be with someone who would treat me like I don't matter.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 02-25-2012 at 04:05 PM.
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