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Old 05-17-2011, 07:25 AM
kingtone kingtone is offline
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Default the outsider in an open marriage

Hi all
I am the third person in an open relationship, meaning that the woman I am involved with is married. We were involved as teenagers and then grew apart and had different relationships. She got married and has been with her husband for 8 years (4 of those married.) They have both cheated on each other in the length of their marriage. As our friendship grew closer she told me they had decided to have an open relationship and I jumped at the chance to be involved with her again. After a few months and getting used to sharing her we have settled on a nice rhythm. She and I are in love and her husband knows it, and he also has a girlfriend. Going in to this I knew I would have to share her and I am pretty open minded when it comes to sexuality and life style choices, but sometimes I am jealous of her husband. I want to spend more time with her and have more than just occasional meetings that we work around her marriage. What do I do? I love her and she makes me happy, but I also know her husband makes her happy and that she loves him too. How do I balance what I want and not lose what she has and loves? Anybody out there ever in the same position ?
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Old 05-17-2011, 01:41 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Kingtone,

Not to dwell on semantics, but you are not jealous, you are envious. There IS a difference and it would be good for you to get clarity on that right now for future use. You can read up on that here easily doing searches.

The rules and flow of poly relationships require new skills. Balancing time is one of the biggest ones. You really have no choice but to master this - or bail out and declare poly 'not for you'. It's perfectly doable - lots of us do it, so don't get discouraged. But it IS new so take a deep breath before tackling the learning curve.

Whenever you are involved with someone who has already established a 'life' - patterns of living, maybe involving kids, schedules, commitments etc, it takes some time to restructure all that. Think about your own 'life'. Just keep working at it, making small adjustments when/where possible that move you all towards a place that's as balanced as you can get it. It will never likely be 'equal'. Accept that (everyone). Just strive for the 'best fit' and then decide if that's enough to make you happy. Or not.

GS
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Old 05-17-2011, 08:09 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Maybe you could involve your self in "their" lives. After all, she doesn't come alone, she is part of a unit and you are part of a unit, being a unit together is the next step after working out a schedule. Really though, this is what you signed up for. If its not enough and you as a monogamous person then I suggest you find someone that is dedicated to just coupledom. Its not fair to her that this be an issue you expect to have worked out. If just won't be. Time management and lack of time are just how it is. If you are not willing to let her go then find something to do that fulfils you. Don't make her responsible for your happiness, she isn't, you are. You are an independent person, regardless of what you decide this is so.

Good luck
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-20-2011 at 09:25 PM. Reason: because I don't want to go on record for having said something I didn't mean
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Old 05-18-2011, 12:20 AM
kingtone kingtone is offline
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thank you GS that is just the sort of advice I was looking for. As I said I am new to this, but I also knew that there would be bumps and hang ups along the way and I was just wondering how other people managed it. As I said I love her and I want her to be happy and I realise that her husband and her life outside of me makes her happy.
Redpepper I get from the sounds of it your a seasoned vetarin at poly and I still have things to learn in this situation but what I resent is you addressing me like a child and implying that my life outside of my relationship isn't fulfilling. I never said I wanted to change her existing life, just advice on how to deal with me wanting to be with the woman I love. I don't think that's an unreasonable desire but I am an adult that knows that desires can't always be fully met.

Thank you again GS
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Old 05-18-2011, 01:13 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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My gf's bf M is partnered with a woman, L, and they've worked out a once a week overnight schedule. My gf goes to their place on Friday night, and L is usually there. Once in a while, she goes out for the evening. One time she was out of town, which of course gave them more freedom.

They are also flexible, in case special occasions arise with them, or with my gf and me.
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:15 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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This is extremely cliched advice in the poly community, but... communication is the way to go! Tell her that you'd like to spend more time with her without damaging her existing relationship, and try to figure out together if there's a way that could happen. For instance, could you guys plan a special, two-day weekend getaway together some time this year? It seems like a lot to ask, but if you give it enough time in advance and she clears it with the hubby, well, it's just two days. Regular, once-per-week get togethers have helped me a lot in my relationship with a lovely married lady... having that regularity has made it feel less like "well, we fit each other in when/if we can".
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Old 05-18-2011, 05:01 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kingtone View Post
Redpepper I get from the sounds of it your a seasoned vetarin at poly and I still have things to learn in this situation but what I resent is you addressing me like a child and implying that my life outside of my relationship isn't fulfilling. I never said I wanted to change her existing life, just advice on how to deal with me wanting to be with the woman I love. I don't think that's an unreasonable desire but I am an adult that knows that desires can't always be fully met.
Well I'm sorry you read it that way. I didn't at all think you were a child. Sometimes I write too fast and the way I say things doesn't come across as the way I mean them... writing on the internet is tricky sometimes.

