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-   -   Oops. I may have f*@Ked up. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4127)

RainbowDreamscape 11-03-2010 10:28 PM

Oops. I may have f*@Ked up.
K. Here's the story. I had idealistic views on how my new poly thing would work out. Thinking that I would meet some nice guy who would know I'm married & would be open to poly... He'd meet my husband, everything would be perfect.

Didn't quite work that way. I met an awesome guy who was open to poly & knew I was married, we hung out for a long time & were great buds... But then my husband went out of town & it's not hard to guess what happened next.

I don't regret having sex with him at all: It's just that it happened backwards. We were feeling & not thinking. But I got what I wanted: someone who I felt closeness, connection, affection & intimacy from & for. But my husband hasn't met him & doesn't know I did anything. What do I do?

mumbles 11-03-2010 10:41 PM

Uh, did you talk to your husband at all beforehand? Not clear from your post.

RainbowDreamscape 11-03-2010 11:01 PM

Here's my original post: mainly talking about my discussions with my husband. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3983

Tonberry 11-03-2010 11:14 PM

I think you should tell him as soon as possible, own up to it, say you realise it didn't go ideally and you should have talked with him more first and get the ok to do things while he was gone (so he wouldn't feel like you did it behind his back), ask him how he feels and what you guys should do next.

The longer you wait, the worse he's going to feel when he learns. He might be able to understand if you tell him right away that you were caught up in it. Make it clear that you love him and don't want to hurt him.

Tell him you'd like to make things work, and ask if he wants to meet your boyfriend. From there, really, it will depend on his reactions. Best of luck!

MonoVCPHG 11-04-2010 03:54 AM

I'm with Tonberry. Tell him now. Talking and joking about poly are one thing...fucking your brains out for three days without talking to him first is going to hit him with the brick wall of reality. He may be overjoyed, he may call it flat out cheating. Don't be defensive, be understanding. It sounds like you are radiating logic bending NRE. Keep it under wraps while you talk to him and I wouldn't direct him to this sight for advice after that description of your weekend...at least for a while. I agree with your subject...you probably did fuck up but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Put everything with this friend on hold until your hubby is good would be another recommendation. Make him talk as honest as he can.

Good luck.

redpepper 11-04-2010 04:09 AM

I think you have two choices. Tell him and deal with the fall out of your lack of integrity, dishonesty, untrustworthiness, selfishness, shame, guilt and a world of pain you will see in your partners eyes or shut up, suck it up and never ever do it again... including never ever seeing this man again or talking with him again.

This to me is the reality you have caused yourself... hope it was worth it.

I'm sorry this is harsh, but having done both, I can say with a lot of conviction, you will forget what the sex was like ten years from now and only remember the pain you caused yourself and everyone involved, including future lovers, because that never goes away....

RainbowDreamscape 11-04-2010 04:38 AM

Logic bending NRE is right. I basically was dishonest & backwards.

CielDuMatin 11-04-2010 01:33 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 51324)
I'm sorry this is harsh, but having done both, I can say with a lot of conviction, you will forget what the sex was like ten years from now and only remember the pain you caused yourself and everyone involved, including future lovers, because that never goes away....

*raises a glass of something and toasts with RedPepper*

What she said.

GroundedSpirit 11-04-2010 04:53 PM

Early lessons
Hey Rainbow,

How much have you and your hubby actually discussed what poly means - to you both ? Or have you at all ?

I admit to coming more from the liberal camp than many who may respond. To me, if the discussions are happing properly up front, there's space been made for spontaneity. By that I'm not indicating NO guidelines what-so-ever, but I'm advocating a more reasonable approach to resolving conflicts because of variations in understanding or behavior around those guidelines.

The bottom line for many of us is safety. That's a #1 guideline that can invoke some major confrontations.

Beyond that, I'm from a mindset that wants to allow things to flow as naturally as possible in order to reach their full potential. Anything short of that injects the potential for 'Control' dynamics. I don't want to be one who infringes on my lovers freedom of choice and judgement at any given moment. I think this is a dis-empowering thing for many people, can exhibit a lack of trust/confidence etc.
None of which do much to build a strong relationship.

So, depending on what you and he have discussed prior, to me, if there's an agreement that poly is how we are going to proceed, then unless agreed otherwise, there's an expectation of the unknown. And also an expectation of using good judgement along the way.

There's a balance of considering other's opinions & feelings vs a reality that is in our face at a given moment and the level of trust and respect we are offered to manage it safely and with a positive outcome.

A balance that takes time and communication to master.

Good luck.


RainbowDreamscape 11-05-2010 12:13 AM

My husband and I have been reading "Polyamory: the new love without limits" by dr. Deborah m. Anapol. He is aware that I want to explore this and is aware and has acknowledged our different sex drives & needs right now. The reason I think I screwed up is because I didn't get his "permission" to sleep with this guy, although he does know about him.

Am I seeing myself as some sort of possession? The fact that there are secrets is a red flag though that I feel guilt or disapproval of my own choice or fear of my husbands reaction.

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