View Full Version : My start into polyamory, I love it and learn everyday
11-15-2011, 07:01 PM
It was a good decision to become polyamorous, but more precisly, I'd say, I'm on my way to it. In sommer I had an affair with a former girl friend, which was very nice and there was still the bond from our former relationship. Eventually, she wanted a steady/ mono relationship (which I don't want) and got to together with someone else.
I had a few other contacts or flirts and what I learn repeatedly, is that the rules for polyamory are really valid. When you and your lover don't pay attention to everyone involved and when you aren't very honest, open and respectful to everyone, later on you/ everyone will see the consequences.
I think lots of people who talk about polyamory don't really get this and for me it's still a learning process, too. It takes a lot of guts and consideration to live polyamorous.
With my polyamourous attitude, I care much more about myself, I take lots of time for myself and it is good to know, that I won't give up my way of living and adopt to anyone anymore just to feel loved and secure. I think, some love relationships didn't happen, because the possible partners didn't want a polyamourous relationship. But on the other hand I needed and I used this time for self growth. I can say my whole world and my approach to love relationships and sexuality changes for the better.
This is about a friend I fell in love with about half a year ago (I still love her):
Now some time has gone by and I still see Johanna once in a while and we always have a nice chat. She just wants to have a monogamous relationship with me, I'm pretty sure. She tries to make me jelaous from time to time with some other guy(s). But you can't prove, that something doesn't work, when you act like you want to make it impossible from the start. I really like her, anyways. This referrs to and is taken from here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7675
11-23-2011, 03:52 PM
Last weekend again there was the situation, that the woman from a couple I am friend with, flirtet with me. She and here boy friend were really arguing heavily, very complicated situation. It was so clear to me, this time, there was no way I would invite her, without consulting her boyfriend. Though I didn't do nothing, becausse A: I was sure he would just get upset B: I wouldn't just start something with a women, I think she is attractive, but I don't want to have a relationship with her. It is really very simple, in all these situations, everyone is involved. There are so many people, who don't live monogamous, but their lifestyle doesn't work, because it is about conquering someone else, it's about power games, it's about jealousy and hidden actions. Yet I think, or I hope that there is a general movement to more awareness. How many percent of the population live monogamous, after all? May be 75, 50 may be less? How many don't live the way they would like to? Why make such a secret out of it?
12-02-2011, 11:09 AM
Now again I'm in a situation where I might get inbetween two persons, who are in a relationship. I think, non monogamy is quite common, even in relationships, but polyamory is still quite rare. This friend, she told me, she was kind of persuaded into her relationship and then she flirts with me. All we need is love and respect for each other, no matter if we get intimate or if we know each other. Polyamory is more than just a lifestyle, when put into practice, it changes a lot of the suppositions of society. It is a big difference, if only two people openly or in secrecy get involved, or if there is a goup setting. Most people rather think of the immediaty satisfaction of their longing or needs - and sometimes I'm no different - and don't think very much in terms of third persons involved or about group aspects. However, I believe this attitude is changing in society, may be slowly, but the start is myself. There are many options, how we can deal with each other.
Refering my last post: I should have helped my friend, who had arguments with her boy friend and was in a difficult situations. Another issue: I shouldn't think too much about sex or affairs for my own benefit, but more about, what is good for everyone. This can change a lot, but it is not so easy in the subject of love/ sexuality/ relationships where emotions play a very big role. We should think from the heart, additionally and I believe, then the relationships are less superficial, more intense and conflicts decrease. Everything I hide and all that is hidden, is not expressed. Then the social interactions are cloven.
12-02-2011, 06:18 PM
However, I believe this attitude is changing in society, may be slowly, but the start is myself.
Another issue: I shouldn't think too much about sex or affairs for my own benefit, but more about, what is good for everyone.
Great attitude! Be the change you want to see in the world. :)
When you think of all involved you don't always get exactly what you want right away, but the end results will be much better for you. Less drama and more trust, love, and happiness all around.
12-18-2011, 08:06 PM
I think another important point is patience. Usually, especially when love and sexuality is involved, we want it know, we don't want to miss a chance. Friendships and love relationships for may be even a lifetime are, may they be intimate or not, take some time to develop and it is really important to be considerate from the beginning.
Our social - sexual behaviour I believe is deeply imprinted in our bodies and minds and it is quite a challenge to change the precondition, that molds society the way we see it now with all its destruction and repression. I have not many problems to talk about my political or spiritual convictions. But when it comes to polyamory, I often feel inhibited and uncertain due to social values that are the norm, even though I know that for me if I could choose and I can, it is a better way. This is my next step, to learn to talk openly.
Another example why we should be considerate and how deeply everyone is affected when love relationships and sexuality are concerned. A friend wanted to visit me for a day, but a day before her boyfriend got an epileptic attack. Me and her talked on the phone about that and one of the reasons for the attack possilby has been her planned visit to me, her former boy friend and lover. We all three got to meet each other, I haven't even seen her new boy friend so far. And I suggested that she won't visit me (70 miles drive) and stay with him for the weekend (who still needs rest), which she does.
After all, I'm still very confused about being polyamorous, yet I'm looking forward to the future and I'm rather confused than being bored, than staying within alleged safe regions, than repressing a part of me, a truth, that wants to live.
03-01-2012, 09:03 PM
I'm still trying to find out, what Polyamory is. May be the message is, that friendship, compassion, respect and mutual affection are more meaningful than sex. Making love is sacred, it's a blending of matter and spirit. Casual sex that very likely leads to broken relationships earlier or later is a thrill , it's often mistaken for love. "Love" is just a slogan to sell movies and ads, it's like so many goods in this society, where the goal is to consume instantly and be consumed. It's not so easy to understand why something that is fun in the beginning, becomes harmful later on. One could say, it's like getting drunk or getting high on drugs.
09-13-2012, 07:58 PM
It's challenging, it's great, it makes me feel good. Eventually, I know for sure, this is the way I want to share, to love and to live. We are true friends.