All I am saying is that independence from a poly love is important and part of the turf. If it isn't working for you now that you are settled into a routine, then perhaps poly isn't for you. I dunno.... I can imagine that its hard to be away from her. I know some mono people that have been unable to be with poly people because it can be incredibly lonely when they are not there. My boyfriend prefers tons of alone time and he is mono. It works for him... it was really hard when he didn't live with us though and one of the things that helped was he became involved in my family and hung out with my husband... in time it was obvious that living together was the next step to being closer...
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:15 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kingtone View Post
........As I said I am new to this, but I also knew that there would be bumps and hang ups along the way and I was just wondering how other people managed it. As I said I love her and I want her to be happy and I realise that her husband and her life outside of me makes her happy.

Thank you again GS
Your welcome very much. NP

One thing - whether you've considered it or not - that could help a lot is integration.
Depending on how she and her hubby (and his other) are structuring and navigating this, there may be opportunities for you all to be together.

How do you get along with her husband ? Are you guys comfortable being around each other ?

The more you can integrate all your lives the more time you'll be able to be together. This is the "ideal" of course and everyone gets to various levels of this. For some it's practically nothing, for others it's truly a communal 'marriage' (in the general sense of the term). But definitely, the more you all have in common and can be drawn together on, the more time you spend together.

Now this isn't "private" time (i.e. sexual time?). But I didn't assume that was what you were referring to. That's a whole different subject. If that IS what you are wishing for let us all know because the discussion changes.

Glad to have you on board. Don't be shy.

GS
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Old 05-19-2011, 01:14 AM
kingtone kingtone is offline
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Thank you all so much for your advice and council, it is really reassuring to know that there are people who have been through just what I have.
We have been away on a trip away (one of the best trips of my life) and even though her husband was fine with us going he didn't want to know about anything that happened, even where we had dinner. One of his main problems is that he's not really all that cool with the fact that I'm an ex, he knows we've had a history and I think it makes him insecure. From what I know of him he's a nice guy and I love that he makes my girl happy, but he continues to resist chances where he and I might meet and establish common ground. I don't begrudge him for that I guess it would be hard to know your partner sought out an ex to help solve you marriage problems or adjust the marriage so it fits better with what both people want.
I don't just want sexual time with her ( although the sex we have is fantastic) I want to spend more time just being with her , without taking away from her time with her husband. As I said I know that she loves him and he makes her happy. Conventional relationships have never really worked for either of us and I know the she needs this as much as I do. I have offered to take her, hubby and hubby's girlfriend all out to dinner so we can have some time to get to know each other, but her refuses.
Poly is for me, I have never thought that one single person could be the be all and end all of a person's whole life and I have always been adventurous but I am drawn to her and I love her so much.
Our rhythm has been settled around her husbands reactions, its fine for him to spend as much time as he can with his GF but when it comes to our time, he restricts it. We can't even go to the movies at full peak times because he's worried some one might see us together.
I know that because we're new to this it takes time, but I don't want to be a wedge in their relationship, something that they can't deal with, but I don't want to give her up either
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Old 05-19-2011, 01:58 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kingtone View Post
I have offered to take her, hubby and hubby's girlfriend all out to dinner so we can have some time to get to know each other, but her refuses.
Just to clarify, did you mean HE refuses?

If that's the case, have you tried asking him out, just you and him? Having the four of you go out together seems double date-ish ... Him and his gf, you and his wife paired up. That's really going to emphasize that you and she are together. Which is exactly what he seems to not want to think about right now!

If you and he have any shared interests, invite him out for that. Or if you don't, go for drinks. Just two guys, getting to know each other, not talking about his wife or poly.

Once Indigo actually got to know Mr. A, he was able to make bigger steps in his struggles with jealousy. Here was a guy he knew and liked and had a reasonable amount of trust in who he could see liked and respected him, as opposed to some guy with who knows what intentions who thought God knew what of him.
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