Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-19-2009, 04:14 AM
Creatress Creatress is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 23
Default Introverts: HELP!

Hey, folks.

I'm introverted and almost a month into a living arrangement with my partners, my metamour, and the five kids in the house (one of whom is mine.) I'm coming from being a single mother to that one child, and I can honestly say that life as a single parent afforded me more me-time than I have now, which I never would have imagined, and it's wearing on me IMMENSELY!

I work full time (about 45-50 hours/week), then come home and have my share of childcare, cleaning, cooking, and laundry on any given night. The weekends are completely consumed by family time, housework, and errands. Oh, yeah, and then there's the relationships, somewhere in there.

Any ideas? I am going completely insane, I'm so drained. I need time to myself, but I don't know how to get that, here, without feeling guilty for not doing housework when other people are, taking care of kids when other people have been all day, or participating in relationship-building when there's a spare minute. HELP!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2009, 04:45 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I have a household of 4 adults and 3 kids currently (a month ago was 4 kids and a few months prior was 5 kids).
I can honestly say that you simply HAVE to schedule it in. Everyone has different needs for amounts of alone time-and you have to work through those details as a group. But no matter what amount of time you are talking about you have to schedule it in.
My suggestion would be to sit down with the other adults and let them know what you said here, and that you need to find a good time each day for a 1/2 hour of quiet time and once a week or so a few hours to yourself. Work together to figure out when the best time for that would be.
I take a bath for 1/2 hour or so every day as soon as hubby comes home while he keeps our kids busy. Every morning I take a walk for 1 1/2 hours with my boyfriend and the youngest child (in a stroller) who usually sleeps. I generally wear my headphones, so I CAN talk if I am up to it-or I can walk with them and only listen to my music if needed as well.
My hubby tends to use his 45 minute drive home for down time and the boyfriend takes about an hour or so every night after hubby and I go to bed.
Just depends on what works for each person with the kids (and of course it gets screwed up if kids are sick or something like that!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2009, 12:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,217

What you just described would drive me crazy, too.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2009, 04:23 PM
greenearthal's Avatar
greenearthal greenearthal is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 208

Is it vital that you work 45 to 50 hours a week? If so, you will probably have to do some comming to terms with the fact that a huge chunk of your waking hours every week are already gone.

Assuming that your work schedule is immutable, you should probably figure out what your needs are and what will work best for you. One contiguous block of 4 to 5 hours every week or some preset half hour block every day... and once you've figured out what might benefit you best, communicate to your loved ones what your needs are.

Example: "Every Friday night I need three hours away from EVERYBODY if you all have any hope of me being a sane person for the weekend. How can we make that happen?"

Any of our suggestions sound like they're heading in the right direction or do we need more information on your situation?
me n the band, singin our song
Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2009, 03:20 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742

Originally Posted by rongrong View Post
bring him/her to psicologist,or bring them to more crowded people where people gathered and scream,introduced him the power of facebook,that works all time for me
No offence but pawn your spam somewhere else please....on second thought..feel free to feel offended.

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2009, 07:42 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Hi Creatress, I remember writing to you before, before you moved.... I'm pretty sure I was against your moving in with a couple that lived far from you and that you didn't know so well... how's that going? How is it going with your family and ex?

What you describe here would be my worst nightmare. What is the point of a poly relationship if there is not time together.... it harks of polygamy. Sorry, I don't mean to offend, I'm sure there are benefits. But as I said before (I think) moving closer, getting your life together and then seeing if it would be a good idea to move in would of made it a lot smoother I think...

Good luck sorting it all out.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2009, 05:37 AM
Creatress Creatress is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 23

Red, that sounds like "I told you so," when really the issue would probably have come up through a more gradual approach, too. It's just an adjustment. The relationship is actually going quite well, all things considered. It doesn't feel honeymoon-y (which is good and bad, I suppose--bummer that that was all just when I was visiting, but I guess it's good to be in the Real Relationship, too). We haven't had any fights, just good talks when conflicts come up, and it's been pretty great all around.

Green, I will be paring it back somewhat--it's an AmeriCorps position, so really, if they're only paying me the equivalent of like $5/hour, they can't be too picky, especially when I don't get paid MORE for working more hours...imagine a salary of $1k/month. :-P Anyway. I do resent working full time, because I'd ALWAYS prefer about 32-35 hours a week. But not really my choice, until I have enough money to not need the health insurance and such.

I think the suggestions of voicing my needs, getting it scheduled, and honoring that commitment all ring true. It's hard to say when it will really hit, maybe just play it by ear until a weekly routine gets set up, so I know if it really is Friday night, or a different time, you know? It does seem to work best in about a 2-hour chunk or so. I wish I didn't need it, it would free up more time for my daughter, and for the relationship. *sigh*
Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2009, 05:56 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348

OMG - I posted this HUGE reply yesterday and a server error made it go away! I want to cry! I don't have time to put it all down again, but the basics were:

I'm the oldest of 8 kids, 4 of whiom are barely 4 years apart. At one point 7 of us lived at home. My father is a VERY busy professional and my mother a very active person who has had projects going whether working from home home or not. And they raised us all, and found time for each other and for themselves, and for their projects and careers, and kept the yard and the house in order (with our help according to ability and age over the years).

I think some planning and adjusting needs to happen. I cannot fathom 3 or 4 adults not being able to run a household effectively to such an extent that each person - or 1 of the group even - could have less personal time than when she was a single mom! Something isn't right.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-22-2009, 03:37 AM
Kaylee Kaylee is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7

Have you considered moving back out to your own place? Frankly, what you're describing would be an utter nightmare to me, and if it were me, I'd probably prefer to live with fewer people (in particular, fewer children). The thing about living in a huge household is that messes and chaos tend to build upon each other, and moreover, it's going to be difficult for you to have any control over your living space with so many people involved. Furthermore, having your own space would allow you to schedule in explicit time for your lovers, time that wouldn't interfere with your parenting and household responsibilities.

If that's not an option, I'll echo the other posters and recommend that you explicitly split up tasks, so that you can actually work toward completing your responsibilities and earn some time to yourself. I also recommend that you explicitly try to find a time/space that can be yours, on a regular basis, with no interruptions. As an introvert myself, I think those things are absolutely necessary for maintaining one's sanity.

Good luck! I really hope your situation improves... *hugs*
Reply With Quote

introversion, introversion/extroversion, introvert, recharging, retreat, shyness, social anxiety, socializing, solitude

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:23 AM.